To LTB even though he's not a B?!

[moofolk]

Situation is that I left my partner and he's really unhappy. He isn't a bastard I've just had enough. He's a lovely, lovely bloke and a brilliant dad. He's done much of the stay at home parenting while I've been out to work.
However I didn't want to stay living where we were and he refused to move. He wouldn't talk about the future or make any plans. He hid behind the kids to some extent and it's been years with no real job, long after they were in school.
Things between us were ambiguous after I left and I was continually offering situations / plans in which we'd get back together but he wouldn't discuss it.
I've now said it's too late and begun to plot my life without him and of course he now wants to be back together. But I don't think I can. Things have fallen into place for me and he's having a shit time.
I know I could make him feel better by going back but at what cost to me I don't know. Am I being selfish or sensible?!

Obviously the kids want us to be together but love my house, the new life he so definitely didn't want.

@Namenic this is what I've wrestled with for years. People were always saying he should work and I 100% defended him; if it were a woman they would have been telling her to put her feet up etc, not get a job.

But it's not just that. It has been a refusal to consider a move, reluctance to consider part time work (which most women would be really keen to do by the time their youngest was nine, I'm sure.

I've had plenty of periods of not working over the course of the kids' lives and he hasn't worked then either.

Your PP about him needing a hand hold is also spot on. I worry that I should hand hold and help him more but how much? I have literally found work for him and he says no.
I try to organise him to see friends, he refuses and then complains that he never sees anyone.

He wants to discuss feelings and emotions all the time but without getting anywhere.

I started this thread saying he's not a bastard and he's not but he is coming across as a bit of a useless twat in my descriptions.

Is he depressed? Does he have anxiety? Maybe see GP?

I guess it’s also finding out what is behind all this - maybe he’s scared that he’a Gonna be a failure at the job you found him (especially if you are doing well). Maybe that’s why he feels more secure in his sahd role. Is there anything he likes or is good at? Night courses, hobbies? Maybe tell him that no matter how he does at work, you think he is setting the kids a great example by doing his best and that’s all anyone can ask for. I am from an immigrant family and know lots of people who struggled with their jobs and qualifications. They may not be ‘successful’ but they put their kids/family in a better position and should be proud.

He feels like a failure which is becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I have told him that he is great. He's super intelligent and capable in many ways but thinks every move through so thoroughly that he doesn't actually make a move. He can't see that just starting is good, he needs to know how things will end, including going for a job. Whereas I think of you just stick your head above the parapet, even by getting a cafe or shop job, that you never know what comes next

He clearly has depression, and anxiety. He is going to see a therapist but has refused medication.

He is not coping well without me. We share childcare but he feels overwhelmed when he has the kids and lonely when he doesn't. He wants me to fix everything but I don't know how.

Part of me thinks I need to get in with my life, to help him but also be able to live.
Another part of me thinks maybe I am being really cold hearted and I should be with him, holding his hand and supporting him more effectively.

Encouraging exercise and helping look for a part time job may help a bit? What did he do before the kids? Sounds like depression/anxiety is the issue - it can be crippling. Reassurance and Encouragement would probably help. It sounds v hard for you too!

Wait what now .... you're helping him out with money!!!!!

Um why?

Changed my mind he is a bastard after all.

What? What’s he done?

Hope you’re okay OP.

He sounds like he has some serious mental health issues, but he can only be helped if he is willing to engage in it. Is there a root cause for the anxiety or has it just developed over time?

You’re not responsible for him OP.

OP he is trying to remotely cocklodge now he can't do it in the family home. Tell him to get a fucking grip and set an example to his children.

Oh no, what happened?

OMG He's a remote cocklodger!!

He came round this evening and just tried and tried to make me feel bad. (It worked)

Brought the kids round two hours late, then had a go at me for an hour.

He then texted to apologise and said he would bite his tongue.

Then texted and had a go again.

He's trying to persuade me I'm in the wrong and I've made a terrible mistake. It's not working.

Thanks everyone

Well, it sounds like he's helping get past your guilt, harsh as it is.

Could you ask him to limit all conversations to the kids' needs and not your (past) relationship?