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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to still be annoyed with OH (and be passive aggressive about it)

21 replies

garbagegirl · 07/04/2019 12:51

I haven't been well for a few days (just a cold) but OH has been fine. He's been helping out and what not where he ought to. Telling me along the way how tired he is from work of course. He plays this game on his phone. I couldn't tell you what it's called but it's something to do with an army and attacking other teams

Anyway, I don't think he's very good at it. He swears his head off when someone beats him and by the sounds of things it happens a lot. We have had words about this in the past. I hate it. The swearing and shouting (usually more than loud enough for our 13 and 4 yr old to hear and often enough for them to have stopped reacting)
He doesn't see the problem, apparently it's normal. I've told him it stresses me out. I have in the past told him it irritates me to the point of wanting to leave him.

So. Last night we get into bed late and I am trying to get to sleep and he is playing his game. Starts with the huffing and then the "every fucking time. Why the fuck do I bother. Fucking cunt. Fucking arghh"
I huffed a bit and turned over. He said in a really sneery way "ohhh was I stopping you snoring?"
Fyi. I may snore. I've no idea. However, he sounds like a sodding freight train. I told him to piss off.

Woken up this morning and he's in a mood with me. I am still mildly irritated but I cannot be arsed to argue. I just don't feel like I care enough to. It feels so stupidly infantile that an 18 yr relationship could come to an end over a stupid game on his phone.

I have cooked myself a lovely fry up and let him watch me eat it (he can't/won't cook for toffee)

Aibu?

OP posts:

beefthief · 07/04/2019 12:56

Yes. You're being childish.

He's being significantly more childish though.

The healthy thing to do would be to talk it over? Not when you're tired, ill, or hungry.

CarolDanvers · 07/04/2019 12:58

I don’t think you’re being childish at all! When you’ve had enough you’ve had enough. The final push is often tiny and it sounds like you’re reached the end of your rope.

MiniEggAddiction · 07/04/2019 13:23

YANBU. Who gets into bed making loads of noise when their sick partner is trying to sleep. Sounds like he's addicted to the game to be honest.

DizzyPhillips · 07/04/2019 13:25

Yeah my husband did this when watching football and I found it deeply unattractive. But otherwise he’s a good man with a stressful job. He used to go to the football every week (without fail) and said it was a good way of getting rid of pent up stress/energy but he hasn’t been to a game for ages (now his weekends are spent with the kids because he doesn’t see much of them through the week).

I didn’t have a go at him but I just said I hated the shouting (he’s not very sweary though) and while he will still do it from time to time I’ve seen a dramatic reduction.

Original poster

garbagegirl · 07/04/2019 13:28

Thanks Dizzy. I think I needed to hear that this happens in other houses too

OP posts:

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 07/04/2019 13:35

I don't blame you for being passive aggressive, he's being a massive twat.

Chocolateisfab · 07/04/2019 13:38

My exh ruined my 40th over a game. He was dumped before my 41st.
No place for phones in bed imo.

waffilyversati1e · 07/04/2019 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

garbagegirl · 08/04/2019 16:50

QueenoftheBiscuitTinthanks. He really is. He has had a blow up since I posted about how he is at the end of his tether.
Apparently (because I voiced concern that extending our youngests toddler bed to single size might make it too tight to open his wardrobe) I am a pain in the arse who doesn't know what she wants. Imagine, trying to have a conversation about something in your own home!

I told him he was a complete prick and he said "I am at the end of my fucking tether"

He is! The reason it's so laughable is that last year (the last time he was at the end of said tether) he and I got into an argument which ended with me physically hurt and screaming at him to leave. Because of the stress he caused that day I will never have perfect vision again(this outs me but meh)

I have tried so hard to move past it but I don't think I can. In the last 12 months I have worked hard to reduce my debt from 18k to 4k and I think I have removed myself emotionally from our relationship. I have sod all income from my little wahm business and 2 kids (3 when my older teen turns up) to worry about. He pays the mortgage and bills (easily on his wage) so he won't leave. I would love for him to leave.

He doesn't appear to care that he has almost certainly wrecked my future. He just acts as though I am lazy and therefore any stress is my own fault. Literally doing anything is a struggle because of constant headaches I have and it's only going to get worse for me.

Everything feels bleak right now. I know I have to be here for my kids but honestly if they weren't around I doubt I would see the point in anything. I have tried Women's aid. I was told that I would be moved far from my family (and therefore any support), I have completed the freedom programme which was great but it has really just highlighted how crap my marriage is. There were no solutions offered.

OP posts:

Original poster

garbagegirl · 08/04/2019 19:21

He walked out of work this morning an hour after he had left. He went back again shortly after arriving home (and presumably realising that he hates being here as much as he hates being there) and he was an hour and a half late back tonight. I know it's awful but I was starting to mentally tick off the things I would need to do had he decided that he wasn't coming back. I didn't even feel sad. I feel sad for our kids that I can't bring myself to play along with the charade but I feel empty.

Not expecting anyone to know what to say. Just wanted to write it down.

OP posts:

TheOriginalNutty · 08/04/2019 19:37

Hi GG, only skim read so apologies if I have any of it wrong, but the game, and anything else is not the issue is it ? You don't want to be with him anymore, end of.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, and it happens all day every day to people from all walks of life.

What you need to decide is if things are bad enough that you will end the relationship or not. Things would be hard if it ended, but not impossible.

I'm not clued up about mortgages etc so can't give any advice on that really, but if you spoke to him about it all, and told him you wanted it to end, would he not agree to move out so as not to disrupt the children ?

TheOriginalNutty · 08/04/2019 19:39

Oh and your kids will not be happy with parents who don't want to be with each other. They could be happy with their parents separately .

Furrydogmum · 08/04/2019 20:32

Are you the lady who had made great strides in distancing herself with a view to getting away? I seem to remember one and was so pleased she was taking control.. Please look out for yourself and your sons, your h won't change.

AgathaF · 08/04/2019 20:40

I would love for him to leave - this says it all.

The reason it's so laughable is that last year (the last time he was at the end of said tether) he and I got into an argument which ended with me physically hurt and screaming at him to leave - how did you get hurt? Did he hurt you?

Cambionome · 08/04/2019 20:47

Sorry - if I understand rightly he has physically hurt you in the past?

Original poster

garbagegirl · 08/04/2019 23:17

We rowed. He grabbed me by the throat hard enough to cause bruising and my vision has been affected since.. I made him leave and like an idiot a couple of months later I let him back in again (So I know i am not blameless here). I genuinely thought that 1 incident of physical violence in 18 yrs would be something we could move on from but I'm stuck in that moment. I'm not scared of him, I just pity him not being the man I held him to be. I suppose I am disappointed by my own poor choices too.

We still aren't talking. He's just gone off to bed in silence after an evening in silence. He would not move out even if I make it clear that it would be better for the kids. He would say he's nowhere to go (he has no family here and has no friends either)

OP posts:

Original poster

garbagegirl · 08/04/2019 23:24

No. I suppose it's not about the game, is it.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2019 00:02

Could you afford the mortgage if he left? Have you done the calculator thing that shows what you’re entitled to if you split?

I couldn’t stand the stupid game/swearing.

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2019 00:25

Sweet Jesus - he could’ve killed you. You need to get away from him. You poor thing. He’s awful.

What support do you have? Can YOU leave?

justilou1 · 09/04/2019 00:29

Interesting that HE doesn’t have any friends... sounds like he has made you his only person. That’s too much for one person. You can’t be that.

Original poster

garbagegirl · 09/04/2019 12:16

I would have to afford it. I would just have to work harder/better but it's still have the cost of private renting. I really don't think he would voluntarily leave though.
We still haven't spoken a word.

OP posts:

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