I can’t move on from being raped 15 years ago

[Ellalovescake]

I’m sorry I’ve posted this in mental health too and I realise that this is the wrong place but I really wasn’t sure where to put it and I’m feeling really awful tonight and was just wondering if anyone’s awake as it’s pretty quiet over there. I was raped 15 years ago (February 2004) when I was 14 and as a result of this my mental health has never been great ever since. The man who raped me died last year and I initially thought that it would bring me closure and allow me to move on but if anything it’s made things worse. I think about him all the time and still have nightmares about it. I have had so much therapy throughout the years and have taken so many antidepressants and sleeping tablets over the years as well as an antipsychotic drug last year. Nothing has helped me to move on. I have only had one long term relationship and even then I didn’t have sex until 3 years into it and I often went through periods where I cried constantly about it. I tried to report it soon after it happened to my school but I went to a very rural school and it was all a bit brushed under the carpet. I genuinely don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move on. I also have special needs (and was diagnosed with bipolar last year but that has been overturned by another psychiatrist) and the doctors that I’ve told have said it will make it much harder for me to process what has happened. Every time I look at a photo in the last 15 years of when I was happy I always think to myself that it’s in the background and even when I’ve been at my most happiest moments it’s still hung over me. Does anybody know how you move forward from this? Thank you x

You are an ideal candidate for EMDR treatment. I work in mental health, it can be life changing for some people. The only possible problem will be accessing it on the nhs. If you can possibly afford it go private, many people see a response after a couple of sessions.

I also really recommend emdr. I was used in prostitution as a child, and emdr really helped me process it. The therapy took a fair amount of time, and I had to pay for it privately, but was very helpful.

It is the best treatment for complex ptsd.

OP I am very sorry this has happened to you.
I was sexually abused at 11. But it haunted me for decades - until a counsellor asked me last year (37 years later) if I wanted to report it.
Until that moment I wondered why people reported historal abuse from so long ago - but I tell you reporting it did give me the closure I needed. Because I had always regretted that I had not reported it.
The police were amazing - times have really changed I am sure - although I have to add it was very very tough. The police wanted a detailed account so I had to push myself to work through a minute by minute account - I had spent years trying to forget but now in a way I remember more today then I did as a child.
I knew where this man worked but unfort the company had destroyed staff records by now so the police closed the case. But I finally feel I can put it in the past.
Reporting it again might not be right for you. If you ever do decide to even think about doing it - it is very very important you are seeing a counsellor at the time so you can discuss everything with them and whether you think it would help you doing it or not as it will bring up further memories and you will need lots of support.
Reporting it really affected six months of my life and even impacted on my relationship with my brother as the police asked for the names of the people with me that day.
The police never spoke to them but my brother was very unhappy I had given his name to the police. We now don’t speak much because of it but putting it in perspective I could not lie to the police about who was with me and I think my brother is just being a bit of a knob as he was worried about being made to get involved.
I also think it sounds like you need to forgive yourself. Forgive me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you are disappointed in yourself you have not moved on from things or you feel you have made mistakes that have contributed.
Sexual assault is always complicated, but I think it can be more complicated if it happens when you are a child as it’s that vunerabilty you have especially around feeling like you need to trust and respect adults.
Aside from the sexual assault as a child, I have had more physical sexual abuse experiences as an adult - but it was what happened to me as a child that caused the most pyschological damage.
Look at children you know of similar age to you when it happened. The girls might look mature but they are still children in adult bodies. They are not mentally equipped to know what to do when something so horrific is being done to them or how to process it. I remember I froze and could only think of self preservation - that if I let him do what he wanted he would not kill me and I could stay alive. You did nothing wrong and you continue to do nothing wrong. Please be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for what you perceive as mistakes you made. It doesn’t matter what mistakes you think you made to contribute to where you are today - nonone is given a manual when they have been assaulted on how to handle it. You did your best and you continue to do your best.
One piece of advice I have always remembered is that if you imagine you had a friend with the same life experiences as you and they are going through a tough time like you are - what advice would you give them? Have a think about what advice you would give such a friend - I suspect that advice would be filled with kindness and compassion. It is this advice you need to give to yourself.
And sorry, can I just add one more thing. I used to think there was never any positives to come out of sexual assault - it was all negatives that needed to be processed and dealt with. But being on mumsnet has changed that for me. Reading the detailed posts of women who have had experiences they have taken the time and energy to share to help other women - it’s just amazing.
I do wish the assault had never happened to me - it changed my life and the choices I made in life which makes me sad. But if you look for the positives it has made me a more compassionate person and an understanding friend as part of it - I bet you are like this too.
Good luck.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

I was raped several times at age 12 by my first boyfriend. This has lead to a lifetime of depression and dysfunctional relationships (many abusive).

I never really understood or processed what had happened to me and I found myself really triggered when my daughter approached the same age, along with my young son being very physically pushy.

I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result and recently had a course of EMDR which has helped massively. It was bloody hard, I won't lie, but I just couldn't go on with the feelings of anger and confusion any longer so had nothing to lose. I am no longer triggered in the same way and I am able to view the experiences as "in the past" now.

It helped me to realise how the thoughts and feelings I had before and after the abuse were valid but could be changed.

I was very fortunate to have been able to get EMDR on the NHS. it may be worth asking in your area.

I really wish you the best OP. You deserve to be able to put this to rest and move forward with your life. Sending un-Mumsnetty hugs and

I just want to add too that this is the first time I have been able to write about my experience. I have not told many people IRL and even then no details at all - I've been very vague and only if absolutely necessary. It was all too painful.

So what this shows me is that the EMDR has been very powerful, and worked where antidepressants and other therapies have not. Good luck.

OP, I feel you are right to post on AIBU. It seems like the one with most traffic, and you'll more likely get some responses. It also keeps an important topic on women's radar/discussion agenda.

I'm not a qualified therapist, but I'll give my 2 cents from my own experience.

1. Continue to get professional help if you can at all. In the UK today I believe it is much better than in the past. You will benefit from such support.

1. You are not alone. Unfortunately many of us have been through something like this. Is there any personal close to you can discuss in real life feeling when things are bad? supportive DH/DP/parent?

There are ups and downs, peaks and troughs, it seems to be long in the past then suddenly it's not. Please try get some support,both professional and personal. It really will help.

Thank you all so much for your replies, I really do appreciate them. My mum and I were talking today and I told her how I was feeling and we’ve agreed to look to going for specialist counselling through rape crisis. I have felt really sad today about it and am so tired, my sleep is terrible at the moment which seems to make things so much worse.

I had EMDR therapy as I was diagnosed with PTSD after an assault and it's really helped. I accessed it through the NHS after diagnosis from an OH psychiatrist. Maybe you could look into similar OP?x Good luck