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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hiding in my bedroom

23 replies

Verruckter · 05/04/2019 20:05

I just arrived home from university for the weekend. My mum works away during the week so I quickly spruced the house up with my dad to make it cosy for the weekend. I have also bought ingredients to make a pie for dinner.

I was just starting to chill out when my dad asked me to clean the downstairs cloakroom whilst he did the bins. Apparently, my mum has invited guests over to discuss my course.

I love my mum deeply as she has made a lot of sacrifices for me. But our relationship is also complicated and I accept it for what it is. She has always been very Jekyll and Hyde- loves playing the attentive mother routine but basically ignores my siblings and me when we are just on our own at home.

I told her I'm sick of the act. I'm not going to come downstairs and make small talk with these strangers. She will be very engaging whilst they are here but hardly talk to me for the rest of the weekend (beyond telling me the things I need to do). I can't tell you the number of times I've tried to make conversation with her and all she can do is nod and not even bother with eye contact.

I will respect her whilst I'm in this house. She is VERY concerned with the perception of others. I will often overhear gloating about my achievements but she never expresses any pride to my face.

Most Fridays she comes home late as she prefers to socialise and will also leave before 9 am on Saturdays (when I'm here). I'm happy she has a life but it annoys me that the only reason she is even home right now is to show off and pretend.

Being around my friend's parents I know she is not like other mothers. I accept that but it's hurtful to get the attention only in front of others.

AIBU to be my age and refuse to come out of my room?

OP posts:

Whocansay · 05/04/2019 20:09

YABU. Don't hide in your room. It's a Friday. Phone some mates and go to the pub!

LordNibbler · 05/04/2019 20:11

Go out, even if it's on your own to the cinema.

Original poster

Verruckter · 05/04/2019 20:11

I came home as I am feeling a bit low (break up). Juat wanted a cosy night on a sofa in front of the telly. I don't have a living room at uni

OP posts:

LovingLola · 05/04/2019 20:11

What about your dad?

HarrysOwl · 05/04/2019 20:12

I spent far too many years hiding in my room from my mother.

Whatever it takes, move out.

There's a thread on MN you might like to take a look at - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3436970-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

MountPheasant · 05/04/2019 20:12

Don’t play nice with her friends, she doesn’t deserve that.

Go and see Captain Marvel, it’s just you need post break up!

LordNibbler · 05/04/2019 20:13

What does your dad say about all this? Surely he realises it's not normal behaviour?
Also I'm sorry about your breakup

Original poster

Verruckter · 05/04/2019 20:13

Dad is great and acknowledges what I say but he makes a lot of allowances for my mum.

OP posts:

HarrysOwl · 05/04/2019 20:13

Captain Marvel is a good shout! Girl power, and all that.

LordNibbler · 05/04/2019 20:15

Your dad really ought to be protecting you from your mothers behaviour though, not enabling it.

HarrysOwl · 05/04/2019 20:16

he makes a lot of allowances for my mum

The husband's are usually the enablers. "But she's your mum"
"Listen to your mum"
"You know what your mum is like"

WoollyMummoth · 05/04/2019 20:16

Oh my love that’s really sad for you. Are you able to talk to your dad instead? Or is there a friend you could go and cry on the shoulder of?😶

Original poster

Verruckter · 05/04/2019 20:17

I would have to get a taxi. Unfortunately, we live fairly rural and my sister has taken the car. I've tried ringing her but ironically she's gone out with friends for dinner and a movie! My mum has form for springing shit on us. always feel like I'm being backed into a corner.

I think I'm just going to get the train back tonight. Had plans to go out with school friends tomorrow night but she is going to be horrible the second they leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

Verruckter · 05/04/2019 20:18

My mum is very personable (outside the family) and a huge extrovert- my dad just looks in awe at her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Verruckter · 05/04/2019 20:21

HarrysOwl I often see the thread, thanks. I will check it out.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2019 20:24

You are under no obligation to be your mother's show pony. If you aren't going out, order a lovely takeaway and hide out in your room. That's what I would do.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 05/04/2019 20:25

Could yourself abs your dad go to the cinema? Or get your sister to come back and save you!

MountPheasant · 05/04/2019 20:30

Get a taxi to the restaurant your sister is in?

Or join them at the movie?

Don’t let your mum use you as a show pony OP!

WoollyMummoth · 05/04/2019 20:31

Just because your dad puts up with this shit doesn’t mean you have to.
It’s hard when your parent does act like a “proper “ parent ,I know.
Don’t engage in her social manoeuvring, go for a bath, go to bed with a book and firmly but calmly point out that you came home to regroup and recover from your breakup. If she kicks off tough shit. You don’t have to be a performing pet for her. It will be hard and she may never change, but if you can be firm now you can dictate the boundaries of your relationship with her as adults. Just keep remembering that your not a child and you will not be manipulated by her. Big hugs by the way🙂

JontyDoggle37 · 05/04/2019 20:33

I obviously don’t have the full story and haven’t seen your mum ‘in action’ so to speak. But as someone who struggles with some behaviours that others find ‘natural’ please consider whether her inviting others over, and showing you off to others is her way of showing how proud she is, even if she can’t say it. Sometimes people who are really introverts can act the extrovert to people they aren’t close to, but don’t have the confidence to speak or physically engage with those closest to them. I know it’s not what you wanted from your Friday night, but maybe your my is just so full of pride she wants to show you off to her friends, even if she can’t voice that pride herself. Everyone is wired differently, and I’m the first to lose patience with my own mum, but at the same time in this situation, I would probably suck it up tonight, and try and find a quiet time tomorrow to have a chat about the kinds of things you’d like to do with her - don’t make it a criticism of tonight, just say ‘Mum, I love it when we spend time together, or as a family - if I come back in a fortnight, could we have a night just the three of us with a film and popcorn etc’, and then we could all do our own stuff Saturday morning..” I’m not making excuses for your mum, but someone who exists on the edge of the neurotypical spectrum, I’m very aware that she may be struggling to relate and not aware of how to fix it. Best of luck OP.

LordNibbler · 05/04/2019 20:49

I don't think OP's mother is struggling to relate at all. I think she doesn't see her daughter as a separate entity to herself and likes to bask in the reflected glory to her friends. She seems uninterested in OP as her own person and in any emotional relationship with her. Why should OP suck it up and allow her mum to do this to her, especially tonight when she's going through a breakup. Most mums would realise a more appropriate action would be a cosy night on the sofa and maybe a movie and some chocs and a handhold. You know....like normal loving people do.

llangennith · 05/04/2019 20:50

Could you go and stay with one of the school friends you mention?

DointItForTheKids · 05/04/2019 21:53

I believe 'having a chat' with DM would be totally pointless. Poor you OP, a breakup and you just want some peace and you've got this selfishness to deal with. Sadly your dad is your DMs enabler and doesn't realise that DMs behaviour is abnormal and not something to be in awe of. I do hope you manage to sort out something soothing and restorative for yourself over the weekend and fwiw, no, I don't think it's wrong in these circumstances to just stay in your room. You can just say you're not feeling well and leave it at that, get a bit of peace before you turn right round and bugger off as quickly as possible (unless you've managed to get out somewhere tonight - I imagine that past performance is likely that she would resort to guilt-tripping and shenanigans of the highest order if anyone dares to not comply with her singular view of how she wishes things to go.

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