Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think autistic people don’t understand the impact they have on people

352 replies

SpectrumBlues · 04/04/2019 20:53

Is a pretty appalling statement to make?

(On the guest blog thread about the under-diagnosis of autism in women and girls)

As an autistic person, I find it hurtful and also deeply unfair. But am I completely naive - are we really just viewed as horrible sub-humans? Should I give up trying to argue that we are just people who process the world differently? Is the fact that I have had to suffer a whole load of bullying and pain by NT people because I’m different irrelevant?

I know this is a huge indulgent pity party but I just don’t get why hurtful comments are continually made about autistic people in this website and it is accepted.

I’ll now await deletion.

OP posts:
Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 05/04/2019 00:32

Link to the comment or at very least quote it in full. On the face of things I can’t see what you are unhappy about?

saraclara · 05/04/2019 00:42

I think you are taking a statement intended to show empathy and support to carers/parents of people who present with some challenging autistic traits and reading it as an insult.

This. If it had read 'some' or 'many' autistic people it would have been a lof better, but I think you've over-reacted, OP.

My life's work has been with autistic children, and my own daughter is on the spectrum. I spend a lot of time explaining to people that the autistic children who are blunt, over-honest, and generally perceived as difficult, often do not understand what effect their words or behaviour has on others. Of course not all people with ASD lack empathy or understanding of others' feelings, but many do. And those who feel hurt by things they do, need to understand that in order to demonstrate the patience that these children need.

PalatineUvula · 05/04/2019 01:16

"The comment to which the title related has not been deleted. "

ok, could you please post the actual comment (or relevant portion of it) you are referring to?

Because I've done a search in the whole thread for ' autistic people don’t understand'

and there are 0 results.

So you seem to have paraphrased

howmanyleftfeet · 05/04/2019 01:47

My mother has ASD as does my son. My mother and I clashed terribly when I was in my teens and early 20s and a large part of this was that I wanted an emotional connection from her that she was unable to give or recognise my need for. I genuinely thought she didn't love me and wasn't interested in me until I was about 23.

Working out she's on the spectrum has helped our relationship loads as I now understand that the way she acts towards me isn't a lack of love - not at all.

It's not ablelist or unkind to recognise that the way my mum related to me was really tough for me as young person. I had a deep need for an emotional connection with her, and for her to at least appear interested in men and the things that mattered to me - and it hurt that it wasn't there. The flip side of that was that she found me really hard to cope with too.

I hope this doesn't offend you! But this was my experience. Understanding more about neurodivergence has helped me see it wasn't personal, she doesn't choose to not be emotionally available to me, it's just the way things are.

I wish we'd both known that she was on the spectrum when I was a teen and had some insight into what that meant for our relationship as it might have made my teenage years more bearable for all concerned!

She doesn't understand the effect she's had on me, and tbh I'm not inclined to explain it as I now understand she can't change it, and I wouldn't want her to feel guilty about it.

On another tack entirely, my mum is a great role model for my son, who has ASD. She's a super-smart high achiever and has a nice life and he looks up to her (as do I!)

I certainly don't think my mum is sub human, she's my shero! I love her and think she's incredible in loads of ways.

FWIW I have ADHD and I know that impacts on my family in different ways. (I think I'm aware of how, but you'd have to ask them to be sure).

howmanyleftfeet · 05/04/2019 01:48

Oops!

That should say. "and for her to at least appear interested in me "

I didn't have a need for my mum to have an interest in men!

ittakes2 · 05/04/2019 01:59

My dad has asd and he does not understand the impact he has on people - but there are also lots of NT people who don’t understand the impact they have on people. You know your truth - ignore this if you don’t agree with it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/04/2019 02:23

OP, I do think you need to quote and link to the comment in order to get a considered response.

CharityConundrum · 05/04/2019 02:46

Assuming the comment was written by an NT poster, it neatly demonstrates that failing to understand/foresee the impact of their words/actions is not a trait that is only found in people with ASD! I doubt any of us can truly understand how we affect others.

HoppingPavlova · 05/04/2019 04:10

To think autistic people don’t understand the impact they have on people

I understand you seem to have some issue with another thread, haven’t read it and don’t intend to, but I would say in general that seems pretty correct.

One of my kids (now adult) is ASD and that’s 100% true. They simply don’t understand the impact they have on anyone else. It would also be true to say that most NTs also don’t understand the impact they have on people with ASD.

As a parent with experience with ASD (my child, their friends who all have ASD and many friends, acquaintances and workmates with children with ASD), I freely admit that I often have a negative impact on my child. It’s not my intention to have this impact but that’s the truth. The thing is though that I can at least see and understand that I have a negative impact at times (and often this can’t be helped and situationally I can’t change it). The same is not true in reverse.

Harleyisme · 05/04/2019 06:22

Its swings and roundabouts in my opinion. The autism part of the sentence doesnt really stand up. Anyone can have an inpact on anyone without underatanding it in my opinion the autism part shouldn't be there.

Whatsername7 · 05/04/2019 06:28

Floating - I meant selective. Just a typo.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/04/2019 06:43

It's important to realize that those who live with or care for those with ASD (where necessary) aren't all perfect people and there are going to be difficulties, frustrations and misunderstandings.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 05/04/2019 06:56

I don't see it the same as you op. I have a lot of autistic traits myself and have, over the course of my life, been distressed many times to discover that something I said really upset a person I was speaking to, when I didn't mean it to at all. Therefore I am in that odd paradoxical state where I try hard to get my statements before making them so as to be kind/not offend, yet still can't always spot imminent offence and so cause it anyway. It's stressful and hard work, tbh!

Someone said up thread they thought the initial statement was meant kindly, and I agree with that. I think that your distress at it is a result of feeling sad about the situation in general, which seems like a pretty logical reaction to me.

Ellenborough · 05/04/2019 06:57

There are bullies in the world.
People with autism are an easy target for them.
That’s it.

True.

Then again, I've known a couple of autistic people who have been the obnoxious bullies. And their spouses and families have made allowances as apparently it's their autism and they can't help it.

Bowerbird5 · 05/04/2019 06:58

I’ll turn that statement around.

Yes, they don’t realise the impact they have:
how much they have taught me
How I have loved working with them and how while some children over time are forgotten none of the children with autism have been. I can recall the very first child I worked with who was mute so I had to find a way in to communicate with him. I did find a way. That was 27 years ago.
How one family I’m still in touch with at their request and I will be visiting this school holidays. He is now 19.
How I look at the world differently now and consider how lots of small things may make a difference one way or another.
How extremely intelligent some people are ... a person I know went to Cambridge and is probably the most intelligent person I know.
How they have changed my life for the better. Taught me more than any book can. Made me laugh and cry.

That we are all different and we should celebrate those differences. That it teaches other students patience and compassion - a life skill.

Please realise it is only their opinion. Yes they have an impact but please consider that it might be positive.
I haven’t read the article but I will today. Thank you for drawing my attention to it.

vickibee · 05/04/2019 07:00

My asd son finds it so hard to just get through a school day, he holds it all in all day behaving mostly in a nt way so you would never know he has it. It is a different story when he gets home in his safe place his rue self comes out and his behaviour can be very hard to deal with. In our situation it is close family that gets the brunt of the behaviour whilst school describes him as delightful. He certainly doesn’t realise how he affects family life, have to work round his needs and plan everything in fine detail

BlooShampoo · 05/04/2019 07:06

A horrendously cruel and lazy remark based upon stereotypes. A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.
I'm autistic and I feel massive amounts of empathy. Making someone else feel small and shitty would make me feel worse than being made to feel that way myself and I will often try to "absorb" the embarrassment someone else might be liable to in a situation as a result. I was humbled to learn that my course mates at uni know me as someone who is very kind and friendly.

I tend to find that I am much more conscious of not encroaching upon others' comfort (eg by having regard to personal space, not talking too loudly, not getting in the way) than they are to me.

BlooShampoo · 05/04/2019 07:10

None of the people who bullied me when I was a teenager gave a shit about the impact that had on me. The medical professionals who were happy to have me abused as a result of their defensive practice didn't give a shiny shit either. People who behave in inconsiderate ways in public don't care.

Vulpine · 05/04/2019 07:11

Agree with ellenborough

Ellenborough · 05/04/2019 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SilverDragonfly1 · 05/04/2019 07:15

My best friend is autistic. One of the most difficult things about it for her is that she does understand how her behaviour can affect others, but she can't always control it. The effort of constantly self policing has a huge detrimental effect on her mental health. In fact, the policing itself makes her behaviour seem more self centred to people who don't 'get it'. Unfortunately this includes her family...

She's actually extremely clever, very funny and a warm, loving person. Sadly, the way she's been treated over the years means it takes a very long time indeed for her to be able to trust someone enough to display those qualities.

OneInEight · 05/04/2019 07:21

ds2 has a huge impact on us but he would argue that we have a larger impact on him. I did find it vaguely amusing that when he was still in mainstream they used to say he lacked empathy but several of the school staff seemingly had little capacity to empathize with how he was feeling because how he reacted to situations so differently from how they would.

NopeNi · 05/04/2019 07:23

So logically what's your answer Ellen? Perhaps you'd prefer autistic women to have been sterilised beforehand? Or be locked away from the family? Maybe let the children go into care, would that be better?

Meltdowns aren't a choice and educating others on how to handle them isn't a terrible idea, it emphasises that it's not their fault either.

BlooShampoo · 05/04/2019 07:26

I think you are taking a statement intended to show empathy and support to carers/parents of people who present with some challenging autistic traits and reading it as an insult
Empathy and support for caregivers shouldn't come at the expense of those they're meant to be caring for.
A lot of "Autism Mom" types think that their opinions on autism-related issues should be held on par with, or even take precedence over, those of actual autistic people.

Ellenborough · 05/04/2019 07:26

I don't have the answer to such a complex question any more than the next person Nope.

But the title of the thread is AIBU to think that autistic people don't understand the impact they have on people' and I was recounting a story about one autistic person who clearly didn't understand the potential impact she might be having on her children.