To think autistic people don’t understand the impact they have on people

[SpectrumBlues]

Is a pretty appalling statement to make?

(On the guest blog thread about the under-diagnosis of autism in women and girls)

As an autistic person, I find it hurtful and also deeply unfair. But am I completely naive - are we really just viewed as horrible sub-humans? Should I give up trying to argue that we are just people who process the world differently? Is the fact that I have had to suffer a whole load of bullying and pain by NT people because I’m different irrelevant?

I know this is a huge indulgent pity party but I just don’t get why hurtful comments are continually made about autistic people in this website and it is accepted.

I’ll now await deletion.

[Yabbers]

but possibly talking more about the severely autistic
And? I mean, that’s true of any profoundly disabled person with low cognitive ability, still doesn’t make it in any way relevant. What are they supposed to do with that knowledge if they had it?

Is it better if a disabled person does understand their impact on people? Frankly, I spend a whole lot of my life ensuring DD doesn’t feel that she impacts on people any more than any other person does. Or is she supposed to feel guilty? Grateful? A burden? An inconvenience?

[TheFormidableMrsC]

@BollocksToBrexit 100% agree...and where would the world be if we were all the same? A huge proportion of my fab experiences have been by virtue of my DS's autism. I am grateful.

[Snog]

I'm sure that many NT people have no idea of how their behaviour negatively impacts on some individuals with ASD.

[Yerroblemom1923]

Where's the link to the thread?

[llangennith]

As a stand alone sentence I'd agree. One of my grandsons (aged 14) is autistic and he has no idea how hard it is for the rest of the family. He's wrapped up in his own world oblivious to other people's feelings.

[Yabbers]

@Yerroblemom1923

OP’s first update on page 1.

[Bibijayne]

I'm autistic. And I have a few friends who are too. We've all tended to be the victims of bullying or sexual assault, or have been taken advantage of. Not the other way round.

[NoHolidaysforyou]

My 2 and half year old son rarely babbles. He might say "ma ma ma" every other week or so. He has a twin who does have the odd word or two, but it has taken him a long time to get close to walking. I'm pretty sure we are looking at ASD for both.

And you know what? That's ok.

They are my little angels, and they have made me a better person. I already didn't care that much about other people's opinions and now they are a filter for me, they show me who is a good person nearly instantaneously and the judgemental people can take a hike. I am happy that I feel I was chosen to be their DM. They are brilliant and everyday with them is wonderful. Even the hard days. We might get up to stuff that isn't typical, but we're still a fun family and there is nothing wrong with that.

[morallowground]

I think maybe some people with autism don’t understand the impact they have on people just like some people without autism don’t understand the impact they have on people.

Im also a bit at the irony of that statement, the person posting it clearly does not have the capacity to realise how the statement they are making will impact others also, so for that reason alone I wouldn’t waste any time worrying about what they’re saying op.

[RaveOn]

I'm sure that many NT people have no idea of how their behaviour negatively impacts on some individuals with ASD

You should hear some of the things the girls at DD's secondary school say to her. They are utterly vile. DD says even the supposedly "nice" girls are routinely horrible to her.

And people say SHE'S the one with no empathy

[kateandme]

its the same with many complex conditions and illness I think though. I think a family or someone who as lived with a mental health disorder would say the same.and I think sometimes the person suffering in most moments wont see it.ive heard many family member of eating dirsder patients or other mental illness say they don't sometimes understand the impact is has on the people that "live" it with them o have to look after them.and it can hurt those suffering.
could it be said in the same way.not to hurt?
I think also some people on the spectrum are severely effected and it can take so much impact on families and carers and they actually really don't have the knowledge of this because of their condition.
because of his lack of emotional awareness my cousin had no idea that saying the things he did could hurt so much

[Dothehappydance]

My ds, sometimes, does not realise the impact his behaviour has on people and us as a family.

Obviously the statement can apply to lots of people but his black and white thinking makes it more difficult.

[Dieu]

I work 1:1 with autistic children. I absolutely adore them. They are so funny, unique and special. Life would be boring if we were all the same.

[LellowYedbetter]

I am on the spectrum and I don’t always consider other people. I’m often set on my own agenda and my mind doesn’t always allow me to consider others.

Perfect example the other night: DH and I were having a conversation which I was getting really into. All of a sudden the dog went mad and attacked DH (playfully but still biting and clawing and jumping all over him). DH tried in vain to get him off him and all the while I continued on with my part of the conversation. When I decided it was DHs time to speak I sat eagerly awaiting his contribution and then got annoyed and irritable when he didn’t speak. He was busy being mauled but in my head, he wasn’t continuing with the conversation which was rude of him. I realise now that I was being ridiculous but at the time, my mind was focussed on the conversation and would allow no room for deviation. I was being utterly self centred but didn’t realise it at the time.

I always make plans with people and cancel on a whim. It doesn’t occur to me that this affects the other person as my mind is focussed on my own requirements.

I’m lucky in that I can take a step back after the event and realise where I was being unreasonable (once I’ve had time to process it) but not all autistic people can.

[BloodsportForAll]

Most of my friends are autistic.
Knowing them at the depth which I do, means I understand where they are coming from and will ask questions, just as they understand where I'm coming from and ask me questions too. We are always questioning so we know we aren't getting the wrong end of the stick. It's hard being on the spectrum but having friends on the spectrum helps. Even though we aren't all the same.

I've met some autistic people who haven't been very nice and have caused a lot of hurt and trauma. But to be fair, the majority of people who have caused me significant harm over the years, have not been autistic.

So whilst I understand the quote in the OP, I'm a lot more comfortable being round most autistic people because I know where I stand.

[FloatingthroughSpace]

@whatsername7
Nice post, but can I ungraciously point out it is not elective mutism, it's Selective mutism. Because the mutism happens in some spaces and not others, so it is selective not pervasive. Not because there is any selection or any choice at all by the affected person as to when they are able to speak. It is an involuntary freeze response caused to the vocal chords by anxiety.

You sound like a great teacher and I am glad you were able to meet his needs - please don't think he was in any way "choosing" not to use his voice.

[Fridasrage]

Just had a scout for what you mean, Is this the post you are referring to? (Taken from the comments on the guest post)

So I ask again, you are saying that there no behaviours at all that are linked to the autistic spectrum that could cause issues in relationships? Funnily enough my dad on the spectrum also finds emotional support in illness situations impossible. Practical support yes, emotional no. It is deeply offensive that you call this an abusive dynamic. My dad is not narcissistic or personality disordered, he is autistic. Like it or not, it makes him hard to live with, and no doubt even harder to be married to - much as we love him.

It is I suppose unsurprising that those on the autistic spectrum would find assessing the impact of the condition on others a difficult thing to do.

If so, i really don't think that they are implying that autistic people are all/outright harmful, or subhuman, but that the condition can make it difficult for people with autism to see where issues arise because of social differences between NTs and people with autism.

I think it might be difficult to want a loved one to be more emotionally supportive/cushion things that they say, but also I understand empathise with why you might be offended. The statement implies that the default/standard of how we should all behave is the neurotypical way, and therefore if people with autism are simply themselves it harms NTs (because they're used to NT socialisation - for example, finding blunt truths offensive).

Maybe? I'm no expert.

[Dieu]

@LellowYedbetter

Sorry, but your dog story really did make me giggle.

Reminds me a bit of my eldest daughter, who is autistic. Her latest 'thing' is supermodels, and who can strut their stuff best on the catwalk (her idol is Naomi Campbell).
When she gets into it, an earthquake couldn't make her deviate from her supermodel monologue

[Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis]

I think it’s true. One of my dc is autistic and doesn’t understand the impact of his disability on the family. Why would he? I go to enormous lengths to try to hide that impact both from him, and my other children.

He isn’t subhuman and I think that’s a really twatty interpretation of the statement.

[PalatineUvula]

-1 for the misleading thread title.

-1 for the thread about a deleted comment.

[SkintAsASkintThing]

They don't. 🤷🤷

Both my DC have Autism. My dd in particular has had a massive impact on my mental health. As in her screaming meltdowns that could go on for hours has left me with PTSD. I physically shake at the sound of a crying child.

He's constant abuse and aggression affected everyone, even worse she had a degree of control. And could switch it all off scarily easily. Literally switching from aggressive abuser to nice smiley DD when she spotted one of her teachers in public where minutes before she'd been spitting the most awful venom at me and back again the minute her teacher had gone.

Awful, an awful thing to live with for all of us. Her included. At times she made me not want to be with and had an horrific impact on her brother. I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up trying to give him the childhood he missed out on now that dd is finally in residential care (( I finally cracked when she was 27 ))

My dd does not know or care what impact she had on all of us. And if she did she could never understand fully just how her behaviour (( sometimes through choice to get her own way as she picked up some good tactics along the way )) completely destroyed all of us and any chance of a mother / daughter relationship that isn't held slightly at arm's length.

[SpectrumBlues]

It’s not about a deleted comment?

I have no idea what you mean.

[SkintAsASkintThing]

17. Not 27. 🤔
    
    She went into care aged 17. Either ways, you get idea.

[PalatineUvula]

Sorry I'm confused. I thought you said your thread title was taken from a comment in the thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_posts/3549294-Guest-Post-Why-have-we-overlooked-autism-in-women-and-girls?messages=100&pg=1

There are a bunch of deleted comments there.

If it's not referring to a deleted comment I have no idea what it is referring to?

[SpectrumBlues]

It’s not relating do a deleted comment (I have no idea what these comments were).

The comment to which the title related has not been deleted.

I didn’t mean my title to mislead - sorry.