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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be starting to get fed up with step kids contact time being spent on games console

49 replies

Tututuna · 04/04/2019 18:22

My step children are with us 50:50. They are lovely and we do have a good relationship my issue isn't with them personally.

But recently I am getting so fed up when they are here. They have an Xbox in our living room and for the time they are here, all they do is play games.

I know that it's a generation thing now and a lot of them do it but DH will not entertain the idea of getting them something for in their room so we have our house back. He says it would be like shutting them away and not spending any time with them. But to me, they don't even notice we are in the same room when they are on it! We don't converse with them or join in.

It's definitely a DH problem, I know this. He needs to limit screen time better but it's getting to the point where I no longer look forward to them coming.

I don't mind playing games with them, watching a film, baking together etc... But I end up wanting to pull my eyes out with a rusty fork after about 3 hours of gaming in the living room. Our downstairs area is mainly open plan and they are on headsets with friends so it ends up being very loud.

We do try to go out for walks etc... But the second we are back in the house it's on. If we suggest doing something else there are tears and massive tantrums and my DH doesn't want to the 'bad guy' so allows it to continue (totally his issue).

It's not up to me to parent his children, I understand that but am I really being that unreasonable to suggest that if he wants to let them play games all afternoon/evening then can they do it in their bedroom so I feel like I can enjoy my home?!

I feel like a wicked step mother and I'm not, I really do care about these kids a lot but I feel like my house is completely taken over all day with this problem.

OP posts:

Applesbananaspears · 05/04/2019 08:44

Of they’re 10 and 13 you give them time limits. My 10 year old is only allowed to play on the weekend. The 13 year old only after all homework is done and off by 8.00.

You don’t need a tv in another room or them to have space elsewhere to play, you need some perfectly reasonable rules about when they can or can’t play

Cedar03 · 05/04/2019 08:47

They don't need to play in their bedrooms. They just need a time limit for playing on the games. They will tell you that you are mean and that none of their friends have these rules. This is quite normal. My answer to that is that I don't care what rules other people have, these are the rules that we have, everyone is different. Children do accept this as long as you are consistent.

Original poster

Tututuna · 05/04/2019 08:47

Totally agree with the time limits. I just don't feel like it's my job to or like I can, enforce them if their parents aren't bothering. So what else is the answer if not reclaiming my living room!!

I will speak to DH again about screen time limits.

OP posts:

Springwalk · 05/04/2019 08:47

Talk to dh and strike a compromise, he either moves the console to their bedroom for unlimited gaming (which you do not support as it is bad parenting) or it is limited to one hour. This is perfectly reasonable.

The rest of the time the dc either play board games, do crafts, read or watch family TV. You will be doing the children a favour op. Gaming for hours and hours is pure lazy parenting.

There is no way on earth I would allow this in my home, so I don't blame you at all. Put your foot down. It is your home, and whilst they are with you they will not waste their lives on a gaming console. At some point they will thank you for it. Not immediately but one day.

It suits you dh as he doesn't need to do anything with his children apart from vacantly stare into space rather than communicate and do things with his dc, this is not healthy for any of them.

Applesbananaspears · 05/04/2019 08:49

I think it is your job to impose limits, that’s totally not over stepping the mark. Of course the children will be cross, that’s what gaming does, it makes them vile if you want them to get off but they’ll get over it. They’ll huff and puff about it but that’s because they’re 10 & 13 and not because you’re an evil step mother

HoneyWheeler · 05/04/2019 09:04

I think it's not so much how much time they spend gaming - Id perhaps leave the DH to sort - but that it's taking over your house, and you get to have a say in that. I think as previous posters have said, after 6pm is family is a great rule! Maybe try and agree some boundaries with all of you together? You are a family, even if they're not your bio children, and you do get a say

Sausagerollers · 05/04/2019 09:08

Please do not allow children who are talking to other gamers online to have a screen in their bedroom. This is an internet safety basic.

They need to be in earshot of you so you are 100% certain who they are in contact with.

Grooming is rife on these gaming platforms, please limit their usage, but keep an eye on them.

mando12345 · 05/04/2019 09:13

That's far too much time gaming. However I would be pleased they are gaming in the living room so you can keep an eye on things.
Your DH needs to speak with his ex to see how long they spend gaming at her house and come up with an agreement that they are allowed the same amount of screen time at both houses.

Vulpine · 05/04/2019 09:15

I simply wouldn't put my dh through this as I'm sure you wouldn't if it was the other way round.

Meandmetoo · 05/04/2019 09:19

We compromise here. I won't allow the PS4 in the bedroom for similar reasons as your DH and I want to be in earshot when they are online with others, so he is being sensible (maybe without realising it). Then they have an old PS3 without online capability, so when it's time for TV, they can then go upstairs for a bit and carry on gaming. Seems to work well here, might be an idea?

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 09:20

Wrong thread @Vulpine?

SpotlessMind · 05/04/2019 09:22

I’m with their dad on keeping it in the lounge - I won’t let my DS have his console in his bedroom because (a) I’d hardly see him, and (b) I want to keep an ear on the conversations that are going on. I absolutely get why it’s irritating to you because I am in the same position but I just wait til he’s gone to bed to watch TV (and you also have half the week where you have the house to yourselves to catch up presumably). I just remind myself that it’s just a stage - they’ll be grown before you know it.

I think limits on screen time are a no brainier but it is made more complex when it’s their main form of communication with their friends (and for a lot of kids it is).

Original poster

Tututuna · 05/04/2019 09:28

Meandmetoo

I do like that idea, we do have an old console boxed away somewhere that they could use for playing (but not online) when they are upstairs.

Just to clarify I don't mind spending an hour or two with them playing it in the lounge but honestly when it's hours on end, I feel like my whole weekend is just spent watching it and maybe it's selfish but I've never been so incredibly bored and frustrated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tututuna · 05/04/2019 09:30

And I do have half the week yes, but they stay with us over the weekend so there's more time spent on it than in the week.

OP posts:

Vulpine · 05/04/2019 09:30

Also human - no right thread! I would not put my dh in the situation that op is in. Its our home - I would not let it be dominated by my kids in this way. Correct thread

lynseyjh123 · 05/04/2019 09:37

If you have a good relationship with your husband's ex, could you speak to her about it? Perhaps ask how much screen time she allows them in her home?

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 05/04/2019 09:39

I honestly don't get this generation of kids being able to do what they want and parents just having to suck it up and just do their thing once the kids are in bed. There's no way in hell I'd have been allowed to take over the living room when I was a kid. I was welcome to join my parents in whatever they were doing but hell would freeze over before they'd just sit there and watch me do what I wanted for hours on end or even worse, sit in their bedroom.

My bedroom was where I went if I wanted to do my own thing. Granted you may have to compromise slightly due to internet safety nowadays but there's nothing wrong with a kid spending an hour talking to their mates and then being expected to wait until school the next day.

Mememeplease · 05/04/2019 09:44

It isn't your say in the parenting aspect but it's certainly your right to have access to your living room.
Tell DH that you need access to your lounge 50% of the time that they are here. How he wants to facilitate that is up to him, but focus purely on wanting some lounge time to yourself.

Adversecamber22 · 05/04/2019 09:48

As a lifelong gamer I never allowed my DS until 15 to have a console in his room. People focus on the games but the the real issue is internet safety. If I said your dc could chat at anytime on their phones to complete strangers you wouldn’t let them. DS was not allowed to speak to any non school friends. I myself had an issue with an online friend who became obsessive, he is blocked but it was awful.

We have two televisions in the sitting room, one in each alcove, one for TV and one for games.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/04/2019 09:51

TV in their bedroom. I think your DH is being UR. No way would I have children dictating when I might use the communal living space.

And this 'structured screen time' - exactly how to parents engage their children for the other X hours a day ? Because they don't. I seriously do not believe they go for mass baking sessions, walks in the woods, collecting pebbles on the beech, have hydroponic irrigation systems, knit yohurt and visit museums every. sodding. day etc etc all necessitating hands on parental time as much as parents pretend this is what they do in reality the kids are plonked in front of the telly - which of course is just more screen time.

Original poster

Tututuna · 05/04/2019 11:00

Thanks all, I will speak to DH about some possibilities.

OP posts:

AyoadesChinDimple · 05/04/2019 11:07

Definitely not U.

My stepkids use the PlayStation in their room. They aren't on it all the time they are here, I wouldn't let my kids do that and my OH wouldn't let his.

I wouldn't have it on the tv downstairs. So very antisocial.

ASundayWellSpent · 05/04/2019 11:25

Not a SC problem, a screen time problem, and a DH who isn't willing to enforce it. I can't stand gaming so could put up with it for maybe an hour a day, in the evening after tea or something but definitely not as opposed to doing something else!!

Original poster

Tututuna · 05/04/2019 13:05

Absolutely agree it's more a DH problem rather than a SC one.

OP posts:

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