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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I make him pay csa?

19 replies

WonderhowidoitWoman · 04/04/2019 18:15

Long story short I was seeing a guy who was "single".. wasnt for long only like 4 months and I fell pregnant. I was unsure about it and knew we wasnt going to be together properly and he was adamant he didn't want any more children and especially not in our predicament.. and I agreed so I booked in for a termination and told him I had terms which was if I was over 10 weeks I wouldn't go through with it and told him he needed to come to support me.. anyway I found out on 15th Aug I was pregnant.. my app was 26th Sept as we didn't think I was that far gone. We was still talking and being friends I needed him for the support to go through with the termination.. ANYWAY Its 16th Sept and I finish work and go home, log into my social media to see he got married to the girl he said he was split up from. I've never ever felt pain like it. Turns out he wasnt single and lied, I don't know how he managed to get away with it as we was meeting up and taking our kids out on day trips (we wouldn't kiss or anything just wanted it to stay friendly so we acted as friends and the kids got on) his son and mine are same age and they loved spending time together.. anyway I felt more sure to have the termination because I was already a single mum and didn't want to do it alone again so first time I spoke or seen him was in train station to go for this termination.. I couldn't look at him I wasnt nice I would only talk if I wanted to I was in tiers and would you believe I noticed he put his wedding ring on another finger "to not 'disrespect' me any further" anyway got to my app an I was over 11 weeks so I told him I'm not doing it. He seemed mad but once we left he was just his normal self trying to make me smile and be my friend. He came round to the idea but wouldn't tell his wife, he would ask about scans and rang me when I found out my gender, gave me mixed messages all through out until I cut him off sick of his games. He still wanted to stay friends but didn't want anything to do with my daughter so i didn't contact him when she was born but when I bumped into him in our town centre he had all her birth info on his phone, asked to hold her but I said no, he was basically just being nosey. The next time I was in town he seen me from a distance so I turned direction and he messaged asking if he could see her but I was already on my way home by time I seen his message so i said no.. she's nearly a year old now and i have tried to talk to him twice and he came with excuse after excuse and "we don't know what the future holds he might eventually be involved" tbh I don't want her to be around him but I'm struggling alot more than I thought I was going to money wise and since Jan I've been on UC but looking for a job because I cant survive on this money even though I wanted to stay off another 3 months to enjoy her before.. so do I go to CSA or get on struggling by myself? I feel like if he was honest and told me about his fiance at time we wouldn't be stuck in this mess but he wanted to eat as much cake as he could and I naively believed in him and everything he told me like a idiot.

OP posts:

Original poster

WonderhowidoitWoman · 04/04/2019 18:17

Maybe longer than I thought but that's still the short version lmao 🙈

OP posts:

FissionChips · 04/04/2019 18:18

Of course he should pay for his child.

formerbabe · 04/04/2019 18:19

The whole story is irrelevant to be honest.

If he's the biological father, he needs to be paying maintenance.

zsazsajuju · 04/04/2019 18:20

Yes he should be paying maintenance for his child. Go to cms.

LIZS · 04/04/2019 18:22

Of course he should pay csa. How do you expect to continue to fund your baby as she gets older otherwise?

Original poster

WonderhowidoitWoman · 04/04/2019 18:22

Even though I chose to keep her when he told me he wanted nothing to do with her? I feel like if I chose to keep her if should be on me.. I'm confused tbh

OP posts:

Sausagerollers · 04/04/2019 18:23

You HAVE to go to the CSA.

Do not put yourself and your DC in danger of debt and homelessness etc because of this piece of sh*t.

All human beings who create new human beings have a duty to ensure they're looked after both emotionally and financially.

If he can't be arsed to do any of the actual parenting then he should definitely cover some of the cost of raising his child.

What a pathetic specimen of a man.

FissionChips · 04/04/2019 18:24

Even though I chose to keep her when he told me he wanted nothing to do with her?

Yes.

If he really didn’t want a baby then he shouldn’t have ejaculated inside of you.

formerbabe · 04/04/2019 18:25

Even though I chose to keep her when he told me he wanted nothing to do with her? I feel like if I chose to keep her if should be on me.. I'm confused tbh

That's not how child maintenance works. There's nothing to be confused about.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 04/04/2019 18:25

Agreed the story is irrelevant and tbh a bit Jeremy Kyle. He should pay for his children.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 04/04/2019 18:27

The money (and recognition) isn't for you it is for your child so yes go to the CSA.

I didn't read your long post as it doesn't have paragraphs but ensure you know where he is in case your daughter wants to meet up with him in future.

Zilla1 · 04/04/2019 18:28

Even if he hadn't lied about being married, you should go to CSA as your child deserves whatever money CSA get. Someone can probably advise if CSA payments will reduce your UC entitlement but even if they do, it will be an additional income once you decide to and succeed in finding employment.

He choose to have unprotected sex and to lie to you about his marriage, not that you are going to CSA in revenge, more that he shouldn't feel 'hard done by' though I expect he will.

You'll have to decide whether to tell him in advance so he can be prepared at home. I don't think he deserves consideration but I'd hate for his reaction to you to be extreme. Is there anyone around who can be supportive if he 'kicks off'. His poor wife too.

Purpleartichoke · 04/04/2019 18:33

None of the personal drama matters. He has a child. He needs to support that child.
Get the proper paperwork filed. It should have been done a year ago.

Original poster

WonderhowidoitWoman · 04/04/2019 18:36

Well I wont be giving him any warning he can get his letter and deal with it I will be ringing up in morning to sort it out. I just needed to know if I do I'm not being unreasonable, and it's really not for revenge or I would of ruined his family life and told his wife regardless the threats but I'm just trying to do right by my daughter.. thank you though guys

OP posts:

Original poster

WonderhowidoitWoman · 04/04/2019 18:41

Zilla1 I know I do feel awful for her but he already told her my daughter wasn't his when she found out, hes apparently getting divorced anyway she knows he was cheating but your right he isn't getting any consideration from me at all and I don't think he will kick off as such just be an arsehole about it.
But then I think if I do go ahead with csa will he try to be involved because he has to pay.. I've messed my head up over thinking everything for the last year and just got on with it because it was easier I'm torn between fuck him you can do this by yourself & fuck him he needs to do tribute

OP posts:

Youseethethingis · 04/04/2019 18:45

The money isn’t for you, it’s for your daughter. She is legally and morally owed this money by the man who fathered her, regardless of circumstances and regardless of opinions.

Zilla1 · 04/04/2019 19:28

Good luck.

You'll be doing the important work every day by yourself as you have for however long it has been since your DC was born. He's just getting the 'opportunity' to financially contribute.

I get the feeling you might be uncomfortable if he pushes for contact though if he was so bothered about holding her when you met, it is possible he would have done that anyway, probably after any divorce (if he was telling the truth over that).

It might feel like money and contact are linked (and in practice they might be a little) but I understand the principle is in the UK courts that they are not directly linked. Good luck.

kissmewherethesundontshine · 04/04/2019 20:02

Agree with PP regarding making a claim through CMS, I'm on UC and you just have to declare it but they don't reduce payment because of it (not the usual amounts, I expect they would if it was £10000's)

On a side note I would think very carefully about working if you needed to pay childcare through UC while DD is young as myself and lots of people I know regularly don't get the childcare paid making us massively worse off every month. If I'd known then what I know now I would be at home with the children until they started school.

Selmababies · 04/04/2019 20:33

Financial support through the CSA is a completely separate issue to whether he sees your daughter or not.
If you don't agree to him seeing her (and I can see why you may not want him to) then he can go to court to apply for 'parental responsibility' and a contact order that states when he can see her.

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