Is my mum a bad mum?

[2ndaryInfertilityage30]

After a number of years of struggling with fertility, we were very lucky to conceive my now 18-month-old son.

He was born 8 weeks early, under stressful condition via an emergency c-section.

My husband and I also have 6 year old (5 at the time) and so my husband was on duty with my daughter and I was in the NICU with our son.

During that time my mum (who lives 80 miles away) choose not to visit or help. I spent the duration of NICU and SBCU (3 weeks in total) alone pumping milk and then returning home to look after my DD, pumping milk all night to then go back into NICIU. DH had to work. When my mum would call she would make comments about how ridiculous it was for me to be pumping milk and that I was making the situation 'hard' for myself. She’s pretty anti BF.

I know our stay in hospital was short compared to a lot of families, but it was one of the hardest times of my life. MY son is now 18 months old and she has seen him 3 time. 2 times I had to travel to her, and the 3rd time was his christening.

When my mum did call me, she would touch on the baby and me but only want to talk about my brother and how he was doing. (He had suffered a break up, from a very long-term relationship about 3 weeks prior to my son being born)

Her only concern was 'Had I heard from my brother, was he ok?'

I have for as long as I can remember been a middle person between my mum and brother, and I have had enough. I have told her as much and we have fallen out a lot about it over the past year. We haven't spoken in 3-4 months and I got a text message from her the other day enquiring about my brother - that was all.

My brother doesn't speak to our mum as she is a ‘ball of stress’ (His words) and he has to spend all his time telling her he is ok - there is nothing historic to make her so paranoid about him. My brother is a good guy (Other than aiding this situation.)

Anyway, I also have a sort of step sister. My Mums partners daughter. They paid for her to go to uni (rent and fees) paid for her driving lessons and bought her a car.

I had student loans for fees and maintenance and worked - wasn't given a penny. I learned to drive later in life as I'd never had the money, paid for my own lessons and car.

My mum and her partner live around 30 miles from the sort of step sister - so closer. They babysit a lot for her, she's had weekends away and lots of freedom. They do 2 days a week child care for her so she doesn't have to spend on child care.

There is a lot more to this, my mum and partner have proudly told me I won’t be in their will, just the sort of step sister and my brother as I have done well for myself. I genuinely don’t want their money but I don’t understand why they had to make this clear to me? Additionally, when I was pregnant, my mum offered 4 days of child care for my daughter in the summer holidays – this was March when we confirmed. I asked her to let me know if she couldn’t do it at any point with as much notice as possible. A week prior to the summer holiday time we had booked – and during a time we were renting a temporary flat as we were in-between houses as we’d just bought a new house – life was pretty hectic, my mum cancelled. It was very difficult to find holiday clubs with that little notice and DD was very disappointed.

AIBU to want to cut ties with my mum? I am just so fed up of being used for communication and given no support?

She sounds truly awful and I would cut ties.... she has shown who she is by her complete lack of interest in you or your DC.

I think the ONLY appropriate response is to cut ties with this toxic mother, OP.
Your brother and the step daughter are the “golden children” and you are the family scapegoat. This is a classic scenario in toxic families.
You will always be offered the shitty end of the stick. The golden ones will get all the goodies on offer - love, money, time, attention.
You cannot cure your mother. There is nothing you can do that would transform her into the loving parent you crave.
Cut your losses and go no contact with her. Save yourself the repeated pain of hoping “this time she’ll be different”, when she never will be.
I had to do this with my own mother, OP, and I never regretted it - I wish I’d done it years earlier. I felt only relief and freedom, and shed not a tear when she finally died.

This sounds like an extremely difficult family dynamic for you. You sound disappointed in her behaviour rather than upset about the “cutting out of the will” and lack of support offered to you. Her favouritism of your brother and step sister come across as painful to you, would you honestly feel the loss of the relationship with her?

You don’t mention how good your relationship with your brother is? Hopefully good. Perhaps you could just phase contact out and only respond when you feel like you want to engage. Adopt your brothers approach, it will be less painful for you especially given how her actions are hurting your DCs.

Forgot to add - read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, and look at the Stately homes thread here on Mumsnet - you’ll find lots of fellow sufferers and gain support.

Another site you might find helpful is called Out of the FOG, online. It's surprising but quite a few people have this.

@bardoc I've never actually come across Toxic parents before or thought of it that way?

However though, even these replies are very interesting as I always thought that my thoughts about cutting her off were awful.

Looking back at childhood, my brother who had bad asthma had the big room (He needed them for all his toys you see...) I had a box room and in one house, i honestly think it was a cupboard. My mum used to smack me with the back of her slipper as it 'hurt her hands too much, and when i was a teenager she used to tell me i was jealous of her.... I can honestly say i have never wanted to be anything like her...

However i do remember thinking i had the best mum in the word when i was very very small though, despite the fact she did smack hard.

Actually yes I would go NC.

Not only is she treating you, her daughter, unequally and unfairly compared to the other adult DCs, but she's already affecting your own daughter. That will only get worse as your daughter gets older and you maybe have other children. She doesn't seem to be adding anything positive to your relationship - quite the opposite.

If/when you do go NC be prepared for "flying monkeys" eg your brother, step sister/father, etc. to berate you for your "disrespectful" treatment of her. They'll just be trying to get you back to the current situation.

Sorry but i think your mum is definitely a bad mum, i would go NC with her as it doesn't sound like you get anything from her, She sounds like she is going out of her way to make you feel unwanted and i wouldn't allow it.

Either go complete NC or send her a nice letter/ text to tell her why and that it is so you can get on with your life. then Block and move on x

Can you see yourself treating your DC like this in the future, or wanting to?

Cut ties now, if only to protect your DC from this nonsense. She brings nothing positive into your lives!

When I read threads from OPs with parents like yours, I always hope the OP will move house with no forwarding address to these hideous relatives...

Yes she is a bad mum. She is cruel, vindictive and spiteful. Can you imagine treating your own daughter or son like this? She will be unpleasant to your dc too, as they are not good enough, being yours. She has snubbed them already. They and you absolutely do not deserve this. Cut your losses, cut contact to have as little to do with them as possible.

You have nothing to lose. They bring nothing positive. (Not counting your brother particularly, I don't know whether you have a good relationship with him.)

I think your brother has the correct attitude. She sounds horrible and brings nothing positive to the relationship. ('big ball of stress' sounds generous) . Leave her to fuss over your step sister - from the sounds of it her attention will end up being a bit of a poisoned chalice.