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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does this happen to other people?

57 replies

Furrytoebean · 04/04/2019 09:34

Standing at the bus stop waiting for my bus and an older man turns to me, taps me on the arm and pointedly says 'there's a 52 coming if you want it' and starts to flag it down.
I just smile and say I don't want the 52 thanks for pointing it out.

Now this happens all the time, that older men tell me that the bus is coming when I'm just happily standing at the stop and have eyes.
I'm not on my phone or anything I'm just standing there like they are.

I know they're just trying to be nice but I find it really odd.
Is it a regional thing? Does it happen to other people? Or do I just have a face that looks like I don't know how to hail a bus?

OP posts:

Original poster

Furrytoebean · 04/04/2019 10:16

but we quite often ask someone in front are you after/getting the so that we know if we're going to skip the line.

But it wasn't that, he wasn't getting that bus either.
He just was making sure I wasn't just going to stand there and let the bus I wanted drive past without hailing it.

OP posts:

FissionChips · 04/04/2019 10:16

People point out which bus is coming usually if it looks like someone isn’t paying attention and might miss it. Response is usually “Thanks, almost missed it” or “It’s alright, I’m waiting for the 34” .

It’s just being helpful and friendly .

GerryblewuptheER · 04/04/2019 10:17

A guy chatted to me about me putting my coffee cup in the bin!

I wear headphones to avoid this.

Not that that stopped the old man who decided to shove me towards the check out when the person hadn't even finished being served.

Original poster

Furrytoebean · 04/04/2019 10:17

Also he wasn't chatting.
He hadn't said a word to me the ten minutes we were at the stop.

OP posts:

FissionChips · 04/04/2019 10:21

Is it just because he’s a man that you have an issue with it? Women do it too, me included.

BloodyDisgrace · 04/04/2019 10:21

Not the same very thing, but I witnessed a woman reacting rather badly to similar situation. Man and I were at a bus stop, the electronic panel was not working so we didn't know when the next bus is. The woman looked at the panel and moved away. The man said to me "ok, I'll have a look on the phone timetable, shall I?" I was about to say "oh thank you that would be handy" but the woman butted in and said "Oh yes! Always a man trying to sort things out!" She was visibly annoyed but I, clueless as ever at this time of morning, didn't even understand what it was all about.
Nah, I like when people try to be helpful (apart from intrusive sales assistants). I'm not someone who bases one's self-worth on such important achievements such as opening my own door, doing my own plumbing, knowing when all the buses are coming etc. so anyone's attempt to help is a huge insult to a modern independent woman...

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 10:23

perhaps this man was just a sorter outer

Happyspud · 04/04/2019 10:24

Bloody, I think you don’t get it yet. Its not about basing our self worth on being able to do everything, it’s about not letting people treat us as imbiciles just because we are women.

outpinked · 04/04/2019 10:25

This is a really odd thread. I’ve had old men and women point out buses before as well as younger people . It’s usually when I’m engaged with my DC or on my phone tbf so they probably don’t want me to miss it.

I think they’re just trying to be helpful tbh, no sexist undertones.

Original poster

Furrytoebean · 04/04/2019 11:11

I think I'm not able to explain it properly. It's not that I don't want to chat to someone or I hate men helping me.

So this morning there wasn't just me and him at the bus stop there was about 6 people there, but it was only me he turned and said it to. It was the way he said it too, he touched my arm and looked right in my eyes.

I have no problem with people being helpful or friendly, but there's just something off about this.

I'm only 5 foot, have blond hair and am quite young looking so I think maybe they think I'm younger than I am.

I also have a 'chatty face' it's always a joke that if you leave me somewhere by the time you come back I'll have a stranger telling me their life story.

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 04/04/2019 11:19

Honestly? I think you’re overthinking it.

Even if he was dodgy you were in the vicinity of multiple other people so it would be highly unlikely anything would have happened. It’s a non-event imho.

If you keep finding yourself in uncomfortable situations I would recommend researching techniques in assertiveness and maybe taking a self defence class to boost your confidence and develop a ‘don’t talk to me fuckface’ aura.

DadDadDad · 04/04/2019 11:29

OK, that's a lot of extra detail that makes it sound a bit odder than your OP suggested. Obviously, you were there and we weren't, so if it felt odd to you, then your intuition may be right.

PicsInRed · 04/04/2019 11:34

I'm only 5 foot, have blond hair and am quite young looking so I think maybe they think I'm younger than I am. I also have a 'chatty face' it's always a joke that if you leave me somewhere by the time you come back I'll have a stranger telling me their life story.

People who don't deal with this just won't get it.
What you talk about really is a "thing" and it's a time wasting exhaustion.

Those who don't experience this will say you think too much of yourself or some other nonsense. Those of us who deal with this rubbish get it and you are not being unreasonable.

nellyitsme · 04/04/2019 11:40

I always have people chatting to me, I live in the midlands, and usually I don't mind at all. You don't know their circumstances. An elderly man tried to catch my eye at the bus stop then he sat next to me an told me he travels most days on the bus to get out of the house since his wife died and he always found someone to talk to - he was a lovely man and told me all about his family and his life. He thanked me for talking to him. What's the harm in that? I always think it might be me one day "there but the grace of god go I"

Original poster

Furrytoebean · 04/04/2019 11:43

Thanks pic

It's a really strange thing because whenever I try to explain to people it always sounds like the man is just being friendly and helpful but it never feels like that at the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Furrytoebean · 04/04/2019 11:45

nelly I chat to people all the time, that's not the issue. I don't have a problem with having a little chat at the bus stop.
I live in Newcastle, I wouldn't be able to leave the house if I couldn't enjoy having a blather a on the bus.

This is something slightly different that I'm doing a terrible job of explaining.

OP posts:

bigKiteFlying · 04/04/2019 11:50

It sounds like one of those situations when it the vibe that being picked up which is hard to convey.

No it doesn't tend to happen to me - though when younger it wasn't unknown I assumed they were unfamiliar with buses or trains and thus asssumed everyone else was.

PuppyMonkey · 04/04/2019 12:03

OP it’s starting to sound like something more than what I do about checking if you’re going to flag the bus down or not. Sounds a bit sinister in many ways. Maybe they assume all petite blonde women are actually Barbara Windsor.

I think I’m more of a “do not approach me” type of person - I have a “mardy resting face” so that helps no end.

You should see me ignore chuggers in the street, I can just expertly blank them and leave them going “wha...?” after me.

Cornettoninja · 04/04/2019 12:09

I’m not dismissing op’s take on the situation I just don’t think it’s particularly healthy to scrutinise it to death.

It happens, there are strange people out there and there are certainly those of us who look and come across as softer targets for them. On a scale of weird encounters though this one barely registers as it’s been described and there was no other action the op could have taken.

StarryUnicorn · 04/04/2019 12:12

This is something slightly different that I'm doing a terrible job of explaining.

I know what you mean OP, it's them acting like a parent to a young child, the assumption of incompetence, it's demeaning though it is not intended by them to be so, they think they are just being nice.

I am neither short nor female, so don't experience it often, when I do it's older women that do it to me...

I usually respond with "Thank you, but I can manage, I'm all grown up now!" It usually knocks the wind out of their sales without being too obnoxious.

Piapiapianopianopiano · 04/04/2019 12:13

"Sorter Outer"

JemSynergy · 04/04/2019 12:20

Things like this don't bother me at all. Helps keep my life stress free.

T2705 · 04/04/2019 12:45

I like your "chatty face" description - I have one too although I call it being a "nutter magnet", chatty face is way more polite :)

Friedspamfritters · 04/04/2019 12:49

Someone did this to DH before (he was up north at the time and mentioned it as as an example of friendly northerners). I think you'd have to be quite sour faced to be offended by it.

GerryblewuptheER · 04/04/2019 13:05

Oh it most definitely is a thing op

I get it too. Even with headphones and death stare still some how I end up knowing all about their health problems and pet expenses

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