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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to get rid of this guy?

45 replies

weightonmyshoulders · 04/04/2019 05:49

Basically there was a guy who I worked with for about 8 months, he was slightly newer than me although a lot older and was going through some of the same issues I was when he joined. I seemed to be one of few people he felt comfortable talking to and I felt sorry for him so I tried to help as best I could, give advice etc. We worked on different teams and I didn't see him that much so it wasn't a massive inconvenience and I consider myself to be a decent, empathetic person who tries to help people.

Anyway, I won't go into all the details but he had a lot of problems with doing the job and squabbling with colleagues so he left before he was forced out of the organisation.

It wasn't immediately obvious to me at first but some colleagues did warn me he probably fancied me even though he never said anything inappropriate to me.

Ever since he got my number (many colleagues have my number although I really wish I'd never given him mine as I didn't expect the constant communication) he messages me on a near-daily basis, sometimes I receive several messages per day from him. Most of the time I don't respond, not just because I find the level of contact inappropriate for someone who was an ex-colleague, someone I wouldn't even call a friend, but because I'm busy also working long hours and living my own life, dealing with my own problems.

Again, he hasn't said anything inappropriate or ever commented on my appearance but the level of contact itself feels like he wants something more and I find it odd that when I don't reply he just basically has a one-way conversation with himself on the chat facility he messages me on, just posting random inane stuff I don't care about.

Because he is currently unemployed and has talked about having depression I feel bad blocking him but I honestly don't know how much more I can put up with this. I avoid speaking to my friends on this app now because whenever he sees I'm online he sees that as an invitation to bombard me with messages. It's a weird feeling but I almost feel really oppressed by his demands for my time and attention.

Any advice please? I've tried to be subtle but gently firm before saying I'm busy or posting minimal word replies but then a few days later it all starts again.

OP posts:

ALannisterInDebt · 04/04/2019 07:22

I don't usually agree with the MN masses when they say to just suddenly block someone (without warning)

But not this time, I definitely think you should block him.

He has boundary issues and is manipulative.

Ihatehashtags · 04/04/2019 07:23

He sounds like a creep. This happened to me once. I tried to be nice and eventually when I did just say please don’t message me again, he turned nasty. Calling me everything under the sun. I then told him I was contacting the police about his texts, I blocked him and that was the end of it.

HelicopteringBastard · 04/04/2019 07:24

I only blocked in the last few days so there is time for hom to cook something up - the test will be when i dont show up at an event we've both attended for years later this month - i've cancelled because of him!

Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 07:25

I agree about blocking. It’s easy.

I got into this situation with someone messaging me within two seconds of me being online. It was weird how he could do it so quickly. Anyway I was polite for months until he sent me a video (which I didn’t open.) I blocked him on the message app, then on my phone so he couldn’t text. It was such a relief and I feel I should have done it straight away and not engaged at all.

1099 · 04/04/2019 07:25

Just came on to say it's not just a male thing, I've recently been through this with a mother of my son's friend, she became obsessed with me convinced herself we were soul mates, it got so bad I found her sitting outside my house one night, in short these sort of people can't take a hint, you need to be pretty blunt I'm afraid or he'll never stop.

RabbityMcRabbit · 04/04/2019 07:50

No explanation, no comments, just block. You owe him nothing

Meangirls36 · 04/04/2019 08:01

Just stop taking to him he'll get the hint

SoupDragon · 04/04/2019 08:21

Why wouldn't you say "I find these communications uncomfortable, please don't contact me any more" and then block him? Surely just blocking him is ghosting which is always frowned upon on MN when posters say they are being ignored by someone.

Bezalelle · 04/04/2019 08:28

Ghosting isn't frowned upon when the offender is a creepy stalking git!

RabbityMcRabbit · 04/04/2019 08:35

Ghosting isn't frowned upon when the offender is a creepy stalking git!

This

SoupDragon · 04/04/2019 08:37

Ghosting isn't frowned upon when the offender is a creepy stalking git!

You realise you're calling the OP a creepy stalking git don't you?

CoraPirbright · 04/04/2019 08:37

Def agree with just blocking this creep. Also, how ‘on it’ is your HR? If they are sharp, they will not give your out to anyone who might call claiming that they have some paperwork they need to forward to you. Or if he turns up at the office to ‘say hi’ to his old colleagues.......think you could do worse than mention this to them.

CoraPirbright · 04/04/2019 08:38

*give your address out

SoupDragon · 04/04/2019 08:38

Given he hasn't said anything inappropriate it's hard to see how he is creepy and stalking. All the OP needs to do is say "don't contact me again" and block him. It's not hard.

trendingorange · 04/04/2019 08:45

Block and relax.

I've had to do this recently to someone (male) I have know for 20 years, but don't see anymore, their texts were getting more and more intrusive and erratic.
I tried ignoring them but they would just keep texting.
In the end I'd had enough and just blocked.

I felt a bit mean, but actually they were hassling me, so what else could I do?

RainbowFox · 04/04/2019 09:18

"I find these communications uncomfortable, please don't contact me any more"

I think I agree with SoupDragon, send something like this. Not because of the ghosting but so it is explicitly clear he is not to continue contacting you. Then if it escalates you have clear evidence you've told him you don't want contact.

I can easily imagine someone like this using a different number to contact you again, but under the guise of 'I was worried about you' or 'I thought you may have lost your phone' or any excuse really! But if you've already made it clear you want no more contact then they have zero excuse for doing so.

Unfinishedkitchen · 04/04/2019 09:18

I’ve had to block someone I went to uni with over 20 years ago. I haven’t seen her since then but every so often she’d bombard me on Facebook messenger asking to meet. I’m very busy and have a hard enough time meeting my family and friends. I had no issue with her staying as a Facebook friend but that wasn’t enough for her.

She got my landline number from another friend and kept calling my house. I spoke to her a couple of times but she kept ringing so I blocked her. She then got my mobile my number and every time I was online on WhatsApp there she was trying to call or message me. I actually felt invaded and a bit scared so I blocked her. It’s like she got some kind of notification that I was online. She’s still on my Facebook but I don’t go on there anymore so there’s no interaction.

RainbowFox · 04/04/2019 09:19

Just to add, send it but then of course still block him.

Happynow001 · 04/04/2019 09:43

@weightonmyshoulders
OP you are over-thinking this.

I suggest you send a final message as another PP suggested (below) as evidence in case you need to get the police involved later then immediately block.

"I find these communications uncomfortable, please don't contact me any more"

If he's on any of your social media block there too - you mention an app you are in? WhatsApp? Other?

Also use this experience to raise your personal boundaries for the future:
some colleagues did warn me he probably fancied me even though he never said anything inappropriate to me.

Protect your personal information.
Ever since he got my number (many colleagues have my number although I really wish I'd never given him mine as I didn't expect the constant communication) he messages

Hope you manage to sort this out soon.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 04/04/2019 12:29

Ex-Stalkee here. No, no, no to any idea of messaging this guy under any pretext. It goes against every piece of advice that has ever been given on dealing with these creepy, obsessive types. Some PP are right: women ARE conditioned to be 'nice', ever-polite and always to 'let them down gently'. It's this attitude that landed me with a two-year stalker who ended up making me fear for my life.

If he's been messaging you for months and you respond now, you just taught him it took X number of months to get a response from you. And then he'll escalate.

Block him with no explanation, lock down your social media profiles and if possible change your mobile number. Don't leave any chinks in your armour with people like this. As for treating them 'politely', that's a language they don't understand. There is only one appropriate response here, and that is silence.

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