To be a bit worried about my four year old?

[DizzyPhillips]

For background: She’s due to start school this summer. Goes to nursery three days a week and loves it. Has a little sister who is two. They do fight and snatch toys but generally they love each other.

The last few weeks she has suddenly become very highly strung. Quick to lose her temper and quick to tears. I’ve asked her lots of times what’s up, is something making her sad etc but she doesn’t really say much.

Nothing has changed in her life. I wondered if maybe she’s anxious about school but I’ve deliberately not been making a “thing” of it and she says she’s excited about it.

Is this a phase they go through? She’s suddenly like a tiny teenager. Storming off to her room in anger. Sobbing because her sister “stole” her sandwich (she didn’t even want it).

Snap! Exact same scenario in my household. Haven’t a clue what’s behind it but I’ve been reading ‘How to talk so little kids will listen’ and some of the techniques in there have been really helpful - basically lots of hugs, empathy and problem solving together ie ‘I know it’s very annoying when little sister takes your sandwich. What shall we do about it?’

I have been manically checking for signs of ear infection or other things that might make her cry, but have been thinking it’s school panic despite her saying she’s excited.

Yeah it’s completely normal! I have a five and two year old. 5 year old is very sensitive, two year old is much more robust !

My nearly 4 year old sounds pretty similar though no school yet as Scotland. I've been given a book called the whole brain child but not had a chance to read it as a day of mood swings leaves me pretty knackered.

Omg it was horrendous. The sandwich stealing incident was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. DH and I were shaking with the effort of not laughing. It was such a huge drama and DD1 was so upset. I felt terrible!!

My niece (5) is EXACTLY like this with her brother (2).

My son, who is an only, was also a tiny tearaway teenager at 4/5 years old (tail end of nursery/beginning reception).

I think it's an age thing, truly. The only thing I'd say is to keep enforcing boundaries, even though sometimes it feels like it's not worth it and you just want anything for an easy life. If you lose the boundaries, the behaviour gets worse.

I think they need to be able to let out their frustrations so kicking off about seemingly nothing is just an outlet for everything - and allowing them to do it at home and reacting appropriately is imo hugely important. My two are 10 and 12 and still do it at times. We just have rules that they can be angry/sad/shouty but no being unkind or swearing or breaking things. They need a safe outlet for it all.

There’s probably talk at nursery about going to school even if it’s not a big thing at home.

My 4.5 year old is the same - huge, screaming tantrums that come out of absolutely nowhere. I'm really hoping it's a short phase! I agree that 'How to talk so little kids will listen' is good. I've been using the techniques from here for a while with success, but at the moment I'm struggling to stick with it because I get really wound up.

Yep this is normal for my daughter. I think it’s normal and more often than not a symptom of being tired or possibly coming down with something like a cold.

My 4yo is like this too. She can be harder work then her baby sister at times.

This is making me feel better. I’m definitely going to buy that book

I note the point about enforcing boundaries but I feel bad being firm when she’s sobbing

Forget the terrible twos, the fucking fours and the tyrrannical twelves are far worse. Thankfully short-lived but having to deal with a banshee in school uniform came as a bit of a shock to the system, when she'd always been so compliant, articulate and reasonable. Same again aged 12-14. She's 21 now though, and is compliant, articulate and reasonable once again. Hopefully, that's it for her.

You don’t have to be firm when she’s sobbing - just let her sob and be patient and kind. Unless she’s hitting or something. Telling them to stop doesn’t help in my experience - does it help you if you’re angry and upset?

gokart my eldest has just turned 23. We like each other again - finally

I am always patient and kind. But a lot of the sobbing is a tantrum because she’s been told off eg for pushing her sister or throwing food or toys in a temper etc

Oh well I tend to ignore that kind of crying and throw in the occasional “would you like a cuddle/drink/what shall we have for tea/?” type question. They need to opportunity to back down (in my experience) without having to make a big thing of it.