AIBU to be worried about this.

[Yousicktwistedfruit]

Hi everyone I have named changed for this.

Me and my partner have been trying for a baby for over a year we finally decided to go to the doctors to get checked out because I have a family history of PCOS and endometriosis on my mums side including my sister. My 21 day bloods have come back fine but now I need to make an appoitment for an internal ultrasound and am shitting a brick about it I have no idea what it involves and am really worried that it will show up that I'm infertile and I'll never have a baby. I'm 29 and my parrtner is 26 so I know we have time on our side but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it all especially when my cousin and his partner have just announced that they are having a baby this year. Am also a bit frustated that everything falls to me to do I have to lose weight before we would be considered for fertility treatment and I have to quit smoking which I have been refered to the smoking cessation for but my partner has to do nothing but have his semen checked. Can anyone tell me what an internal ultrasound involves and if am being daft to be worried about any of it. Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong place I could just really do with some reasurance that it will all be ok.

@ZippyBungleandGeorge Thank you I have never thought about any of that my mum is type 2 diabetic and has to follow a special diabities diet I might ask her about it see if it will help me to lose some weight thank you you have given me something to think about. Oh thank you I will check that out if I do have PCOS it would be helpful to talk to people in the same boat. Oh thats interesting I get tired a lot so maybe changing my diet will help with that. I will increase my walking I have a 15 week old puppy who gets me out walking twice a day but it might be an idea to make her walks a bit longer than usual. I've never done a spin class that is something that I will look in to. I had no idea it was so cheap I thought the gym was expensive thats why I've never signed up to one. Awww bless him thank you for making me feel a bit better and making things seem a bit more postive. Doctors are a bit too quick to say it wont happen they have no idea what might happen in the future.

Yes our son was a miracle as we were told we would never get pregnant due to my husband's sample. His sperm didn't swim and were damaged. Apparently it only takes 1!

Wow. Just wow.

@ArnoldBee Congraulations that gives me so much hope. It really does only take one.

@SophiaLovesSummer what do you mean wow.

Some of the things that they are asking you to do will make it easier for you to become pregnant naturally but also they may be stuff that they ask you to do before they would give you fertility treatment.
PCOS and weight is an interesting one - being overweight increases PCOS problems but having PCOS makes you more likely to be overweight. Some doctors think that if you lose weight all your PCOS symptoms will go away so you won't need fertility treatment- I think it depends on the individual (I had PCOS and basically had very irregular periods/ovulation all my life - regardless of weight) - they basically make you get through a lot of hoops before they would give you fertility treatment

@CrumpetyTea yes I do understand thats why I have to do them just feels like its only me that has to do any of it and not my partner as well. I never know that about PCOS seems like a bit of a catch 22 when you have PCOS and weight. Yes I have been told that my BMI needs to be below 30 and that I need to quit smoking before I would be considered for any fertilty treatment if I need it. Feels like they just want to make having a baby a lot harder than it already is.

Yes I have been told that my BMI needs to be below 30 and that I need to quit smoking before I would be considered for any fertilty treatment if I need it. Feels like they just want to make having a baby a lot harder than it already is

Actually giving up smoking and losing weight so that you are not obese will make your more likely to conceive, thereby making it easier than it already is for you.

Of course there are no guarantees that it will mean you get pregnant, but you will be massively increasing your chances so you need to decide what you want more, a baby or a cigarette and being obese.

Oh and a man who says "I wont lose weight/give up smoking/whatever" in order to increase your chances, wont be a good father. He really wont.

@PyongyangKipperbang I realise that and I never said that I wasn't willing to do any of it to have a baby thats why I've been refered to quit smoking people and he knows that he needs to lose weight as well he did slimming world with me last year so he is willing to lose weight if he needs to and he's willing to quit smoking he already uses a vape.

Trying to get pregnant and not is one of the hardest things, especially when people around you are having babies.
An internal scan is one of many investigations you may have on this infertility journey. It will be really weird the first time you have one but the professionals do these all the time and don't find them weird at all. If you did go on to have fertility treatment, you have to have loads of them and you get used to it. There may be very little they can tell you about your fertility after a scan, so prepare yourself not to have any answers. So much if fertility is unexplained so even with a bunch more tests there may be no definitive medical reason found.

It is tough that the woman bears the brunt of the investigations and treatment but unfortunately that's just the nature of the beast being as we have to carry the baby. It will be the same during pregnancy, but then the focus will be entirely on you. If you were someone who needed ivf then again that's pretty much entirely on you and it's really invasive and intensive. It might help to try to let go of the feelings of unfairness now as this is likely to be a situation that continues until such a point as you have a child who isn't inside your body.

With regards to weight and smoking there is a very high chance that these could be massive (the?) factors in why you're not conceiving (for both of you). You might not have anything else going on, it could entirely be down to lifestyle factors. I know that might not be what you want to hear and it sounds a bit harsh but I've been there myself so I do understand.
And if you do have PCOS then being overweight makes it worse as above poster said. So it's a win win.

It's right that nhs fertility treatment is only provided to people who are under a certain BMI and not smoking as it's really expensive and these factors are consistently shown to reduce success rates so it would be irresponsible of the nhs to refer you for treatment if it was much less likely to work. I'm not sure about all areas but everywhere I've been or heard about they are very strict on these things. They do tests to see if you've been smoking and weigh you, they won't just take your word for it :)

Losing weight and quitting smoking will make it more likely that you get pregnant anyway. And it's not really on for your partner to just say he's happy the way he is - if he loses weight that will increase your chances too. Quitting alcohol and smoking and any drugs will also improve his sperm quality.

Make sure your partner understands that this is a joint effort. For you to have the best possible chance at getting pregnant you both need to be committed to a healthy lifestyle.

@RubyBoots7 thank you that was extremely helpful and I know I will have to get use to all this it’s just so hard at the minute and feels like I’m the only one who has to jump through any hoops in order for us to have a baby. Your right it does really feel like everyone else around me is getting pregnant and it’s like a constant kick in the stomach and a reminder that they can do something that I can’t it really makes me wonder what they are doing that I’m not I’ve tried everything under the sun and none of it has helped. I didn’t realise they would check to make sure I was telling the truth about not smoking. I have my appointment for the ultrasound 20th April I just hope that it’s a lot less uncomfortable than a smear test. I have time to prepare myself for possibly walking out of there without an answer.

@PregnantSea thank you I will be telling him that because at the minute it feels like all a me effort and he has nothing to do. He very rarely drinks I don’t drink at all but I will be asking him to have a healthier lifestyle along with me he says it’s harder for him because he’s a chef so he spends all day surrounded by food am wondering if maybe that’s the problem he works really long hours in a boiling hot kitchen all day stood in front of an oven could that have any sort of effect on his sperm.

I too would be somewhat concerned about having a baby with a man displaying the attitudes your husband is at the moment. I really would.

@ImFreeToDoWhatIWant I spoke to him about his attitude to all of this and how he makes a joke out of everything and he said he’s scared about the semen analysis and what it’s going to say that makes 2 of us but he’s using jokes to try and hide the fact that he’s scared. Don’t know how to help him.

feels like I’m the only one who has to jump through any hoops in order for us to have a baby

To be honest if you feel like that now wait until you are pregnant and your partners life pretty much carries on as normal while you’re potentially vomiting all day/cant stomach any food except toast/you can’t walk far without your hips/pelvis being in agony etc. Unfortunately it is the woman who has to make the vast majority of changes when having a baby.

I have no chance of getting him to wear boxers he never does
I will explain to him why he needs to wear boxers he wears them when he's in work
Um...which?

@Yousicktwistedfruit Being nervous and defensive is understandable, but his underlying attitude from your initial posts seems to be more that he isn't completely committed to supporting the process nor two of you as a couple. That is troubling. He should be thinking along the lines of "I'm scared yes, but I love my wife and I really want a baby together. I'll do whatever it takes". I'm not getting that so far.

@SoyDora I know that’s going be to hard but worth it to have a baby at the end of it but it will all be on me and not him he has one job and I get the rest of it for 9 months.

@cardibach he only ever wears boxers when he’s in work when he’s at home he refuses to wear them in his own words he needs to find ones that fit and are comfortable so I don’t rate my chances very highly to get him to wear them all the time and not just for work.

@ImFreeToDoWhatIWant it does sound like that and he is committed to the idea he just doesn’t want to do anything like slimming world again because it took him so long to lose any weight and I lost it faster than him. I think his mind is on other things at the minute we have a lot going on with his family but they are a whole other thread but I think the stress of all this possible fertility treatment and his family isn’t helping with having a baby and he works really long hours so we hardly ever get to see each other. I will have to speak to him and makesure that he is on the same page as me because if he’s not then we can wait to have a baby. He’s of the mind of it will happen when it’s suppose to which is the same as what my mum says it will happen for us but not until it’s suppose to think he’s kist burying his head in the sand a bit too much and am trying to be serious about it all and think about the options that we will have Incase we need to go down the road of fertitly treatment.