AIBU to think she shouldn't have got pregnant?

[loolabec]

My brother-in-law is a recovering heroin addict. His girlfriend a recovering alcoholic. She has a 9 yr old DD from a previous relationship, who has lived with her Dad for about a year. The girlfriend has been living in America with her Mum for the past six months or so and visiting my brother-in-law for a few weeks at a time, in his parents home, where he lives and has lived for the past 16 months. He is 34, she is late thirties I think. They met at a rehab centre early last year. There have been several relapses since then but they've probably both been clean for just over six months, after several years of abuse. Both had to leave their jobs. They do not have their own homes - they left their rental places when things fell apart, as I say, they are living with my parents-in-law. Last summer, the girlfriend had a miscarriage. I couldn't believe she had got pregnant (it was planned) in the first place and even though I don't now her well, I felt angry with her. As my brother-in-law was, at the time, totally out of it on heroin and his girlfriend had only recently been in hospital after drinking herself close to death, the miscarriage seemed like a blessing in disguise for everyone and I hate to say this - including the child. She's now pregnant again. Both me and DH feel shocked and sad - not how you expect to feel when you are told that a family member is going to have a baby. But I feel scared for the baby and wondering what's going to happen - and what the consequences will be for the entire family. Surely 6 months clean for two parents who are serial substance abusers isn't enough time to start family planning? The thing is, they are both lovely people, really they are. But they haven't got their lives back on track at all yet. The plan at the moment apparently is that they, and the baby, will live with my in-laws. I am totally incredulous that my in-laws seem OK about the whole thing. Do people just think that babies fix everything? And what's harder is no one is talking about it. It's an extremely middle class family where things like this are not openly discussed, everyone just "Gets on with it". The thing is, my in-laws have already bailed out my brother-in-law to the tune of £30K or more for drug and gambling debts. I'm sure they'll end up looking after the baby. Their problem, you might think, but these things affect entire families. I find it hard to just tell myself it's their problem and not think about it. Anyway, I can't talk to anyone in the family about this, hence the post. AIBU to be worried?

They'll certainly want to be satisfied that their support network would act appropriately though if either were to start using again. If it was my case I'd want to know what treatment/support they've previously had/having as well as the plan for when the baby arrives- I.e, speaking with the in laws to ascertain whether they realise what role they would have. However, if this is a family arrangement and its deemed to be safe then you're right, it's likely that it would only be monitored by health.

@Mummabear12345567889 It is good to know that there will be another outside authority taking a look at this in some way - perhaps I can say to my in laws that they need to better understand their role because of the possible involvement of social services.. that might be one helpful thing I can do - because I don't think they do understand it - I just think they are as usual blindly doing what they think is best without fully thinking through the consequences of them effectively being parents all over again to my BIL and his girlfriend and the baby. It doesn't seem sustainable

If she's late 30s it's probably her last opportunity to have another child. No, it's not a good situation, but it's done now. If the in-laws end up looking after the baby, then no doubt they'll do their best for him/her.

I think it's definitely worth the discussion with them. The midwife and then health visitor should monitor this if social work aren't involved. I suppose it would also depend on how honest both parents are in relation to their substance use as well in terms of how much information services will get.

Try not to see your in laws as enabling but as being the constant, responsible, drug free adults that are there for this baby. The whole time reading this I was thinking at least the addicts aren't living alone with this baby....

@Russell19 Good viewpoint - yes, that would be far worse

Your ILs are trying to do the best thing possible for this child, from my perspective. If she is unable to care for the baby, he/she will be apprehended and may be placed in the foster system. (If your BIL and his GF do not surrender their parental rights, the child may be in the foster system for a long time. Less than half of children in foster care are available for adoption as their parents have not surrendered their rights, for any number of reasons.)

Realistically, how your ILs spend their money and how much support they give to your BIL and his GF is not your concern, assuming that your ILs are competent to make decisions. It's their choice.

Doesn’t your BIL have any responsibility to take for her pregnancy?

Ah OP, I really feel for your family. We have a very similar situation, except it is my SIL who fell pregnant whilst in jail to a man nearly 15 years her junior who is an actual gun-toting gang member. She got pregnant when my in-laws said she had to find somewhere else to live after she was released from prison as she was robbing them blind. Baby is 6 months now, SIL lives with PIL, has been diagnosed with postpartum psychosis and it is all a complete shit show. There is little we or anyone else can do. I expect they will scrape along, nothing being reported to SS because PIL are afraid that baby will be taken away until it all completely blows up and/or someone gets seriously hurt. It's awful to watch and I confess that DH and I have made a choice to quietly step away as much as possible for the sake of our own mental health and keep our kids as far out of it as possible. We will support the baby as much as we are able, including taking him in if it comes to it, but for now we just have to watch the wreck. Your anger and judgement are completely understandable. Try to let it go if you can and accept that you can't change anything. I hope for all of you that they can stay sober and sort themselves out.

It doesn't sound ideal at all but she's already pregnant now so... What can you do other than hope for the best?

Also maybe the kid will be the making of them? Give them a reason to stay clean. I come from a family/network of substance abusers (I didn't seem to inherit the gene thank god) and I've seen it go both ways. There are times when a pregnancy gives them a kick up the arse to get their shit together. The are times when it doesn't which is extremely sad but you cross that bridge if and when you come to it. Don't just wait for the worst to happen, hope for the best.

I think you're being a little naive to blame "enabling" of their parents for the pregnancy. Have you tried putting yourself in their shoes?

It's common for people to struggle with substance misuse because of trauma, and for that in turn to create more trauma in their lives (whether or not they had any to start with). And just because they have such severe difficulties of their own doesn't mean they don't find themselves with the same human longing to have a child, just like anybody else.

Do you not think it's understandable that someone who had suffered the loss they did with the earlier miscarriage would try again to get pregnant? Is that not a common reaction? Just because you were relieved they lost the baby, doesn't mean it wasn't an even greater source of grief and pain in their lives for them. If you're left feeling there is this void inside you, it's natural to try and fill it.

They just sound like people trying their best to cope with pain and difficulties. Yes, of course, it's worrying and could all go wrong, and it's important to know what you can do if concerns arise, but starting from a place of compassion and understanding will get you further in terms of being able to have a positive impact.

Judgement and condemnation won't help. Whether or not they are able to meet this future child's needs is a separate issue from viewing them as humans too, who also deserve help and compassion.

Or do you think that women who have had a child forcibly removed should not be helped and supported to change the circumstances that led to that happening and to heal from the trauma of losing their child - rather than being left in the same position, struggling with that incredible loss and still longing to have their own child so much they have more children that will also be taken away without any attempt to change the underlying issues, causing those women even greater trauma and devastation in the process?

I know which side I fall on.