Family Funeral **contains details of child sexual abuse** [edited by MNHQ]

[Weemovitchski]

NC as first post and could be outing...

Okay - stay with me... When I was between 6 and 10 years old, my uncle used to masturbate against me by lying on top of me or 'cuddling me too hard'. I told my parents about this when I was 18, had left home and was sexually active so I knew then what he was doing. Parents decided to keep it to themselves so as not to upset my mother's sister and their three children. My mother even though she believed me told me that i 'had spoiled things for them now' and never spoke of it again.

Fast forward fifty years - I told my cousin (who is a professional hypnotherapist/counsellor) who is aware that I have had 'mental health issues' (not mad, but prone to depression and drinking too much) that it was in fact her father that had abused me... Her reaction and that of some other cousins was to block me on Facebook.

Five years on another older cousin has died and I don't know if I should go to the funeral. I don't know how they feel towards me, if they consider me a liar or being warped. I would be attending with my 81 year old widowed father. Should I feel shame or should I bloody well go? My father would support me 100% and I think is ashamed of himself for not confronting the uncle at the time, whom he continued to socialise with. The bad uncle died 10 years ago. My father has since told me that at another family function about thirty years ago, he felt physically sick when my uncle sat my toddler daughter on his knee.

I don't want to add any distress or drama to a bereavement. But something in me wants to stand up for the 7 year old girl in with such a dreadful secret.

WWYD?

You don't need to pay your respects to someone who upon learning you were abused, turned their back on you.

You don't need to see or be with the others that turned their backs on you.

Quite simply they don't believe you or don't want to believe you and you will not change their minds.

Your time is precious, don't spend it living in the past and in the company if those that despise you, even if they are in the wrong.

To be clear, my cousin that has died was a lovely, wonderful woman and I have never had a problem with her.

Oh sorry, I read it wrong.

OK, I still wouldn't go as the others will be there ans could gang up on you and cause you more stress and anxiety. If any words are said, your father is elderly and that will be awful for him as well as you.

You can pay your respects to her grave or if they have a book of remembrance you can make an entry at a later date.

How awful - I'm sorry to hear about the abuse you experienced and the dreadful response from your family members.
If you were close to this cousin and want to attend then go. Who gives a flying fuck about the thoughts of people who behaved so badly.

I actually really disagree with the above. Funerals are a cultural passage, the way we mark the end of someones life. Why should you sacrifice your opportunity to take part. You've done nothing wrong. Go with your head held high but know that there may be whispers or worse. Leave after yer service if you don't want to attend the rest.

I'd go given the deceased was not involved in the appalling behaviour of the other cousins. I wouldn't sympathise with them though. Stick with your dad, pay your respects and walk away with your head held high.

Go. Go for your cousin who has died and your father who you want to support. I might not stay for the wake, unless there's someone you particularly want to speak to, though.

If you want to go you should go. Why on earth did that man have access to your daughter??!

I think this needs a trigger warning op. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

If you want to go then go , don’t be stopped by worrying about what other people think . That said why on earth was your daughter allowed to socialise with the offending uncle

Go, with your head held high. Don't skulk at the back, you have done nothing wrong. You have as much right as anyone to attend, and would be genuinely going to pay your respects to your late cousin.
I would skip the funeral tea though. That would be very unlikely to end well.

Go for your cousin and hold your head high. Leave at the end of the service.

It sickens me how families turn against the abused.
I was too and I was sent away, I was never part of the family again.
I don't understand this attitude, the abuser should be shunned but that doesn't happen.
You should do whatever you want to do.
It all makes me angry beyond belief.

Hi all,

We're just going to add a small warning to the title so that people know what they'll be reading about.

, OP.

I wouldn’t go, because you don’t deserve to be “confronted” or anything by them.

I’m confused though, how did he have access to your toddler??

Sorry people! I am new to this and didn't understand the 'trigger warning' protocol. I truly appreciate all points of view. I am now 58 (don't tell me to go to the darkside (GN) as I'm not one! But I am stronger than ever. Although my dad is 81 he is not at all frail. He is busy looking after the 'old people' he helps out with at a luncheon club!!

Re. Access to my daughter - it was a huge family wedding, everyone was there - it was a big room and he picked my daughter up and put her on his lap in public. I didn't see it happen. Her grandfather went in, fast and furious style!

I think as your relationship with your cousin was good then go and support your father.
Some mothers have very odd attitudes to their daughters mine did when I told her about being sexually abused by a family 'friend'
Just ignore the ones who blocked you and try not to give them any more head space.
Those posters who are jumping in asking why the op her daughter be in the same company as the abuser, just take a moment and realise that other people have different experiences. Op knows the circumstances and I don't think a verbal bashing is what is needed here
I hope the day is ok for you op

Should say let her daughter.

Am I understanding it right that you told the daughter of your abuser that he had abused you, and then she blocked you? I actually think this would have been a really difficult situation for her. Perhaps they couldn't handle the situation themselves. You mention she was a Counsellor, are you thinking she should have helped you? I think this would have been against good practice.

Tabbymumz, yes I told her when she suggested I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Was I wrong to tell? Possibly. But if someone said that my father had done this I would ask some serious questions, not dismiss them outright. I just wonder if I was the only one. Maybe it happened to her or others. Secrets will out. It's done.

I think everyone reacts differently to hearing this sort of thing, especially if it's about your Father. Perhaps she already knew about his behaviour and couldn't cope with hearing about it again. Perhaps she was ashamed, perhaps he even did it to her and it brought back terrible memories that she couldn't cope with. You really don't know why she blocked you. Perhaps she'd just had enough of fb.You've clearly had an absolutely awful experience, but it's not her fault her Father did these awful things to you.

Paedophilia is so vile that it creates these toxic, difficult relationships as people don't know how to deal with it or handle being told about it. You've survived and be proud of that, go to the funeral and support your father.

I am one of four sisters myself and another were abused by F but not the oldest two. When they had children we told them about our abuse so they could keep their own children safe. Years later parents are becoming frail and I am low contact with them, moved a long way away. I reminded other sisters of reasons why and they had forgotten about it! Maybe they never believed us I don't know.

I’m sorry for what you have gone through. My advice would be to live life how you want to. He has taken enough from you - you poor thing are now debating about whether to go to a funeral with your dad or not because of it. You decide what’s best for you - hold your head high and crack on.

Do you actually want to go to the funeral? Do you feel you want to pay your respects and say goodbye? I think this is the only real question you have to ask here. If you really want to go then absolutely go, sod what your other relatives think. Don't sit near them and tell them to piss off if they try and start something. Funerals are open. But if you are just thinking of going to "show face" and you don't feel too strongly about it on a personal level then I wouldn't bother. Not worth the hassle.