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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am innocent but I am horrified if social services will take my boy away from me

25 replies

Armenianmom · 02/04/2019 16:55

Hello everyone
I have been married to my husband for 9years. We have got 9 years old son. My marriage wasn’t happy one. He always was verbally abusing me. In January i have learned he is cheating on my and i wanted to get divorced,but I couldn’t do so as I haven’t got money, job, family only my son. So i went to school sicking for help and the have reported this to social services. At that time I received a phone call from SS about they concern regarding my son. I have managed to keep them away from my house and contacting my husband.

But last week my husband accidentally hinted my nose so when i went to my physiotherapy the therapist asked me what’s wrong with my nose so i told her what happened. She reported it to SS and yesterday i had a phone call from same social worker saying that this is second time in 4 months and he have to come and meet me, my son and my husband. He is COMING TOMORROW MORNING at 9 am. Friend of mine told me that they can take my boy away from me even if i am innocent.

What should i do? How dangerous is my situation and how do i keep my son.

OP posts:

Bunnybigears · 02/04/2019 16:57

Call the social worker before they come tomorrow and tell them you want to divorce your husband but need help. Ask them to meet with you without him present.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 02/04/2019 16:59

Its not dangerous if you are want to leave you husband. It could help you get the help you need to leave.

TeddyIsaHe · 02/04/2019 16:59

They’re not going to take your ds away. They will want to support you and help you get away from an absuive man, and help you put steps in place to protect your son from seeing/hearing domestic abuse.

Be honest with them and work with them. You need to get away from your husband, as that will be the biggest worry. But there are charities and groups that can help you.

Speak to Women’s Aid today to get the ball rolling and so you can show you know how serious the situation is and that you are taking steps to protect your child.

SpeedyBojangles · 02/04/2019 17:00

I'm sorry I don't have any advice about social services but it sounds like they want to make sure your son is safe. Your husband is verbally abusive to you and has physically hurt you (accidental or not). They will want to ascertain whether he is a threat to your son.

Please do not stay with him. Contact Women's aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Kko1986 · 02/04/2019 17:02

From what I could understand he did something to you hurting your nose?
Forget money get the he'll out.
If you leave him he won't be classed as in danger if u stay he may be taken away if he is classed as in a dangerous situation so go leave take your son and work with social services

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 02/04/2019 17:04

How dangerous is my situation and how do i keep my son.

You need to leave. You are in a violent relationship and your son is witnessing you being hit by your partner. You don't need to be frightened of Social Services but you do need to work with them. If you stay in the same house with your violent partner there will be a chance they could remove him. It wont be immediately unless they feel there is a very real risk to him but if you don't engage then that is what could happen. They are quite rightly only concerned with your son and what is in his best interests and being around violence and domestic abuse is obviously a very dangerous situation for him.

I would also suggest looking at getting support to move into a women's shelter. He is clearly dangerous to be around you need to put your son and yourself first and leave before he does anything else.

PickAChew · 02/04/2019 17:04

Not much of a friend. Ignore their scaremongering and try to talk to SS without your husband present and tell them that you want to escape but have no idea how you will manage it, so need support.

Purplegecko · 02/04/2019 17:04

I was in a DA relationship and social got involved after someone anonymously reported they were concerned about me and my toddler. The police came round too. They helped me get a non-molestation order so he can't come near me, made sure I was safe and had I not lived separately to him they'd have sorted me a refuge, they offered before I interjected and said we didn't live together. They will not take your child they want to keep you both safe.

Mrsjayy · 02/04/2019 17:05

Contact SS say you are in an abusive marraige and they must not come to your house you are planning on leaving your husband can you meet elsewhere they do need to see your son is safe nobody is going to drag him away.

Nat6999 · 02/04/2019 17:05

Social services will help you get a non molestation order to make your husband stay away from you. Make an appointment with a solicitor before they come to prove you are serious about getting rid of him. They won't take your son away from you, you need to let them help you.

BlueMerchant · 02/04/2019 17:06

They will be coming to assess your child's safety and welfare. They need to see he is safe and that you are putting his well-being above all else. If they can see you are a loving mother who is caring well for her child and keeping them safe in a safe environment then they wouldn't have a need to remove him from you.

Mrsjayy · 02/04/2019 17:08

The school had a duty of care to report the situation in the first place as did the phsyio

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 02/04/2019 17:09

What help were you expecting from the school in the first place? Didn’t you realise what the outcome would be regarding safeguarding your child?

Original poster

Armenianmom · 02/04/2019 17:49

Thanks everyone its is good to know i am not on my own.

Firstly i have already told SW that I will meet him on my own without my husband knowing what do i do. Secondly i have already told him that i need help( he said that they deal only with children) and i am worried about my son’s school, as he does amazing progress and he don’t want to go to different school and no do i. He settled at this school and he wants to go to grammar school and then to university.

I have to say i have been in few refugees and that wasn’t a pleasant experience( rats and cockroaches size of cat, swearing on me by my key worker, overcharging on rent, prostitutes living in the same house and putting other residents to danger).

OP posts:

Original poster

Armenianmom · 02/04/2019 17:50

No I didn’t know what that would come out like. All i wanted to ask advice and to know what if my husband would come and take my son.

OP posts:

kassiopi89 · 02/04/2019 18:08

I am a foster carer and so have much experience of children's services and children taken into care. Over the years I have learnt two things:

Children are so often taken into care because one parent did not protect their child against the other abusive parent/step parent. OP, you are protecting your child by asking for help.

Children will not be taken into care if the parents work with children's services and always do as they recommend.

I know how nervous you must feel, OP, but really follow the above advice and you will be just fine. I wish you and your son good luck.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/04/2019 18:17

Tell the SW that you want to protect your child and ask for help and advice. Do everything they tell you. Have you spoken to your council about getting accommodation for yourself and your son so you can leave?
This must be very frightening for you, but nobody is going to snatch your son. Just try to stay calm and remember that they want to help.

Original poster

Armenianmom · 02/04/2019 18:38

Yes i have aske for accommodation but they saying that i have to go anywhere they’ll send me. And after that i will be entitle for private renting BUT

I don’t want move out of this area because of my son’s school. I know you’d say schools are the same everywhere. But here he is provided with tutor who helps him with his 11+ coming soon,

If i will have to ruin my son’s routine, friendship and relations with his grandparents( from his father’s side, as I have got no one ) i have to make sure that we wont be petted down as it happened before and i had to have to come back to my husband.

Also if SW will ask me sign a paperwork( in which it says that i am aware that they can take my son away from me) and then i wont be able to do anything as i have signed it

OP posts:

Echobelly · 02/04/2019 18:48

Despite what the media puts out, the vast majority of interactions with social services do not involve any intention to 'take children away'. They are primarily there to help parents, not to split up families the minute something goes wrong. Good luck with everything, I am sorry you are in such a hard place right now.

FenellaVelour · 02/04/2019 18:54

They won’t ask you to sign paperwork which means they can take your son.

Sometimes children are removed temporarily while parents get things sorted or if respite is needed (section 20) but parents must actively consent to this. Nobody can force you to sign anything. Also section 20 agreements are short term (or legally should be).

It sounds like you’ve been in a violent relationship or relationships for some time. You cannot keep exposing your child to this violence. It will harm him, and that’s what the social worker will be concerned with. But they will want to support you to change things and make sure that life gets better for you and your son. If you work with them, and let them help you protect your son from violence, it’s absolutely the best thing to do for both of you.

SexNotJenga · 02/04/2019 18:56

SW and you are in the same side: you all want what's best for your ds.

Be straight with them, follow their instructions.

If there is no choice about accommodation, then there isn't a choice. They are working with limited resources.

Your ds would not be taken away unless it was clear that he was at risk of significant harm and that neither of his parents were willing or able to keep him safe. That decision would be taken by a judge in court (not the SW), it is nothing to do with whether or not you have signed any thing.

PumpkinPie2016 · 02/04/2019 18:58

It sounds hard OP and I know you don't want your son to move schools but get the list of options of accommodation first - it may be that it is close enough to get a bus.

The priority above all else is the safety of you and your son and that may mean initially living in a refuge - not all are bad, I know someone who was in one and it was fine - not perfect but she had no issues.

SexNotJenga · 02/04/2019 19:00

SW wouldn't want your ds to move school either. It's highly likely they would facilitate transport for your ds if need be.

SmallFastPenguin · 02/04/2019 19:08

Your thinking on this is all wrong OP. You are worrying about things like schools and so on when it is a lot more important to be safe away from your abusive husband. If that means a short time in an unpleasant refuge where people might be mean to you, its still better than being punched in the nose and exposing your ds to that terrible example of relationships. If it comes to having to change school you may get a good school but if you didnt, your ds would be better off in a less good school with a happy, safe homelife with you.

JaneEyre07 · 02/04/2019 19:08

OP your son's schooling and 11+ does not take priority over his and your physical safety. You're getting this very wrong here.

You need to engage here and show that your priority is his well-being. I'd rather be in a cockroach laden refuge than living in a nice house with someone breaking my nose on a regular basis.

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