Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Be kind.

Be kind.

Always good advice. But that does not extend to rearranging your life to provide care for people you don’t have much of a relationship with.

I’ve said a couple of times on here that I would never leave anyone, human or animal, in harm’s way, or in serious pain if it was within my capabilities to prevent it. If my in-laws were somewhere I thought they were unsafe or I needed to advocate for them in some way, I would do that. But that does not mean driving grandad to hospital, when he clearly has the means to get there himself by taxi or to pay a carer.

There’s a limit to how much emotion and kindness you can pour into a relationship when you’ve been repeatedly rejected before, until they need you to make their journey to hospital a little less expensive and inconvenient.

@Dontsweatthelittlestuff and others, I think the reality you have and where I grew up as just a bit different. All this bowling and ice-cream stuff, friends round etc.... I didn’t have friends round. We hung out in the park. I think this was very normal. School, I got excellent grades but I bunked off huge amounts. I wasn’t unhappy, I was pretty self-sufficient and roamed free happily.... but I think some of you imagine a lot more than most had. I looked after siblings a lot, I earned money from 13 and facilitated my own wants mainly. I didn’t grow up with holidays. I see all this as a more modern thing in general, I do for my kids, but most of my friends were more free-roaming like I was. There wasn’t this notion of monitoring things like school work so heavily etc. We ran pretty wild if not helping with siblings/ housework etc. I remember for example picking siblings up from school through high school, which was quite normal, then doing a quick tea as mum worked.

I’m not saying this as I’m unhappy or resentful, I just find it bemusing the scenarios being drawn up.

I don’t hate them either, in many ways my independence did me great for work and life skills and I’ve done well for myself.

I’m stunned quite how this blew up. I’m more voicing the nagging voice in my head, drawing a bit of a line. I don’t hate them, we have relationships as adults that means I can go for a drink with them or chat ok. I’m just being honest and saying there is a bit of bubbling resentment, and a line. It’s not over-whelming it all... but I can see it where it’s going. You know when you say a niggling voice aloud? Maybe I surprise myself, as I did once imagine the extended living in one house and helping and I realised my mind changed.

Regarding inheritance, it’s obviously nice to have money but I have the house for my children and I’ve been lucky in financial choices. I’m stable enough, though careful and not frivolous. It’ll come at an age where I’m not reliant on it, if it comes, and it’s not my money. I’m not stressed over it. It’s not something that actually changes how I act

Thanks for everyone who took time to reply:
I’m sorry for those upset by strong emotions of extreme scenarios.

Kindness is greatly overrated. «Be kind» is a form of emotional blackmail.

@Keeg that sounds like a very normal upbringing to me, similar to mine and lots of my childhood friends. What was different for me was that my parents always strived to be fair and we saw and loved seeing extended family. When they became grandparents they had nearly retired and helped each of their children with love and support. All 4 of us ended up back home with children for 4 different reasons.

Kindness is greatly overrated. «Be kind» is a form of emotional blackmail
I think we've agreed on this before maria

I understand how you are feeling. Perhaps look at it this way...they brought you up and looked after you and I hope were loving parents. Regardless of the lack of support you felt they gave you when you had children...does this make you feel any different?

Kindness is the most important thing in the world.
Above all, you get givers and takers. The ops parents are takers and she sounds like a giver, otherwise she wouldn't be on here feeling bad about her problem.

they brought you up and looked after you

As lovely as your sentiments are crimson, parents are legally required to look after their children till they reach adulthood. To me, there are no prizes for doing the bare minimum 🤷‍♀️.

It sounds as if the op isn’t exactly disowning her parents either. She just isn’t prepared to become their carer, which I think is completely fair enough.

My mother was an only child, her mother had her late, especially for the 1950s, she was never a supportive mother. My granddad helped a lot, picked my brother up from nursery so that my mum could work, supported and helped when he could. My nan looked after us by herself once our whole childhood for about an hour and had no idea what to do with us. When they called in to visit my granddad would be happy spending time with us but my nan always wanted to get home.

When I was 15 I had to go into hospital for a major operation, I was going to be on the table for hours. My mum asked her mum to come and sit with her so she had someone to support her, this was the only time she asked her for anything as an adult. My nan refused, because her sister was visiting for the week and obviously couldn't be left to get on with things by herself for a day.

My nan is now in her 90s and widowed, she expects my mum to run around after her and deal with everything, my mum helps out of guilt but resents every moment of it. My nan doesn't acknowledge the help, isn't in any way grateful and insists that she does everything herself. It is a horrible situation, we all beg my mum to cut down on the things she does to help, because it is making neither of them happy.

they brought you up and looked after you Do parents really expect payback for this? Kid owe you nothing - you chose to have them, it's your job that you chose as a parent and if you wanted payback maybe you should have remained child free..

It isn't a tit for tat. it is that some people understand the concept of family and caring and some don't. You can't run with the hare and hunt with the hound - you are either "we're all on our own" or "we're all in this together" Expecting your children to accept "you are on your own" when they need you while giving "we're all in this together" when you need them is utterly utterly selfish and likely to end in disaster.

So well put pallisers

I would hate to ruin my DC's lives by being dependent on them, even if they do it out of love not duty. I would rather go to Dignitas (and make sure their inheritance isn't used up by care home fees).

You're too busy to help/give lifts etc. Sorry and all that. If you're genuinely available and happy to help then do it. If you're busy, don't rearrange everything. Just say sorry. They're going to feel entitled whatever you do - and btw, you will NEVER be able to be there enough for them. Don't imagine you're going to come out of this with dosh either - they're the type who will leave their house to a local charity. Look after yourself and your kids. Spending time with grandkids isn't supposed to be a chore, but they plainly felt no great encumberance of familial warmth. Sod them.

Will posters stop predicting what the OP's parents will do?

The OP has the option of speaking to her undeniably solipsistic parents about they way they have behaved.

Well then op you have your answer.

Stick to the niceties of drinks and chats every now and then, and that is far as you are prepared to go. You can absolutely keep things civilised and friendly but on your terms.

Stick to the distant but civilised relationship, and hold firm when their health hits the buffers as is very likely. They have plenty of money, resources and options that do not include tipping your life upside down for years and years. Remain busy with work and kids and unable to do lifts etc, and never deviate unless they are seriously ill, once you have committed to doing it once I am pretty seize on that to continue.

I would just let them figure it out themselves! No sympathy from me. You are not being unreasonable at all.

@cassgate you sound pretty cold and heartless. Why on earth would you have already told your teenagers that? It’s so odd.

Mine are dead now but equally useless as yours and I wouldn’t touch helping them out right now with a shitty stick esp whilst there’s options they’ve been selfish and entitled and as they become more old frail social isolated and unable to a decent quality of life they’ll be absolute nightmares for you a lot of that will be unavoidable for you so for now make hay

I have worries that I will be expected to assist my mother when she needs it. She's currently in her 60's. I don't want to do anything to help her, don't want to financially support her and never want to have any interaction with her.

The reason is she abandoned me as a baby for the sake of money and a man. She's treated me badly for many years as a small child on the odd occasion I saw her and then in later life tried to take my children from me.

I haven't lived with her since I was less than two. Would I still be thought awful for not helping as it's not tit for tat etc ?

Would I still be thought awful for not helping

Oh my god NO! You would not. And I swear to god if anyone tells you to “be kind” 🤦‍♀️.

Sorry you suffered that treatment. Stay strong and keep a safe distance .

Sorry, but your seriously, holier than thou post, when you state yourself that you are one of the lucky ones who has had support from gps really grinds my gears

Oh wow. You know nothing of my life, the support I have had/not had, what I have to be grateful for (which is considerable but balanced by some difficulties here and there) or indeed, what I am currently having to deal with when it comes to an elderly parent. The posts which include 'I would go to dignitas and not spend my children's inheritence' or 'I wouldn't burden my children' have no real clue as to the difficulties that may lie ahead. You don't get to go to dignitas when your mind's gone. And the speed with which your mind goes can be oh so very fast. You don't get to live alone when that happens and the inheritence is blown in care home fees (because I know my limits and I'm not caring for my dementia-ridden mother). Equally, it is easy to say in the prime of health 'I won't be a burden' but realise as
you age that you very much want to continue to live your life as long as you can. There is sod all santimonious about making regular visits, including a grandparent in wider family activities and making sure they are as comfortable as possible whilst waiting to die. It's basic dignity and respect. You don't have to have been close, or to have had childcare or money in return to manage that.

There is sod all santimonious about making regular visits, including a grandparent in wider family activities and making sure they are as comfortable as possible whilst waiting to die. It's basic dignity and respect.

I think you’ve misread the op, in your haste to prove how superior you are with your “be careful what example you’re showing your children” sanctimonious RHETORIC. There is nothing sanctimonious about your actions. The op hasn’t said she will not show them “basic dignity and respect”. Just that she does not wish to rearrange her life to accommodate their care, when they have other options.

We are not talking about depriving them of basic dignity. We are saying do not upend your life to be their carer. The example she has given is asking them to take a taxi to the hospital instead of her giving them lifts. It’s hardly depriving them of their dignity.

So oh wow back. It’s not as dramatic in the op’s case as you are making out and your initial post was actually really unhelpful and unpleasant in the circumstances.

You have no idea what the op’s parents were like and some people on here have described some really difficult upbringings. Your response? “Careful now, or your dcs will do the same to you nerr nerr nerr”.

Sorry about your parents though. Alzheimer’s sucks .

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