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Original poster

Is this reasonable or cheeky?

80 replies

Ivy44 · 01/04/2019 17:48

I’ve had an odd message from DSDs mother and I’m wondering if she’s being reasonable or a bit cheeky...

My partner and I have one child together and he also has a child from a previous relationship who stays with us a couple of nights a week. DSDs mother also has a 12 year old son who’s father lives abroad. My partner pays child maintenance and he also buys school shoes, uniform, sports equipment, pays for school trips.

DSDbis a lovely little girl who enjoys going shopping. At Christmas I took her shopping to choose an outfit as a gift - she chose a hoodie and jeans from Gap. For her birthday she chose some pink Adidas trainers. The only other thing I’ve bought her is some hair clips, as a thank you for helping me choose a birthday gift for my niece who is about the same age.

I received a message from her mother last night saying could I stop buying DSD expensive gifts and send the money to her instead. That way she can decide what the money is spent on and she can ensure that the older son also gets something as he feels left out. Is this reasonable or a bit cheeky? I don’t think she gets any maintenance for the older son as his Dad lives abroad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivy44 · 01/04/2019 20:31

I think one of the issues is that DSD’s mum refuses to let my partner see her elder son (and he has no legal right to see him) and therefore I’ve never met him. If DSD’s mum hadn’t made that decision then we would be more likely to treat him as a member of the family.

OP posts:
wildbhoysmama · 01/04/2019 20:48

OP it sounds like a difficult situation for all. I have 2 DS with my ex husband- they live with me and DH, having 2 nights with their dad- and a DS with my DH. My older boys have a grandma very active in their life ( visits/ presents/ days out/ holidays) but my DH has lost both of his parents so younger DS doesnt have any of this. The older two also have 2 sets of holidays as they go with their dad too ( we're away this week all together and they're away next week with their dad). DS3 is still a little young (7) for it to bother him, but we have both said that as he gets older we will fill in the shortfall in terms of extras/ holidays.

It's also a difficult prospect as my older boys will get a substantial inheritance from their grandma. I'm thinking we should adjust our life insurance and will to reflect this? But I'm not sure as it's contentious.

It's hard for the ex and her other son but she'll need to try and adjust her side of things so he gets more from her or start requesting maintenance from his dad abroad.

Original poster
Ivy44 · 01/04/2019 20:56

She came here as a single parent from Eastern Europe, leaving the elder son’s father there. Apparently he was the result of a fling and his father is married to someone else. I’m not sure how maintenance laws work over there but I don’t think she has ever had any money or support from her elder son’s father. I do really feel for the little boy as non of this is his fault.

OP posts:
wildbhoysmama · 02/04/2019 10:41

That's tough OP. The wee boy has a difficult lot, but it's not your place to address that. Her relatives should try to even it out if they can- a special card at birthdays even. Then she needs to use her money disproportionate to get what her son needs knowing that her DD will get from your ok and his family. The suggestion of presents from your DD is a great one.

Good luck.

Cheeserton · 02/04/2019 10:44

"No, sorry. That's not appropriate." Ignore thereafter.

Unbelievably cheeky.

TwoShades1 · 02/04/2019 11:06

Sounds fine to me (and I’m a step mum). DP tends to pay directly for things for the kids ie; school fees, uniform, clubs/hobbies. As we found when giving money directly to their mum she was spending on her other child, step children or her partner. The kids we missing out on basic things like proper fitting school shoes because her partner needed money to pay his phone bill! We have had a similar complaint in regards to spending money on the kids but at the end of the day both me and DP work and just have his 2 kids so we can afford nice holidays and can often let the kids choose whatever shoes they like when buying new shoes (within reason, we aren’t shopping in Gucci!). At their mums house she doesn’t work (her husband does, but not high earner) she has another child from a different father who pays minimal maintenance and 3 step children (her husbands children) who live 50/50 between their mum and dad, so no maintenance. So their income is has to cover more things and they can’t afford some of the things we can. But we don’t think we shouldn’t do nice things when we have the kids just because their mum can’t afford the same for her other children.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/04/2019 11:10

I don't think it's fair that you get to balance this out but it would be kind to. Thoughtful presents don't need to be expensive and perhaps when you buy her something pick up something for him occasionally because you thought it looked so nice. It's not easy but I appreciate every bit of kindness my PIL showed my children who they only met when they were in junior school.

LL83 · 02/04/2019 11:20

Doesn't sound like you are spoiling dsd, I would continue as you are. You want to keep dsd and your own DC equal too. You sympathise with older boy but apart from Christmas gift which is a lovely gesture there is not much else you can do.

blackteasplease · 02/04/2019 11:25

Totally CF! And crazy!

It looks like she wants to spend some of your money on her d's too!

I would say "I think this is a misunderstanding. They are presents." Or just ignore tbh.

Blondebakingmumma · 02/04/2019 11:55

I think the mum does sound awfully cheeky. It’s a very kind idea to buy dsd’s Brother a present from her for Christmas and birthday. That is very generous of you considering he isn’t allowed contact

KarmaStar · 02/04/2019 12:03

Hi op,you sound a lovely dsm,the ex-wife is being a very mean,Grabby,c.f. And I would not send her a penny.it will not be for your dsd once in her grasping mitts.
Carry on as you were,your money,not hers.you owe her no explanation.
If you worry your dsd will get in trouble with her when this happens again,you can simply acknowledge her message with one of your own.
"Thank you for your message ,however I no longer need parental guidance on how I spend MY money and I will continue to control my own finances."
good luck OpFlowers

redwoodmazza · 02/04/2019 12:10

Many years ago I used to work for CSA. It's different now, I know.
BUT the Absent Parent's partner's earnings/income was NEVER taken into account when calculating how much child maintenance was due. It was asked for but only to calculate whether the Absent Parent could afford the amount of maintenance calculated, considering he also had a partner to support. [No-one ever believed that though.....]

So whatever your earnings are, it does not affect maintenance for your partners child. So his ex is wrong when saying that your earnings mean he should pay her more.

PregnantSea · 02/04/2019 14:01

When I was a kid you couldn't enforce any child support payments from outside of the UK. Not sure if this is still the case. So she probably wouldn't get any money unless the father gave it to her off his own back.

Anyway, she is absolutely being rude. I would just reply and say that it's none of her business what you spend your money on and that a Christmas gift that you buy DSD is seperate from child maintenance. If she mentions it again I would completely ignore her, don't even respond.

She sounds very odd...

M4J4 · 02/04/2019 14:06

YANBU. I'm also wondering why DSD is so easy going? I hope the mum is not over-compensating for her son not having a dad by treating her kids differently. She seems to begrudge her DD the shows and clothes.

ImNotTheDramaLlamaHere · 02/04/2019 14:12

She thinks because of YOUR salary that YOU should pay maintenance for a child that's not yours?!

I can understand if your overshadowing her gifts, that would probably hurt but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening.

Agree that buying the older son a gift sounds like the ideal way forward.

LeesPostersAreInFrames · 02/04/2019 14:15

I wouldn't reply. Just pretend you hadn't received the message, or if she asks say outright that you didn't reply because you thought it was odd and you certainly won't be doing that.

I do think it must be tough on the other kid if mum can't afford to buy him brand names but his sister comes back with pink addidas trainers or whatever while he's in supermarket's cheapest. I'm undecided uhh that would change what I bought DSD or not. I do like the idea of occasionally taking her to buy him something just because, like a nice rucksack for school or I have no idea what's cool for boys.

lovinglifexo · 02/04/2019 14:22
  • you shouldn’t be expected to buy things/ financially support a child that isn’t related to you/ linked to you in anyway.
bridgetreilly · 02/04/2019 15:21

I think you she is being cheeky, but I do think it's hard for her to have two children who have different financial circumstances. I would make sure that the Christmas/birthday presents you get her aren't too expensive (though it doesn't sound like you went crazy) and agree that it's a good idea to help her buy similar presents for her brother.

Original poster
Ivy44 · 02/04/2019 17:29

DP did used to give her more maintenance but found that DSD was turning up in cheap school shoes, too small winter coat etc so they agreed that he would pay less maintenance and buy DSD what she needed directly. The disparity in finances is going to be an ongoing issue but there isn’t a great deal I can do to rectify that other than (as already mentioned) buy a small present from DSD every Christmas and birthday.

OP posts:
ScrewyMcScrewup · 02/04/2019 17:34

You sound very kind, and I think your compromise is a kind one.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 02/04/2019 17:39

I'm going to go against the grain here (though I do see that the ex is a bit bonkers).
If I was in the ex's situation I would really hope to have a good relationship with my DD's father so that in the situation you describe, I could be forewarned if DD was to be given presents.

I could then prepare the older son who, through no fault of his own doesn't get the same treatment. It must have been tough for that boy over the years, and while I absolutely wouldn't get him presents when it was the DD's Birthday, I would at least like to...I don't know...just work out myself how I was going to soften the blow for him.

M4J4 · 02/04/2019 18:41

TheOrig, the ex is not asking to be forewarned, she is asking for cash in lieu of presents which DSD will never see

With OP's update about cheap shoes and too-small coat, there may be already be a disparity in how ex treats her son and her DD.

Original poster
Ivy44 · 02/04/2019 18:49

Someone made a comment about ensuring DSD is treated the same as our child - this is something we are trying to do. It’s difficult though - there is a big difference in school quality between the area DSD lives and where we live, to start with. We’re thinking of paying for tutoring for DSD but that’s something her elder brother hasn’t had so would that also be unfair?

OP posts:
Littleduckeggblue · 02/04/2019 19:06

@Ivy44 No it wouldn't be unfair to pay for tutoring for her and not the boy.
You have no responsibility towards the boy. Its not your fault that he has a different Father.
Why not have the tutoring at your house when she visits you?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/04/2019 19:19

Its not your fault that he has a different Father.

Very true and it’s not DSD’s fault either.

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