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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him gifts don't fit

16 replies

Namechangingfiend · 01/04/2019 17:16

Ex and I do not speak. Ever. He does not see the children - 3 year long court process, cafcass, social services etc

He and his partner send our children clothing at Christmas and for their Birthdays with a card.

At Christmas and for recent birthdays the clothing doesn't fit. They are way too big on the younger children which is fine, they will grow. But our eldest is now in women's clothing due to her more womanly shape - skinny, with hips, and her height.

So the clothing sent for her is very short on the arms and legs and things like skirts show what she had for her breakfast.

She also has her own specific tastes, she likes grungy and dark type clothing... and well the latest thing has metallic rainbow dots all over and is very much like what she wore when she was a toddler. All the items sent are too short, a skirt shows her underwear.

Her relationship with him is not good, and this is adding to her anger towards him now, she feels he does it on purpose and would prefer a gift card to pick out her own. She feels he is controlling her still.

I have explained it's been many years since he saw her and he likely still remembers her as that tiny girl, not as a young woman.

He never sends a receipt.

He won't send her cash, or a gift card, as I suggested it years ago during court process.

Aibu to think about returning the clothing to him and providing him with her correct sizing?

I don't want to speak to him and they do not wish for the contact situation to change.
He and I may not speak but I don't think it is fair on the children or even to him.
But I do not want to stir the pot or appear to be opening a door, as the children are settled and happy and safe.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 01/04/2019 17:18

Can you exchange them? I can usually do this without a receipt.

QueenEhlana · 01/04/2019 17:19

Some stores will let you exchange without a receipt, or to get a credit note. Can you tell where it is from? Does it have an identifiable label?

MsSquiz · 01/04/2019 17:20

Would it be worth going to the shop to see if you can exchange without a receipt? Some stores will if it's a gift. Then she could choose something herself.

Or if there is nothing she would choose from that shop, could you then exchange for something for her siblings and you get her a gift card for somewhere she would like to shop? (I appreciate this would depend on finances)

If he hasn't seen the children for sometime, it doesn't sound like there is much point in contacting him for this

Original poster
Namechangingfiend · 01/04/2019 17:21

Oyster - shop says "at their discretion" and last time I tried with something I brought myself they said they couldn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangingfiend · 01/04/2019 17:23

Labels are attached, look like sale items so it may not be worth it. I'll give it a try tomorrow.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 01/04/2019 17:23

Do the children speak to him at all , if so then your daughter can broach the subject with him . If they are completely NC then I’d just leave well alone , in the great scheme of things does it really matter .

Original poster
Namechangingfiend · 01/04/2019 17:28

Completely no contact other than he can send cards at Christmas and birthdays to them.

I was leaning towards not contacting him or returning items to him. But I didn't know if this was not in their best interests and if I should.

It's hard enough to get them to open the gifts in the first place, this just adds to it.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 01/04/2019 17:29

It would probably be best of your DD could let her DF know what she likes and in what size. Does she have any contact with her DF? Do they speak on the phone or message? Could she write to him to thank him for sending a gift but adding that these clothes are not what she likes anymore and are not the right size?

ApolloandDaphne · 01/04/2019 17:30

Sorry - crossposted. With your DD's agreement i would take the clothes to a charity shop and allow her to feel good about the fact that this gesture may make another child happy even if it makes her cross.

Atalune · 01/04/2019 17:32

Just send them all back with a simple note-

Thank you for xxxx unfortunately the sizing isn’t right and as Dd is getting older she prefers to pick out her own things. Perhaps a gift card for xyz shop might be safer option.

Best namechange

WWWWicked · 01/04/2019 17:34

If your DD does not see her dad, does not have a relationship with him, does not wish for that to change, and needs encouragement to even open the gift in the first place... then stick the clothes in the charity shop and forget about them. Confused

Whatsername7 · 01/04/2019 17:35

Im assuming that there are safeguarding reasons for no contact? Id do nothing. Give the clothes to charity. If the kids dont even want to open them, what is the point?

Homemadearmy · 01/04/2019 17:39

Id charity shop them too and not give it another thought.

Floralnomad · 01/04/2019 17:39

If she’s not bothered about opening the gift then I’d just not bother making her , leave it for a few days and then ask her if she wants you to donate whatever it is .

Lllot5 · 01/04/2019 17:40

If the children don’t have any contact at all except for these gifts at Christmas and birthdays take them to charity shop and forget it. I know this means your eldest doesn’t get a gift but I don’t know what else you can do.
Unless you parcel everything up and tell him not to bother.
Or just tell him they’re too small, sorry I’m not much help am I.
Instinct would be tell him.

Original poster
Namechangingfiend · 01/04/2019 17:55

Thank you for the advice! We are going to donate to a women's and children's shelter.

OP posts:
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