He's a great dad

[clairemcnam]

AIBU to think the bar is incredibly low to be called a great dad?

I guess the thing is, if you're comparing to the pool of 'all dads' the bar is much lower than it is if you compare to 'all mums'. I like to think that DH and I are fairly equal parents - he's currently on shared parental leave with 9 month old DS; I did the first six months. I have never met another man who has spent this much time singlehandedly caring for an infant and so it seems hard to deny that he's an unusually involved father, and in terms of how well he knows and cares for DS he's an unusually 'good father'. It's also pretty obvious when I look around that I'm a fairly average mother (I guess some would say below average, given my early return to work and the fact I've enjoyed it!). So it's easy (though annoying!) to see why DH is seen as exceptional and I'm seen as just about acceptable despite our similar inputs - because he is unusual and I very much am not.

You can't have a lengthy whinge about the eleventy million things your husband does wrong and then say "but he's a great dad"..errr Sheila you've just given us a huge long list of things that make him categorically not a 'great dad'.

And then @daisyjgrey argue with other posters who criticise the husband!!

Getting defensive and starting to list all the pathetic basic shit they do like it's a massive sacrifice!

I don't agree that you can be a terrible partner and a good parent - IMO treating your child's other parent with kindness and respect is a fundamental part of being a good parent. The child needs to feel that cohesion and security - if they're exposed to tension, fighting, or actual abuse then that's bad parenting. Nothing will fill in the cracks if the foundation is rotten.

My husband is a great dad - he does more than his fair share of childcare (gets up early with the toddler so I can lie in, etc) and is far more of a natural parent than I am - I feel like he was made for it, whereas I am probably not. If we divorced, I would seriously consider whether the children would be happier and better cared for living with him than me.

However - he still on occasion acts like a knob and does something so unimaginably thoughtless and impulsive that the only non-destructive outlet for my rage is to post (anonymously) somewhere like mumsnet to get my frustration out and seek some perspective/validation.

That snapshot would make him look like a bad husband and possibly a bad father, but doesn't take into account the hundreds of little positive things he does for his family constantly. The times he gets up early with the toddler and goes out to the shop to make me breakfast in bed, or cancels his gym class because he can tell I'm feeling under the weather and need help with our son. People post at their worst times, and completely one-sided, so I think it's fair to take it with a pinch of salt in some cases if the OP makes the effort to clarify that they are a good dad normally.

Even worse is when they describe all of his shitty behaviour and then not only is he a great dad but he's lovely really (presumably when not being an arsehole 99% of the time) and proceed to defend him when posters tell it like it is.