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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel it's not going to be ok (miscarriage related)

20 replies

NCforpoo · 01/04/2019 11:12

Had 2 miscarriages in last 18 months. Currently 11ish weeks pregnant.
But had so many scares that I just feel it's all going to go wrong. And I'm just wishing it would hurry up and go wrong soon because the longer it goes on the worse its going to be.
DH doesn't understand. He says the scans show its fine. But I can feel it's not. I'm in pain and I keep having to go back for more scans because of bleeding. I can't be positive. And I can't focus on anything until its over.
I wont try again after this one. It's too hard I have one DC. I should be happy.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 01/04/2019 11:15

Of course you're fearing the worst OP after the rough time you've had. I'm not going to tell you "it will be fine" but I will say you're having regular scans, you're getting good care - take things one day at a time.

I just wanted to pick up on this though: -

It's too hard I have one DC. I should be happy

If the worst does happen you MUST allow yourself time to grieve - having one DC absolutely doesn't negate the pain or trauma but it is often used as a reason (both by ourselves and others!) as a "pull your socks up" which isn't helpful.

I really hope it works out for you.

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 01/04/2019 11:16

Didn't want to read and run, so just wanted to send you a quick, but enormous, hug. After everything you've gone through I'd be astonished if you weren't scared silly, but do try to focus on the fact that the doctors have said everything is OK. If you already have one DC then obviously you can carry a beautiful baby full term.

Take it one step at a time, one day at a time. And be kind to yourself, I'm sure anyone in your position would feel incredibly anxious too. Hugs!

Redissuereader · 01/04/2019 11:16

Oh NC my heart goes out to you. I hope you are wrong and that everything turns out OK. Your DH is trying to comfort you I’m sure he does understand and is just as worried, more so about you being OK too. Some people have to be positive until the worst happens and others need to feel prepared for the worst.

I hope you find a way to support each other through your pregnancy and everything turns out to be OK

Original poster

NCforpoo · 01/04/2019 11:20

DH is so focussed on problem solving but I just want to crawl into a ball cry until its over.
I'm being a terrible mum at the moment.
Even worse would be if there's something wrong with the baby and I have to make a horrible decision. I can't stop playing worst case scenarios. And I can't seem to picture a positive one...

OP posts:

CharlesChickens · 01/04/2019 11:27

This is your third pregnancy in eighteen months, and the other two ended tragically. No wonder you can’t relax and enjoy this one, and are bracing yourself for the pain of another loss.( Especially with scary complications like bleeding). I hope that your 12 week scan is reassuring, bleeding is very common, I had it with dd2.
Friends who have experienced repeated miscarriage felt just as you do, and only enjoyed the pregnancy once they were past thirty weeks or so. Be kind to yourself, all pregnancies are different, having had two losses does not mean you will lose this one too, but it will obviously have a huge impact in how you feel. Talk to your midwife about how you are feeling, she may be able to help.
Did they give any reason for your other losses ? Because knowing why can help get a handle on the anxiety sometimes, even though it doesn’t change the grief.

BeautyWasTheBeast · 01/04/2019 11:28

I totally understand. I had 2 MC and my 3rd pregnancy I was just waiting for everything to go wrong. I even bled and was sure that was it.
I wasn't waiting for my baby but more waiting for the MC so I could have tests to find out why.

It got easier as it went on. 7 week scan, 12 week scan, 20 week scan and then I had a private scan at 29ish and then it got to...well if he's born now then babies can survive at X week.

He was born nice and healthy so don't give up hope. What you're feeling is normal...it's normal to worry. Fingers crossed for you X x

Original poster

NCforpoo · 01/04/2019 11:39

2 MC isnt a reason to investigate so no no reason given
Thanks for all the reassurances.
I just can't tell anyone. And I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because I should be happy everything is going well according to scans so far. But I feel horrible.
I also don't want to tell anyone I'm pregnant because then I'll have to tell them I MC. Until after 30 weeks. But that's unrealistic for work. I hate living one day at a time, not sure if today is bad news day

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 01/04/2019 11:41

I can't stop playing worst case scenarios. And I can't seem to picture a positive one

Self-preservation and totally normal

TheLastUNIC0RN · 01/04/2019 11:49

Totally normal to feel like that. I had 4 miscarriages then a successful ivf pregnancy. But with every scan I went into it expecting them to tell me there was no heartbeat. I was just waiting for it to go wrong the whole pregnancy... my four month old son is currently napping on my shoulder.
It's so scarey when you've had losses and hard to imagine any other outcome. But remember - you carried your first baby to term.. there is absolutely no reason y you can't do it again

Geekster1963 · 01/04/2019 12:08

It is very scary when you have had miscarriages and I can understand how you are feeling. It's normal to me. I had six miscarriages all under 12 weeks and when I found out I was pregnant for the 7th time I sat and cried for over an hour just knowing that it would all go wrong in the next few weeks. I was completely paranoid that I was feeling pain and looking for blood every time I went to the toilet. Even after my 12 week scan. I only really started to relax after my 20 week scan.

It's horrible to go through and very hard to relax about it. You aren't a terrible Mum just a normal person who is going through a difficult time.

I'm keeping everything crossed that it goes well for you.

Justanothernameonthepage · 01/04/2019 12:14

Completely normal. I felt the same right up until he was in my arms. When there were complications in the birth I even felt a weird relief 'oh, this is how it's going to go wrong'. I wish I'd spoken up during pregnancy as I was hit with pnd that I believe was made worse by me not wanting to bond with the baby while pregnant as I thought I'd never get to hold him alive.
Maybe look and see if there is a SANDS group nearby who can recommend someone to talk to?

NWQM · 01/04/2019 12:25

Completely understanding feelings.

We are here to listen.

Graphista · 01/04/2019 12:25

Totally normal I'd 2 mc losing 3 babies before having dd, her pregnancy was fraught with complications and I didn't even START to relax until I was about 25 weeks and even then warily so. I wouldn't even let others buy things for her till I was about 30 weeks it just felt like tempting fate.

We only bought essentials around 35 week mark and lots wasn't bought until after she was born & home!

Completely natural to feel as you do.

MissB83 · 01/04/2019 12:31

It's so hard but when you have gone through awful experiences or trauma you need to remember that anxiety means your brain can convince itself of things that aren't true.

I suffered terribly with anxiety during pregnancy for separate reasons and got a fixed idea at one point that my parents would be killed in a terrorist attack when they went abroad to Europe for a weekend. Of course - they didn't. But it was so real in my head, I was convinced it would happen. The brain is such a funny thing.

I know it's not the same situation but anxiety causes catastrophising and worst case scenarios will be uppermost in your head. Try to be gentle with yourself I wish you well for the remainder of the pregnancy.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 12:41

You poor thing. It must be so hard, really hope you can start to relax a little as your pregnancy progresses. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

NCforpoo · 01/04/2019 12:45

Thank you
All of your messages have had me in floods of tears- its lucky I'm working from home today!
Just not feeling alone is really helping today. I'm finding it so hard to focus on work and stop dwelling on what could go wrong. It doesn't help I'm exhausted and sick.
I don't seem to be able to get my mind off worrying. Again I know DH is worried too but his is for short periods occasionally. Mine is all the time.

Thank you all x

OP posts:

Katinkka · 01/04/2019 12:51

I had three miscarriages over 3 months before getting my second son. Everytime I ever tried to get pregnant I got pregnant but I just didn't hang on to them all. Anyway when I was trying for my second son, after the miscarriages I had bleeding, thought for sure it was all over but it was just bruising in uterus or something. All was fine. For my third, again 2 miscarriages before he stuck. My way of dealing with it was just to get pregnant again and carry on. My misscarriage at 8 weeks was harder than the ones that ended before 6 weeks though. I thought we were probably clear at that point so it was quite devastating.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 12:56

Have you told your mum OP? Hopefully after your next scan you feel a little more reassured and less stressed x

Original poster

NCforpoo · 01/04/2019 13:26

Next scan is on Tuesday. Hoping its ok but my heart just isn't lifting like it did when the first scan showed it was ok... Then bleeding and more pain and every scan after has just felt like putting off the inevitable.
I love my DM and shes had her own MC issues before- late ones too. But shes not the best support. I told her after the second one and she was sad with me but not 10mins later was saying I really should have another child as it wasn't said on DC to be on only child... so i don't really go to her for emotional support on this. I've told one friend but she's along the same lines as my DH- the scans look good. That's good. Cheer up. They're problem solving people, not empathy people.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 13:43

You just need time to get passed the stage when things went wrong previously then hopefully you will start to feel a little more confident and happier about everything. There’s no magic solution sadly, but just try and take good care of yourself at this time.
Sorry to hear that you can’t really talk to your mum, keep posting on here if it helps you, there’ll be lots of people that have been in your position who will support you and get you through this period.

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