To be confused about his lack of contact

[SadNConfused]

Please can you help me with this. I’m confused about what to do.

I’m in the early stages of a long distance relationship with a man who I really like. We’ve been ‘seeing’ each other for a few months but have only spent 3 actual days together as a couple (much longer as friends before it became long distance. He had to take a job in another city). We haven’t slept with each other yet, if that’s relevant. And for context, we’re both in our late 30s, divorced with 2 kids each.

I want to add that I really like this guy and want this to work out. We were very good friends before we got together and I feel like I know him very well.

Normal contact pattern for us is (because of child and work commitments) I text him on a day that I’d like to speak to him. He never replies by text as he prefers to speak on the phone. Then he calls me after work between work and picking up his daughter. We have busy lives but it works for us, or so I thought.

I saw him last weekend and we had a lovely day together. Fast forward to Thursday and I sent him a friendly text, prompting contact but then he never called. I haven’t contacted him since.

My question is, how should I handle this?

1. Play it cool. Wait for him to contact me? My concern is that our contact pattern doesn’t work that way and maybe he’ll never get back in touch??
2. Play it cool but contact him again but be lighthearted and act unbothered that he never called?
3. Contact him to check that he’s okay?
4. Contact him, if he acts like nothing happened, let on that not hearing from him made me feel a bit confused and I was worried that something was wrong?

I want this to work out long term so I need to strike the right balance of playing it cool yet not being disrespected.

What should I do?

BTW he tells me that he’s attracted to me, that I’m beautiful, etc. We have kissed but nothing more. I’m taking it slowly because I want it to work.

I should also add that he has a busy stressful job. But who doesn’t! And he has 50% custody of his kids who are still very young. Both of our break ups were amicable.

Are you sure he is quite what he seems? Someone you can5 just ring up (outside work hours at least) is usually dodgy for one reason or another.

He doesn't sound like a good prospect TBH.

So I would suggest you do

5. just leave it, and put your thoughts and energies into doing stuff you actually enjoy and maybe meeting a mpnice, uncomplicated man that way

I do think you are both going too long without contacting each other if I'm honest. It takes 2 seconds to send a quick text. I know you said he prefers to speak on the phone.....but to be blunt....I'm sorry op but I think if he was really interested he would call/text you a lot more.

He probably is enjoying that you are 'chasing him' so I'd go with option 1 and wait. He needs to make the effort too, and if he really likes you then he will. Last thing you want to do is be needy.

I probably could just ring him but we have fallen into this pattern. I think it’s a way of us both saying we’re free to chat.

If I want to stay with him (which I do!) then what would you suggest?

He is nice and uncomplicated but he has young kids and a busy job (I do too) so there are more obstacles to negotiate. I don’t want a younger man with no kids as he wouldn’t understand my situation. We both prioritise our kids and that works for me but this ‘going missing’ is stressing me.

How should I play it?

You shouldn't play anything. Send a text and ask him if everything is alright as you haven't heard from him in a few days and miss him. If he's serious, he'll call. If he's not, he's ghosting you and won't.

Stop. Playing. Games.

At the moment, you aren't in a relationship, you have just started dating someone. You cannot build a relationship unless you have at least some contact, other wise you are 2 people who occasionally meet for a coffee. If you like him, contact him. If you don't, the distance and fact you have only met 3 times means it will very easily drift and fizzle out.

Op I don't think you are really listening to what me and @AuntieStella have said.

Maybe for him it's just run its course? You say he has a busy job and dcs 50/50 so he may have realised he doesn't have time.

He may be happy with the way things are with you and wants to keep it casual.

Or maybe he's just not interested - sorry.

If it's bothering you that much then just ask him.

But like @AuntieStella maybe focus your energy on other things because if he did want it to go somewhere, he would make more of an effort.

A red flag for me is where you say you contact him when you want to speak to him. Does he never contact you first?

He rarely contacts me first. Am I a complete idiot? When I text him he sometimes calls me immediately, sometimes after work. I thought it was just our way. If I stop texting him then he might think I’ve lost interest.

I doubt he considers you have “a way”. Just call him at a convenient time.

But be careful about being too invested in this before it’s anything. It’s very early on, he may not be seeing the same future that you do. Nothing in the way you “play it” will change that, just be honest and up front with him.

If I want to stay with him (which I do!) then what would you suggest?

Why do you want to stay with him? Its long distance and adds what? to your life?

Going long distance after you are in established relationship and one needs to work away, for instance is one thing, but starting out is something else. How are you supposed to properly get to know each other or date or do any of the little things that build a relationship?

My money is on him still being with the wife/family.

Fuck him off and meet someone that lives nearer so you can actually have a relationship.

Just ask if he is ok - which is perfectly reasonable.

We were friends for a long time before we got together. Unfortunately it coincided with him moving away. I really like him very much. I’m trying not to be too invested but it’s hard. I just want to know how to give this the best possible chance? There’s mixed advice here. Some say ignore/move on, others say ask if he’s OK. I’m just not sure which is for the best??

why haven’t you spent the night together? In the throws of a new relationship it’s a lot more intense than this.

I’d honestly just text and ask if he is ok. I hate that feeling of having to slink away not wanting to ask just to save face. If he doesn’t reply then you know your answer and In no way Is that a reflection on you.

Some say ignore/move on, others say ask if he’s OK. I’m just not sure which is for the best??

That might be your answer? You shouldn't feel apprehensive about contacting the person you are in a relationship with.

Other than excitement butterflies at the beginning etc.

I'd wait until he contacted you, whole thing sounds a bit iffy to me, don't think he's what he seems.

I would send another message, one that you would normally send. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that your last message didn't get through. I have had that happen a few times - either I haven't received a text, or one I have sent hasn't been delivered. If there is still no contact from him then I think you would be wise to move on.

I can't see any reason to just give up on him, its just one missed text ffs.

You might think you have a pattern of communication he might not think of it in the same way, maybe he planned to ring but got distracted and forgot about your text.
Just act like a grown up and ring him for a chat, you are overthinking this.

What happens when he's thinking of you and you haven't texted him that day? Would he call without a prompt? Why don't you try calling him without a pre-emptive text at a time you think he might be free (before kid pick up, after kids have gone to bed, etc). If he wants to hear from you he'll pick up, if it's not convenient hopefully he'll pick and say call me back at X time when I can talk. Change the dynamic by also being the one that calls seeing as he doesn't like texting as I don't think it's working for you right now having to always wait for him (and I understand why, it sounds stressful and confusing!)

You are making it complicated and overthinking it, having a pattern messaging and calling etc it really is simple if you are thinking of him, have a question or want to send him something funny just do it, it really is that easy

He rarely contacts me first.

This would concern me. I absolutely do not buy into the 'he's so busy' excuse, many people lead busy lives and still find time for texts and phone calls to family and friends let alone to their gf / bf when in a new relationship.

He doesn't sound invested as you are, people generally make an effort when in a new relationship - he clearly isn't.

I'd text him one more time asking if he is ok as you've not heard from him but take this temporary silence as a warning sign.