May be a long story here so I’ll try my best to be concise and put everything into small paragraphs!
I have Bipolar and am in recovery from Anorexia. I am also 7 months pregnant (first time mum).
I had my first depressive episode at 11, continuing throughout my teens with repeated and severe self harm. I had my first manic episode at 19, referred to CMHT at 20 and misdiagnosed and discarded on inappropriate medication. This went on for a few years before eventually being rediagnosed with Bipolar. Both manic and depressive episodes have often resulted in psychosis. I was sectioned for the first time at 25 having been found waist deep in a river in the middle of the night wishing to surrender myself to the moon.
Over the last five years I have lost count of how many times I have been sectioned, not including a few voluntary admissions. I have spent over a year (in total) in hospital since I met my partner five years ago and been under the care of the crisis team many times too. I have also been in an inpatient facility in an attempt to recover from my anorexia. I HATE psych wards. HATE them.
Anyway, I have been on various pretty complex combinations of medications over the years with varied but limited success. It is safe to say that I hate my illness, I hate how it has restricted my life and I hate having fairly limited options in life.
In terms of the pregnancy- my periods never really returned after my eating disorder relapse and a period of time on an antipsychotic known to stop menstruation. I never thought I’d be able to conceive but as it turns out, 1 cycle in the best part of a year worked for us.
In some ways pregnancy has been okish, minimal sickness and so forth. I have an anterior placenta and have only felt 5/6 movements in the last 4 weeks so am being monitored daily. I was under consultant care anyway due to MH health problems and effects of medication on the baby. It was decided by the perinatal team that I should stay on some of my medication as benefits (apparently) outweigh potential risks. I may have to have a scheduled caesarean and it looks increasingly unlikely that I’ll be able to breastfeed. I am very upset by this.
About 3 weeks ago my mood took a nosedive and I was admitted to the mother and baby MH unit where I am currently. Crucially I should mention, my family do not know I’m here.
Over the years the input from my family has been, at best, intermittent. In the early hospitalisations my family were supportive, both of me being safe and also finally being given medication that might help. As time has gone by they have all (mum, Dad, brother, sister) been dismissive and sometimes cruel with regards to my mental health. I have constant lectures about how I need to come off my medication as I’d do better without it. Dsis has labelled me ‘attention seeking’. DM has stormed out of hospital rooms, refused to speak and look at me, told me that I really don’t need medication and that she too would love ‘a nice break’ in hospital. I could go on.
Hopefully you’re still with me and you get the gist.
Yesterday I saw DB and DM. They spent 15 minutes telling me that I should come off Lithium and that it is the source of all my problems. Also, they tell me it will harm the baby. When asked, both admitted that they have never, ever researched my illness let alone my medication. I find this incredibly difficult as I long to be able to breastfeed and worry so much about hurting my baby but I am listening to the experts (psychiatrists and obstetricians).
Enough was enough tonight. Over the last 5 years I have been shut down and talked over whenever I have been well and assertive enough to question their views and stand up for myself. I sent a message on the family WhatsApp group explaining that while I understand they find it difficult I need, at least, validation and acknowledgment of my illness. That I hate living like this and I want to do my best so I am there for my baby and not absent for any milestones. I think the message was calm and didn’t point any fingers or place blame.
My brother replied instantly saying he was very sorry, he wants the best for me and will help and support me anyway he can going forward. My mum said ‘I do not know what to say’. Otherwise, silence. I sent another reply reiterating what I said initially, told them I loved them etc. This was followed by total silence.
I am hurt and sad. I feel rejected and frightened. I also understand that they may feel overwhelmed but that doesn’t stop the way I feel.
I guess what I’m asking is, AIBU to have a devastating and difficult aspect of my life validated by my family. If they find it too hard to offer physical support, AIBU to ask that they ask me questions about meds, various sections etc without firing questions and insulting and tough words at me.
This is a huge, huge post. I did not want to dripfeed. If you have made it this far, thank you.