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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to sometimes worry for my DS's future?

3 replies

Thistledew · 31/03/2019 22:38

I hope that I am BU and that this is just perfectly normal parenting angst about a perfectly average little boy, but sometimes I worry about the possibility of mucking up this parenting lark and raising a child who is going to be a difficult person to be around.

DS is 2 ¾ and is not an easy child. He was a very chilled out baby, but once he discovered movement has been ball of high energy.

He is clever - not genius level, but nursery have commented that his language is advanced and his comprehension has always been excellent - e.g. when he was just 9/10 months old I was preparing lunch and to distract him from trying to climb my leg I simply said "DS, can you go to the draw and get your bib". He did. Now, if he hears a word he does not know he will ask what it means. A couple of times recently he has stopped mid sentence and corrected his own grammar.

He is physically strong and has so much energy. He only has two settings - full steam ahead and asleep, and getting him to do the latter is a challenge.

He is wilful - I know all children of that age are and maybe he is perfectly normal, but he doesn't do anything just because you ask him to. The best way to gain his cooperation is to explain to him, in detail, exactly why you are requesting him to do a certain thing, and hope that he realises the overall benefit of complying. Trying to get him to just comply has resulted in sustained fits of rage that have lasted for well over an hour.

He is bold - ever since he was a crawling baby an open space was an invitation to head for the horizon without looking back. I genuinely don't know how far away he would go from me in a park, for example, as my nerve always breaks before his does. He will happily speak to strangers - he has been placing his own order in cafes etc since about 20 months old. However, he is not reckless and has a good awareness of hazards and when things are beyond his capabilities.

He is not a cuddly child - he does enjoy physical contact but prefers climbing on me and physical games to cuddles. It is only if he is very tired that he will settle for a cuddle. One of his worst traits is that he can be vicious - with me or DH if he is not getting his own way, and regrettably also with other children. Fortunately, he seems to have stopped biting but will pinch or grab. He knows that he is hurting. He will also bear a grudge. Aged about 2, he apparently bit a child without provocation one afternoon at nursery. When I asked him about it later that day he told me that the other child had broken his train track earlier that morning.

On his plus points, he is generally cheerful and positive about life. He is interested in the things around him and other people. He has taken to saying "please, thank you, you are welcome, excuse me" etc really effortlessly. He is empathetic - often if he sees another child crying in the park, for example, he will ask why they are crying and will try to comfort them or will get me to come and see what is the matter if. If we sit down for a family meal he is quite concerned to make sure that everyone has a share of the food. He is very affected by books and TV/films, where a character is in danger, particularly if it is a baby that has lost its parents.

His good looks have frequently been commented on, and he is starting to become aware of this.

If you have read this far, thanks for your patience. I'm not entirely sure what my AIBU is. I think my fear is that he is a sort of person that will always be pushing at boundaries in his life, and I'm worried about my own abilities to raise him so that he does so in a positive, and not destructive way.

Does this resonate with anyone?

OP posts:
BarmyLlama · 31/03/2019 22:45

Don't have too much practical advice but what you described sounds like the sort of person who might do quite well in life. But it's early days yet and children change rapidly. What I would suggest is getting the violence under control as that will never be acceptable. Some children respond to guilt very well- you said he feels things very strongly?- so maybe stress how much it HURTS the other children when he does it and that HE caused that, rather than just saying it's "wrong".
But don't read too much into stuff. All things considered, he sounds a pretty great kid.

Thistledew · 31/03/2019 23:03

We are coming down hard on the aggression. If he hurts another child at playgroup or in the park, he is told that he has hurt, asked to apologise and we immediately leave the activity. He gets no treats that day. At home if he is aggressive he gets put in another room until he is calm and ready to apologise. Any toy that is thrown or used to bash with is removed.

I also try to reinforce positive behaviour and playing nicely by commenting on it at the time and by little rewards. For example, a few weeks ago he was playing with his cousin who took the train track he wanted. He actually came and told me about it rather than hurt her or try to take it back. I often remind him of that as a way of him learning that there are other ways of dealing with his frustrations.

Part of the trouble is that he is very independent and will rather solve a problem himself than ask for help. That goes for everything from sorting out disputes with other children to picking up his stool from where it is kept behind a stair gate so that he can help himself to a snack from a high cupboard!

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 31/03/2019 23:24

Trying to get him to just comply has resulted in sustained fits of rage that have lasted for well over an hour

Have a look at PDA strategies, you may find that simply by rephrasing what you'd like him to do has a positive outcome.

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