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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am i over reacting?

16 replies

Confusedmummy2019 · 31/03/2019 20:36

Any advice is a blessing atm....ive been in a relationship for 5 and a half years, i have 2 kids also. We live together....we have a lot of arguments about the one and only....MONEY....he works and obvs gets a wage and hardly pays anything towards the house keeping, when ever i mention it to him that he needs to start helping out more with electric gas shopping rent general daily household things. I so everything for him cook clean im always here make sure theres electric and the house is warm theres food and a roof over our heads...i feel as though i a m raising my children alone despite being in a relationship for this long, he says he can help out "if and when he can". I know this is not good enough but its also the time he spends with us does not exist he comes home when kids in bed...even on weekends he makes plans that dont involve us...im trying really hard not to end the relationship because i do love him, but the consistancy, security, trust, time, and the disregard to our feelings. My head is telling me one thing but my heart is telling me time to give up.... What should i do? Am i over reacting or have we hit a dead end?

OP posts:

Maryjoxk · 31/03/2019 20:38

YANBU. Tell him he seriously needs to change or you’ll walk

2cats2many · 31/03/2019 20:39

This isn't a relationship and you know it. How much more are you prepared to tolerate?

Bluntness100 · 31/03/2019 20:39

Are they his kids op?

Chocolateisfab · 31/03/2019 20:39

When I found out my dh was definitely wasting his wages and keeping the bills etc short to the point I was borrowing off family, I sent him packing. Op you are practically a single dm anyway. Ltb and claim cms - you will be better off financially and he can step up and parent his dc properly once he is single.

MitziK · 31/03/2019 20:40

Listen to what you know in your heart. It's not working and can't be repaired.

Original poster

Confusedmummy2019 · 31/03/2019 20:43

Hes not my childrens dad, but should this mean he does not need to provide? I lack the confidence to tell him im silly for that i know but i dont know how to put it to him

OP posts:

Boulezvous · 31/03/2019 20:45

Hi OP it doesn't sound like it's working and that he is using the house like a hotel but at your expense.

Do you work OP? How are you paying the bills?

7yo7yo · 31/03/2019 20:49

Well he’s fucking useless!
Must have a solid gold cock for you to stay with him for that long.

Hahaha88 · 31/03/2019 20:49

Of course you're not BU. He's taking advantage

Newyearbollocks · 31/03/2019 20:49

Do you work OP? is the house owned jointly, rented or council? Has your income lowered since he moved in? All these things are relevant here lovely. I'll give you advice but your OP Isn't much to go on. Regardless he should be paying his way!

Bluntness100 · 31/03/2019 20:50

No he doesn't need to provide for your children op, that's your and their dads job, he needs to pay his way and not expect you to pay for him.

Plenty do pay for kids that aren't theirs, but everyone is different, and if he doesn't wish to financially support your kids no he doesn't have to.

As said though, he does have to pay his way, do his fair share, and if you do wish him to provide for your kids, then it's likely better you end this as he's not going to do it,

user1486131602 · 31/03/2019 21:03

You are not overreacting: he needs to man up, he mate two kids and now needs to raise them as a parent not as a lodger!
Tell him, his reaction should be your answer, please don't waste 20 yrs as I did waiting for him to grow up! Xx

burritofan · 31/03/2019 22:50

So he doesn't pay or contribute to: rent, utilities, for food or cleaning products – what about council tax, internet, TV licence? And you do all the cooking and cleaning? Why?!

He doesn't have to split the bills 50/50 – they'll obviously be higher with 2 children in the mix than if it were the 2 of you – but "helping out" as and when he can be arsed isn't fair either. What do you get out of living with him, other than losing your single person's council tax discount?

melj1213 · 31/03/2019 23:01

He either needs to pay his way or gtfo of your house.

He should not have to provide for your children, that is for you and their dad to do, but he does have to pay his own way and support himself by paying his portion of bills/rent etc, especially as he is currently not contributing to the household so you won't lose anything if he leaves.

I would sit down and work out all household expenses - rent, utilities, council tax, phone, groceries etc - and tell him he has to start paying at least a third (the other 2/3 for you and your children) or he needs to leave.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2019 06:22

Yes, work out the house hold expenses, and you can split it as you both see fit, either a third to him, or a quarter, depending on how you count the kids, and he should have that direct debited into a joint account each month.

If this is you are financially supporting him, it's wrong and that needs to stop, but equally as said, he cannot be expected to financially support, or raise your children.

To be honest though, this should all have been agreed before he moved in.

Ohyesiam · 01/04/2019 06:26

By help out with the bills do you mean pay for the things he uses like any adult?
You’re being given nothing here , certainly not respect. Get rid op, you will be much happier.

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