Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To spend next mother's Day just me and DS?

21 replies

Somuchchocolatesolittletime · 31/03/2019 20:00

Every Mother's Day I see my DM for an hour in the morning and then we end up spending the entire day with my MIL. I asked if we could spend a couple of hours there and be home for tea together as it was my day too. MIL can be quite draining to be around and every occasion requires a heavy drink so I always feel on edge whilst at her house. We got to her house at 11am and finally left at 5pm. I asked DH why he had said we'd only have a couple of hours to then stay the majority of the day and he said he gave me the options for us to leave ... By this he means the one time at 3pm when he addressed me infront of his parents, his brothers and their wives and his parents friends and said 'shall we go or have another drink?' baring in mind I was driving anyway and he knew I wouldn't say let's leave Infront of everyone. We've come home and had an argument over how any special occasions are always taken over by his family and I'm in bed. I've had nothing to eat all day as we've been at his mum's and they would rather drink than eat.

Next year wibu to just take DS out for the day somewhere and leave DH to spend the day with his parents?

OP posts:

ScreamScreamIceCream · 31/03/2019 20:02

YES

ScreamScreamIceCream · 31/03/2019 20:03

Sorry I mean take your son out alone, and leave your husband to spend his mother's day with his mother alone.

Chocolateisfab · 31/03/2019 20:03

When I was also married to a selfish twat we never shared any occasions together. His ideas always involved getting pissed.
He missed his dc's first Christmas's and every birthday. Best celebrations were for me post divorce...
Time to reassess your future op.

Leeds2 · 31/03/2019 20:04

Do it!

And do not go and pick DH up if he has been drinking.

doIreallyneedto · 31/03/2019 20:06

He has a point. I don't understand why you wouldn't say yes, let's go. If you didn't want to be too blunt, you could have said, I think we'd better head as we've a lot to do this evening.

Although it does sound pretty hellish and you would not be in any way unreasonable not to go.

Kko1986 · 31/03/2019 20:06

Either spend the day just you or your son.
Or your husband steps up and says we will come from 11 till 1 then we are going to take time as a family.
You did your visits and it sounds like it was just an excuse to drink.
This was my 2nd year as a mum and me and my husband arranged for him to see his mum with our daughter. I spent the time free doing housework and seeing my mum but I did what I wanted. I love my mother in law but the best present my husband could give her was time his time and it was icing on the cake for her to see her granddaughter x

Girlicorne · 31/03/2019 20:06

not at all. there's no chance I d spend mothers day with my mil. we get on ok but its my day too and my dc wouldn't want to spend it in the pub or out for lunch somewhere rammed and overpriced. my own mum lives 150 miles away. we do our own thing every year and I love it, today we went to the Legoland discovery centre and it was epic. You do your own thing next year, life is way too short. I stopped doing things I don't want to do years ago and life is much better!

MondeoFan · 31/03/2019 20:09

Why does your DM only get an hour whilst MIL gets 6 hours of you time. Does your DM know this?

Original poster

Somuchchocolatesolittletime · 31/03/2019 20:09

Chocolateisfab this is starting to be my train of thought. Some days he can be amazing but more often he's a bit of a prick. My reasons for staying are much less than my reasons for leaving but I just 100% cannot do it to my son. He idolises his Dad and I can't break up the family.

I think I'm just going to sit it out and from now on refuse to do family events together. At our DS's birthday last year he came for 5 minutes and left to go and watch the rugby, he only returned once the match had finished and his pint was empty.

He doesn't see this issue as his parents are like this and his Dad walks all over his Mum and she enables it.

OP posts:

Chocolateisfab · 31/03/2019 20:11

He can still be a df - just not one on his terms only. Ds has a blinkered ideal of him. Imo leaving dh on a pedastal is damaging to ds in the long term.

Original poster

Somuchchocolatesolittletime · 31/03/2019 20:12

doireallyneedto his family are quite confrontational and his Mum is very vocal so if I'd have said yes there'd have been a sly comment about me dragging her DS away or something. DH always sticks up for me to be fair but I'd rather not be in the situation in the first place. Sometimes I wonder though if he purposely asks Infront of them knowing I won't say anything.

Mondeofan No my Mum just thought we were calling there for an hour like I did. I had no idea I'd be spending my entire day there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Somuchchocolatesolittletime · 31/03/2019 20:14

Chocolateisfab it's a mixture of things really but my DS is the main reason. He works full time and I'm part time as I do all of the nursery runs and also help with pick ups for his daughter. I could absolutely not afford to pay our mortgage or rent anywhere myself for that matter. It would also be hell on earth for me to even try and split assets and tell his family I'm leaving.

OP posts:

MondeoFan · 31/03/2019 20:32

Oh I see. I was just wondering as I know my mum would be fuming if I spent an hour with her and 6 hours with MIL.
I don't see my DM on Mother's Day anymore as I'm a mum to 2 and we like to do our own thing

Original poster

Somuchchocolatesolittletime · 31/03/2019 20:45

My Mum is in quite a high role at work and is often sent away for work for up to two months at a time so isn't always here for days like Mother's Day. If she's home next year I'll probably have an hour with her and then take DS out for the day. MIL will no doubt be pissed off that she hasn't seen DS but tough.

OP posts:

Mummyshark2019 · 31/03/2019 20:52

Just go out with your son next year. Leave your husband and his drink loving family to it.

poglets · 31/03/2019 21:44

Next time your DH pulls the 'shall we go or have another drink?' stunt you need to calmly and clearly stand up for yourself and say 'let's go. Thanks so much for having us' and glide out.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 31/03/2019 21:55

Start standing up for yourself. You don’t have to be aggressive about it but for example, you could have said with a smile ‘yes, we should be going. You know how Sundays get. It’s been a lovely day but I’ve a lot to do this evening. See you soon’
In fact, don’t even wait for him to suggest it. Do it yourself.
If there are times you don’t feel like going, then just don’t.
Don’t let him walk all over you anymore.

Cornishclio · 31/03/2019 22:04

I think the arrangements here are quite unbalanced if you only spend an hour with your DM and the rest of the day with MIL. Next year say that you spent almost the whole day with MIL so this year you are spending it with your DM and your DS. Let your DH do as he will. If you let him carry on walking all over your wishes you will end up in the position in a few years time where your selfish DH will do as he pleases and you just have to fit in. Let him sort his own travel arrangements out too. Are they all alcoholics? No food, just drink?

Original poster

Somuchchocolatesolittletime · 01/04/2019 08:19

The arrangements weren't supposed to be unbalanced ... I had expected to leave after an hour or so, not stay all afternoon. I wouldn't say they're alcoholics in that they rely on drink but they will choose to drink most weekends so when we visit my husband will most times have a couple of drinks with them. I've told DH this morning that next year I'm going out with DS and he can please himself, he quite wisely kept his mouth shut so I think he knows I'm cross.

OP posts:

Original poster

Somuchchocolatesolittletime · 01/04/2019 08:21

My problem was that they knew I had nothing that needed doing as I had discussed with SIL when we first arrived that I'd sorted everything first thing that morning so I could go home and have a relaxed afternoon with DH and DS. If I'd have said I had things to do MIL would have happily pulled me on it Infront of everyone.

OP posts:

Ohtherewearethen · 01/04/2019 08:42

They sound like a nightmare! I'm guessing your husband doesn't really see it that way though as he has always been around it. One thing I cannot stand is other people spending my time for me and I had to talk to my husband about that pretty early on. He hadn't realised as that is what his mother had always done. I think if you make things clear before hand then he really hasn't a leg to stand on. So say, I am staying for one hour and that's it. If you want to stay you can get a taxi home later. He can't argue that you have to spend longer there than you want to.

Flip