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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go NC with sister (domestic violence)

16 replies

vaper · 31/03/2019 19:22

Sister been with her abuser for 4 years, he's very controlling. I don't speak to him due to previous arguments.
She's tried to leave him several times but goes back to him for her own reasons.
She tried leaving again this week but got back with him today.
When she 'leaves' him me and my mum help out, put things in place, support her etc in the hope she does leave him. He's smashed my mums windows before for phoning the police when he assaulted my sister.
I just don't know what to do? I obviously don't want to go no contact with her but my mental health can't take it any more. It's causing me so much anxiety.
Social services are involved.
I feel sorry for my mum.
Any advice?

OP posts:
PhilipSteak · 31/03/2019 19:25

Please, please don’t give up on her vaper. It’s unlucky for your mum and you that your sister is a DV relationship but if you abandon her he will have full Control and she will have even less chance of getting away.
You say SS are involved. Does your sister have children? If so how old are they?

BloodsportForAll · 31/03/2019 19:28

It takes on average ten times to leave a partner for good in this situation. They have a terrible hold over the victim. It's hurting you too, but to go NC would potentially be signing her death warrant. I would suggest getting some therapy to help with what this is doing to you, and see if you and/or your mum can get in contact with SS and see what can be done.

fassbendersmistress · 31/03/2019 19:29

Don’t go NC with her. But do set yourself some boundaries with what you will expose yourself to and make that clear to her - that you will always be there for her but that you cannot engage in the drama. It’s so so hard to do, getting the balance of keeping a DA victim close enough to be able to help but distancing yourself for your own mental health. If go NC he’s winning and he’ll tell her it’s her fault and he’s all she has etc etc....
My Dsis has been in An abusive relationship for 15 years and our whole family are exhausted by it but we cannot abandon her.

Ewitsahooman · 31/03/2019 19:30

When leaving an abuser it often takes several attempts to finally leave for good. Cutting her off from her main source of support - you and your mum - would be a huge bonus for him because it's one more lever for him to use against her.

PhilipSteak · 31/03/2019 19:31

Keep posting on Mumsnet and maybe ask for this thread to be moved to the Relationships board, where you’ll get excellent advice, and learn a lot.
It’s a very good source of support.

Goldmandra · 31/03/2019 19:36

I know how powerful coercive control is and I know how heartbreaking it is trying to help someone to leave a relationship like this.

It is important that your DSis knows you will support her because he will be telling her that she is worthless and you have, quite rightly, abandoned her.

However, you also need to protect yourself. It's a difficult balance to find. Could you talk things through with the social worker? They have a duty of care towards you too.

Try to find a way to express and process the anger and frustration you're feeling right now that doesn't impact on your relationship with her. She has made a decision that you will find it hard to cope with but knowing you haven't judged her and will still support her when she leaves again could make all the difference.

gamerwidow · 31/03/2019 19:36

Don’t go NC but go very low contact. Having a family member in an abusive relationship takes a terrible toll on you. It’s not just the worry but the anger and frustration that they keep allowing themselves to get back sucked in that’s so destroying. Having to smile and play happy families with their abuser and then be told that you are the problem for being unsupportive when you question their choices is too much to take. Keep the lines of communication open but let her know that are there for her not him and you wont pretend her relationship is ok.

WWWWicked · 31/03/2019 19:38

You sound like you’ve reached your limit and I disagree with some PP’s to put your sister first - which is essentially what they’re telling you to do. You sound like you’re really on the edge.

Tell her you need a break, and tell her exactly why. Explain to her that you’ll be in touch again in a few weeks. Tell her honestly the impact this is having on your own mental and physical health and this is why you need a break.

Then just take a couple of weeks of no-contact, have a breather and see how you feel. Have a think about your own boundaries, what level of drama you’re prepared to get sucked into, and what you ultimately need to do to protect your own mental health.

gamerwidow · 31/03/2019 19:43

I don’t know what your DSis FB posts are like but I found unfollowing my sister on FB really helpful. It sounds really petty but watching her put up pictures of her and abusive partner and gush about how happy they were are what a great partner he was used to make me furious with impotent rage. By unfollowing I saved myself all that useless energy without the drama of blocking her and making a big thing out of it.

MutantDisco · 31/03/2019 19:49

Can you send her a link to the Freedom Programme?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Original poster
vaper · 31/03/2019 20:54

Thanks for some really helpful advice.
She has 2 children both under 5. One is his the other isn't.
She's already done the freedom programme and found it useful.
I really thought she was leaving him for good this week but she's gone back Sad
I really don't want to go NC, I put my all into supporting her and then when she goes back I just feel like it was for no reason. I know it sounds a bit selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
vaper · 31/03/2019 20:56

She tells me about all the abuse and it plays on my mind for days on end, and then when she gets back with him I just can't deal with it. (I've never told her I can't deal with it).

OP posts:
MamaLovesMango · 31/03/2019 21:05

I hear you. I’ve been there with my own Dsis. It’s awful. I took a massive step back but kept the door wide open for her but made it clear it was only for her (the abusive fuckface knew I was on to him and thankfully chose not to engage). It all came to a head one day, as it always does and she left and came straight to me. I had to be quite forceful with her and home truths were given. I pretty much laid down the law whilst she was with me (I knew she had nowhere else to go!) and killed her with kindness at the same time. She left him and we don’t ever look back.

My advice to you is to not go NC but keep that door open. Keep messages and calls short and light. Perfect your small talk! Don’t talk about him. Don’t voice any judgements and she’ll be back. That’s when you need to be really honest with her. She will leave him. The whole situation did a number on my mental health too but my word, the relief when she finally broke free. Flowers for you.

Bobbycat121 · 31/03/2019 21:09

What are SS saying? im surprised they arent doing more?

Original poster
vaper · 31/03/2019 21:26

Social services are actively involved however she minimises the situations to them.

OP posts:
Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 31/03/2019 21:31

You can suffer secondary ptsd, I think. Lots of issues in my family & I started suffering bad anxiety. No control over the events, either. Can't fix it.

I would take a step back. But I would also talk to the social workers involved...

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