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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is it nothing to do with me?

24 replies

EvilTwins · 31/03/2019 14:27

I teach 6th Form and one of my yr 12 girls (she’s 16) has recently started seeing a 23 yr old man. He’s a TA at our local college - so spends his days teaching kids the same age as her.

I presume her parents are fully aware of it but I find it all a bit odd - specifically because of his job. They do a lot together that he’s clearly paying for - trips to London to the theatre, days out to theme parks and so on.

Not my business? AIBU to be concerned?

OP posts:

Hazlenutpie · 31/03/2019 14:30

I think he is totally out of order ethically. If it were my daughter I would be furious. I don't know what you should do. Perhaps have a word with someone at the college he works at.

SD1978 · 31/03/2019 14:41

If they haven't met through work- he's teaching/involved with any of her friends then ethically he hasn't done anything wrong, morally it's close to the line though. I'd be interested in how they met and if there is any link to his workplace then it comes under safeguarding to me. Using your own pupils to bonk (potentially) their mates is not on. If they randomly met in the pub, then there wouldn't be much anyone could object to, and I assume her parents approve of the relationship is public in Facebook.

hidinginthenightgarden · 31/03/2019 14:44

If they met at an open day for the college then it is a bit suspect. Otherwise, she is 16 and it not ideal but not illegal.

bunchoftulipsanddaffs · 31/03/2019 14:45

Nothing you can do if they are not at the same school/college.

How did you even find out?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 31/03/2019 14:45

Not your business.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 31/03/2019 14:49

It’s really questionable. Do her parents know how old he is? Does he know how old she is?

I wouldn’t be at all happy if it were my 16 year old daughter. Trips to London and theme parks etc sounds suspiciously like grooming to me.

Original poster

EvilTwins · 31/03/2019 14:49

They met through an am dram group so not through one of her friends or whatever. I know because some of the other girls in her class have told me and they think it’s weird.

OP posts:

Original poster

EvilTwins · 31/03/2019 14:51

He def knows how old she is. Don’t want to say too much that might be identifiable but I know him too and he is fully aware that she is 16 and in yr 12.

OP posts:

Hazlenutpie · 31/03/2019 14:53

Trips to London and theme parks etc sounds suspiciously like grooming to me

That's exactly what I think.

Bringbackthestripes · 31/03/2019 15:29

At 16 I had a 22 year old BF so the age thing doesn’t seem strange to me. He had a birthday before me so there was a short time we were 16& 23. We dated for a whole year. He didn’t groom me, I was mature for my age. It was 4 months before we DTD.

They met outside of work & if her parents are aware why do you think you need to be concerned?

Not your business really unless you are about to reveal she is classed as vulnerable or under CAMHS.

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse · 31/03/2019 15:33

Ah this is so tricky...

I would guess that legally, (or whatever the word for complying with college policy is), it’s fine, but morally... I do find it a bit ‘icky’.

It’s not a massive age difference, but it’s the fact she’s 16 which is only just above the age of consent, when he works in a college with other girls that age. It gives me the willies a bit.

If she was 19 and he was 26 I probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

Bluntness100 · 31/03/2019 15:34

As much as technically he is doing nothing wrong, I would be very suspect of a 23 year old man who was sexually interested in 16 year old girls.

However on saying that, I was once that 16 year old girl and dated men older and to be honest, as much as we fooled about, there was no sex and I didn't think it odd at the time.clearly though I'd now freak if it was my daughter, sigh,

DontTouchTheMoustache · 31/03/2019 15:37

When i was 18 I dated a 28 year old. Its not that odd as long as he is not actually her teacher

Tomtontom · 31/03/2019 15:39

There's a big jump from paying for a few treats for your girlfriend to an allegation of grooming. Making such a suggestion on so little information is ridiculous.

HeddaGarbled · 31/03/2019 15:39

You should report it to your designated safeguarding person and then leave it with them to make any decisions. Safeguarding guidelines are quite clear on this - report your concerns, don’t make your own decisions, that’s not your role.

Robin2323 · 31/03/2019 15:40

At 16 I also dated a man at 23.
For a year no grooming.

My son is 23 now and his girlfriends have always been round his age.

Maybe just keep communication open.

Aimily · 31/03/2019 15:42

I wouldn't be over concerned if the way they met was outside of an education environment as you have said.

The age gap isn't a huge deal imo, but then my mum was 16, dad 23 when they met, married just after mum's 19th, had me the following year and in July are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary...

MitziK · 31/03/2019 15:43

You don't know exactly how long he's been showing his interest - whether it could have been from when she was 15, for example.

I'd cover all options by not just reporting it to my DSL, but also contacting the college's one. Let them decide what is appropriate to do with the disclosure, as it's their job to do so.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 31/03/2019 15:44

It’s the fact that he works with other 16 year olds. He obviously finds young people sexually attractive, which isn’t at all appropriate considering his job.

ElizabethMountbatten · 31/03/2019 15:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Alsohuman · 31/03/2019 15:46

If I were her parent and I was cool with it, I’d be very pissed off with you interfering. Age is meaningless, given that she’s over the age of consent, her maturity is the issue here. As you may gather, I was that 16 year old girl once. Reader, I married him.

Blastandbollocks · 31/03/2019 15:47

The alternative is to report it to your LADO.

The mantra for safeguarding should always be, "if in doubt, report".

You'll sleep better knowing that if they say it's fine, then you've at least had it checked. And if it's not fine... well you'll regret it if you don't report it.

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 31/03/2019 15:48

Why haven't you reported it? If its not a problem then no harm done.

Original poster

EvilTwins · 31/03/2019 16:26

Haven't reported it as I was only made aware of it on Friday and my set-up is not standard - I'm not in a school so can't do anything until Monday anyway.

OP posts:

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