Am I being too sensitive about my family?

[marshmallownotmarshmellow]

My mum is unwell- tumour removal last week and radio-and- chemotherapy starting next week. This weekend, my parents travelled five hours away from home to visit my mum's mum, who is also unwell.

Before they decided to visit my grandma, Mum had said she didn't feel up to visitors for Mother's Day. Knowing they were away, I offered to go to theirs today, take care of the plants and do some housework, have lunch ready for them, and eat with them if Mum felt up to it. They said no, that Mum would be too tired and just want to go to bed.

Then, yesterday, two messages came through the family WhatsApp, which seemed like they should be private messages. Mum texted my two siblings separately (but sent on the group chat) to give approximate timings for my parents to go and see them on the journey home today.

To visit my sister, they need to take an hour's detour from their five hour journey. My brother is then a further 30 minutes detour. I live in a town in between my brother and sister, so my parents will drive through my town to get to my brother, but they're haven't made arrangements to drop in and see me.

It's upset me, to be honest. Am I just being overly sensitive?

I’d reply, saying “not stopping off to see me?” And see how she reacts

No Op you’re not being sensitive. That’s really shitty of them and I’d reply to the message and tell them that. Or ask what time they’re coming to yours. I’m sorry for you though, I know how it feels

No, that’s really unkind of them. I think I’d have to let them know I’d seen the message.

Hmmm I’d be upset and call my siblings to see who instigated the visit?

Do your siblings have children? As I’ve found grandparents will often make the effort to see them in preference to their own kids.

Could you ask your dad?

I would be honest and say along the lines of ‘It’s a shame I won’t get to see you.’

Have you seen your parents more recently than your siblings? Do your siblings visit your parents as much as you do?

I can see why this would be hurtful, but there might be a simple explanation? I would just ask...

I’d ask what time you should be expecting them, seeing as they’ll be driving past.
What’s your relationship like normally?

I have basically said that, ILiveInSalemsLot. We have plans to meet up in two weeks as a whole family, and Mum has just said 'See you on the 13th'.

Elizabeth, you might be right. Both my siblings have two children each. I can't have children, though I'd love them.

I can totally understand why you’d feel hurt, especially after being so thoughtful, you sound lovely.
Unless there is a big backstory which it doesn’t sound like there is, I would say your mum is probably just feeling all over the place and hasn’t thought everything through.
She’s going through a lot and I would assume she wants the Dgc to see her ‘well’ and she’s prioritised that knowing her energy is limited on a day to day basis.
It would have been nice if she’d arranged to meet you at one of their houses but I’d give her the benefit of the doubt that it isn’t personal.
Hope you have a good day and that you are coping ok with your mums diagnosis. Tough times for you all, My mum is 9 years cancer free now x

She’s going through a lot and I would assume she wants the Dgc to see her ‘well’ and she’s prioritised that knowing her energy is limited on a day to day basis

Yes- this seems quite likely. If today is a good day (which may be rare- hopefully not) then she probably want the DGC who are probably a lot less understanding to see that.

It's horrible feeling like you matter less because of not having had children yet. Hopefully in other years your mum might have been a bit more sensitive.

Can you do something nice today even if just for an hour or so?

That is shit. I'm sorry OP. I'd be honest & tell them that you feel hurt by this. They could've said why don't you pop to ds house to see us for half an hour.

Im sure she doesn’t mean to hurt you, and I’m sorry if my comment about grandchildren hurts. Simple comments can hurt (and be true) but its hard when you want children and can’t have them.

Hope you can do something nice today x

I think your parents are being cruel. They clearly want to see their grandchildren and not their actual children. I feel a bit sorry for your brother amd sister too - they will play host and be ignored.

Thank you everyone- you've all been very kind. I actually hadn't thought about mum wanting to see the little ones when she's feeling a little more normal and before the therapy kicks in.

There is a more complicated backstory, but I know it muddies my view of things, hence wanting to ask if I was overreacting today. I'm relieved that I'm not just being selfish, but thankful to you all for helping me see things from the outside.

:)

Just to echo the previous posters, I would be hurt too if family did this but I also think they want to see the grandchildren, not their own children really! Very unfortunate way of organising it, though. YANBU.

I am not surprised you feel raw about this OP.

It may also be that the siblings with kids find it harder to travel to them, whereas it sounds as if you do go to your Mum and Dads. Also once chemo starts it can be best to stay away from kids with their frequent coughs, colds etc.

But why the hell did they not just tell you the plan?

You sound like a truly loving, selfless and attentive daughter, and as difficult times are approaching (chemo etc) I would give yourself permission to examine your own boundaries.

How much help are you prepared to give, and can give, without giving too much of yourself and affecting your mental and emotional health?

Be there to help and support when you can, but just check what has happened here and set up a little safety barrier around yourself.

FWIW I think they are effing bonkers to have done a 10 hour return trip in between surgery, when she is still convalescing, and further treatment. In terms of tiredness, potential for infection etc. And I wonder what factors of obligation, guilt and possible manipulation are at play in your wider family.

Take care of yourself, OP.

Your mum is feeling like crap. To do this type of journey after surgery is a bit daft, tbh. Every road jolt is going to hurt but she probs thinks going to see grandkids gets that out of the way before the chemo starts. She's going through hell and trying to please everyone. You have lots more flexibility than your siblings. I do think it is a bit thoughtless and I do think doing this type of visiting is stupid of them but hey ho. At the moment, although I understand the hurt, it isn't about you. She thinks she's going to die, she's going through hell, will go through rigorous, horrible treatment and she possibly is clinging on to the grandkids.

When I had cancer two years ago, neither of my sisters came to visit. I had four operations plus radiotherapy. I wouldn't expect them to visit (a bunch of flowers would have been nice but one sister sent me a knitted boob which was useful and funny). I couldn't cope with my mother coming over being 'busy' and then me having to look after her so that's why they stayed away.

It's all a bit weird the cancer business and anesthetics, fear, coping, making life seem normal for others takes its toll.

My mum was a bit like this during cancer treatment. From the outside it can seem a tad thoughtless but she was just ‘one day at a time’ and didn’t really consider consequences of actions or feelings for that period anymore.
Cancer free now and back to her usual self which is lovely. It’s hard for all, and you can definitely notice the change as people struggle through treatment.