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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Belittled in front of husbands work colleagues

52 replies

tryingtobereal · 30/03/2019 19:22

To be feeling really small.

I work in retail, not my dream job and I’m studying so I can one day find something more along the lines to what my husband does (very skilled office job). But it means I can contribute towards bills and have enough time to spend some quality time with the husband/family. And I actually enjoy selling and helping people.

I was at a dinner party last night, and the host who is a friend we made recently interrupted a conversation I was having with one of my husbands work colleagues to say “ I’m so impressed with you...., you’re not one of those wives who sit on their fat arses, and you work in a shop instead. It’s so impressive you do that, when you could just be at home”. I didn’t think much of it, but if just seemed inappropriate since I was trying to have a serious conversation with this other lady. It also was said in a very patronizing tone and incorrect since I could not do the above even if I wanted to.

Later on in the evening we had to leave somewhat early because I work on Saturdays, we were saying our goodbyes and in a loud tone she said in front of everyone “.....has to leave because his wife works in a shop, and they start really early. Don’t you have to wake up in the early hours? I feel so sorry for you but I think it’s so impressive ....that you do this”.

I guess in word format it sounds silly. I felt so belittled, because it’s already awkward enough for me in these situations when I can’t join in the conversations as I’m not networked in their circles. But it was done in a loud patronizing manner in front of guests and my husbands colleagues. She herself has a top job in the city and everyone in the room is very much on the same line. She does not work with my husband though.

Am I being crazy to feel this way? I can’t shrug the feeling off.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 30/03/2019 21:51

What a patronising cunt! Not worth a moment more of your thoughts.

Italiangreyhound · 30/03/2019 21:58

Please let that feeling go, OP. As others have said, she is a total arse and incredibly rude. My guess is other guests were hugely embarrassed for her being such a twat.

Mumsymumphy · 30/03/2019 22:33

For whatever reason, she felt jealous of you.

I can pretty much guarantee anyone there with half a brain & not up their own arse would have been thinking "What an absolute bitch!"

PregnantSea · 31/03/2019 08:42

My husband and I both have what you would describe as well respected careers, and if I was one of the women at that party I would have thought that woman was being a total wanker. She sounds very insecure and I'm impressed you didn't tell her to fuck off. You didn't need to though, she made herself look stupid on all her own.

No one worth caring about would have thought any less of you because of her comments. They were probably all shocked and appalled by what she said.

Whereareyouspot · 31/03/2019 08:51

If it helps OP I can assure you the only one people would have been cringing for was her

The other guests will know exactly what a twattish thing that was for her to say.

You know you have nothing to apologise for or defend to anyone else
Do your thing
Who cares what her job is.

She’s being patronising and she knows it. Or should if she had an ounce of sense.

Avoid her from now on but if you do get forced to see her I’d be calling her out- privately one on one- and saying her loud comment about your work was not called for and felt patronising. Then refuse to discuss further when she doubtless gushes about only wanting to tell everyone how marvellous you are!

toomuchtooold · 31/03/2019 09:00

I used to work in the city (nothing very high powered ) and I think there's an attitude among some of the folk in the more high powered roles that you basically have to shite all over everyone, all the time. Always competing and always on. Even trying to get out of a commuter train in Cannon Street station is a joy because there are so many of them falling over each other trying to win the race to the ticket machine as if the additional fifteen seconds they'd spend at work were going to put an extra hundred grand on their bonus or something.

londonrach · 31/03/2019 09:09

Toomuch. You right. Its not want matters in life.

Op...everyone now knows what a bitch she is. She feels threatened by you

IamMoana · 31/03/2019 09:11

Being a bar maid in a not so nice pub was one of the best times of my life. The abuse I used to get, and the sneers. I was just a student, and the customers were paying my wages. Nope, I worked (still do) for a bank and was doing the pub work on the side to further my savings. The best part was I met my husband at said bar, 10 years married and a beautiful daughter. Saw the very worst in people, but it taught me what I was worth. Let them judge you, but never judge yourself. You've got it right.

MissHemsworth · 31/03/2019 09:12

OP I have a similar job to you (I work in hospitality though) & also have a 'friend' like yours who has made similar comments.

Now the irony is that they make these derogatory comments but simultaneously are seen to be regularly using your services. Especially over Christmas when hospitality/retail workers do all the hours to facilitate 'work do's' for people like her but at the same time it is implied it is not a proper job.

Cinnamon12345 · 31/03/2019 09:15

I once had someone say ' how do you do your job, it must be so boring'. I've now been doing it for 36 years...

Auramigraine · 31/03/2019 09:16

What a bitch!! She’s jealous of you for some reason and was trying to put you down to make herself feel better...... put it to the back of your mind and move on, seriously not worth your time.

After my first DC I worked on checkouts at a supermarket for a bit as it was the only thing that would work around my partners hours and brought a little extra cash in, I was 29 at the time and I remember seeing and serving people I went to school/college with who would not even say hi and pretend not to know me. It affected me for a while then I thought eff you! I’m making a living for my child and who cares what you think. The cheeky gets still had me on social media aswell so I soon sorted that out.
Rise above OP, she’s really not worth it xx

Ps. For what it’s worth I’ve worked in office jobs and checkouts and the amount of sh*t you get in retail I would honestly say it’s a bloody hard job!!

user1471426142 · 31/03/2019 09:22

She was being mean but also in a clever way. I’d normally be one to stick up for others but I honestly don’t know what I would have said to counteract her comments without causing more embarrassment to you. This is perhaps why others didn’t jump in.

The world would be a happier place if everyone was forced to do a retail job. There are such arses around that treat people in low paid work like crap.

flumpybear · 31/03/2019 09:27

What a cow!
I'm with those who said she's jealous either if you if perhaps she's got the hots for your husband

Everyone there would have thought she was a twat

I worked loads of jobs st uni when others didn't (I wasn't married with kids) and I remember going for my first interview after my PhD die a scientist job and the bloke who interviewed me kept asking questions about my other jobs, it was getting a bit embarrassing that kenkept on about the crappy temp office jobs I'd done and shop work ... eventually (he was a bit
Gobby as I began to realise when I worked there) he said 'what I'm asking you Flumpy is how can you possibly do these jobs whilst being in full time education 'ahh I said, well I worked holidays, lunch times at uni in that job, Sunday's in that job, weekends in the shop' .... he proceeded to tell me that he's never seen a cv before where somebody has worked so hard to get their edication and he said he 'took his hat off to my hard work' believe me thst was a big complement for him
Be proud you're doing your bit 😉

FairyMoppings · 31/03/2019 09:31

Shes a snotty stuck up bitch. It's almost like she was worried her guests would unwittingly discover a lowly retail worker was eating at her table, possibly when you were talking to the other lady, so decided to interupt you, announce your occupation herself and give you her transparently insincere 'compliment' but ultimately condescending, as a way to save face and still feel like the superior one.

I would decline any further social invitations from her. She's not a nice person and therefore not good enough for you to waste your time on.

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 31/03/2019 09:35

But she said it was impressive, perhaps you misread her op?
would you take offence if you were a nurse for example, and had to leave because you had an early start?
perhaps you are looking to be offended, feel ashamed.

MulticolourMophead · 31/03/2019 09:55

@Hyacintharehighersincelasttime OP says the tone of voice was patronizing, and given the whole set of comments, I wouldn't be thinking OP misheard, especially given the comment about wives sitting on their fat arses.

Yabbers · 31/03/2019 10:06

But she said it was impressive, perhaps you misread her op?
I think it’s impressive how you can read this thread and still think the woman wasn’t being very rude. It takes quite a lot of effort to ignore what is right in front of your face. Well done!

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 31/03/2019 10:12

be proud of your job op. dont put yourself down or your job.
what does your dh make of it?
did other people think she was rude or genuinely impressed with you?

Frazzled2207 · 31/03/2019 19:42

She was def an arse. Sorry.

BerrowHarm · 31/03/2019 20:04

She’ll be calling up asking to use your staff discount to buy a big-ticket item, and expect you to pay for it in advance and lug it round to her house!

BerrowHarm · 31/03/2019 20:05

In which case tell her to sod off!

Whatthefoxgoingon · 31/03/2019 20:08

Ah yes.

We’ve all met one of these ridiculous people whose own sense of worth is wholly dependent on their bank balance and putting others down. Pity them.

PuppyMonkey · 31/03/2019 20:16

Not sure how you can “misread” someone who says it’s impressive you go and work in a shop rather than stay at home sitting on your fat arse. Am I missing some subtle subtext?

dangerrabbit · 31/03/2019 20:22

What I would do in that situation is smile and say “thank you!” While staring her right in the eyes a little too long with a death stare.

KC225 · 31/03/2019 20:47

At university and briefly dating a guy who invited me to a posh works dinner. I was also working on a make up counter part time. A girl opposite sniggered and said 'well I suppose some has to' Loud enough for everyone to hear. Then the bosses wife a booming Margaret Thatcher type, said 'You work on a make up counter is that right?' I was cringing, then she said 'Fantastic, finally someone to teach me how to do a smokey eye, I desperate to learn'. She made a big fuss of me and I have never forgotten how she swooped down and saved me from humiliation.

It does sound like the woman was making a passive aggressive dig. Some people can't cope with the attention elsewhere.

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