AIBU to ask what sort of advice to give my 8 yr old son?

[VeepVeep]

Hello.

My 8 yr old son is definitely struggling with friendships at school. One close boy friend, and a couple of girl friends (but they don't play together at school) but he seems to have detached himself from the rest of the boys.

We think that's because of a mix of reasons - he's v bright and an over thinker and he also def has nerves (some tics that go into overdrive in certain situations) and a default position of stepping back warily and even, possibly, judging others (or forming ideas in his head about them) that keeps him on the sidelines.

For example, footie in the park. He played for a while with some older boys (he's v sporty) and then got the hump and stood back. A boy from his class then came and got involved and apparently was v friendly but DS wasn't as friendly back.

It's hard to explain. He wants the friendships and when he feels relaxed, it's a joy to watch.

He needs to lose his self consciousness, get stuck in.

But how do I explain this to him without him a) feeling bad about himself b) in a language that makes sense to him i.e so he can understand in practical terms how he can help himself?

Hope I've made sense. Thanks

Does he have some Sen?

No

an over thinker and he also def has nerves (some tics that go into overdrive in certain situations)

I'd guess there are SEN issues, but of course on line diagnosis isn't appropriate.

My DS13 had no close friends at primary. Senior school has changed everything. He's got quite a few friends now and two really good ones. Hang in there but I know it's hard

I understand this is really hard for you OP and you just want to help him, but to some extent I think you need to just let him discover it himself. Part of what they learn at school isn't just the academic stuff, but also the social side of things. You can encourage him give him some little tips ("that was nice of Sam to be friendly to you during the football, wasn't it? Would you like to invite him over to play after school one day?") but I'd keep it fairly casual and let him learn by experience.

It might also be worth having a chat with his teacher. Say it's something you're worried about and ask her to keep an eye on him.

Does he have siblings OP?

Do you play with him? I mean play of any kind? Racing? Sports? Board game? Maths games? Construction stuff like Lego?

It's the way they play with us that often sets the tone for wider relationships. He will learn sportsmanship, sharing, how to win and lose with grace, turn taking and a hundred other social mores through play and you can help with this by demonstrating how it's done.

I think saying too much and giving advice is counterproductive with a youngster prone to over analysis.
Just encourage doing things and keep it positive.

Thank you all.

I genuinely don't think there are SEN issues. I have given it a lot of thought and explored it.

He is an only child but are in a community where there are lots of kids around and both me and his dad are social; frequently have groups over, see friends with kids every weekend - to take the pressure off school. I am always having his close friends over. Plus, we play with him A LOT. I am not big on letting him spend much time on computer games - we're quite controlling and constrict - but he watches TV daily. Otherwise,we play ball games, board games, create story books (I'm a writer), drawing, baking, maths stuff, lego - everything that was mentioned above. Plus he likes reading and listening to audiobooks. I'd like think he has lots of examples of how to model behaviour. And - he and I can talk about stuff and he gets it.

I know I probably just have to let him just get on with it. I understand that. It's really hard. I want others to see how brilliant he is and I hate seeing him sabotage that.

I also suspect that like one of the posters above, he may well come into his own at secondary.

It doesn't stop me worrying now, though.

You sound like a lovely mum.

I don't mean this in an unkind way, but one thing stood out in your post. "I want others to see how brilliant he is". That's quite a lot of pressure, for him and for others, if you see what I mean. He can't be brilliant (or even good) all the time. When you say he sabotages this, another way of looking at it could be that he behaves imperfectly/unattractively sometimes like all of us.

I'm veering towards let him be - you sound great, he sounds great, and you can't micro-manage all his experiences or relationships.

Thanks @Gower4 - that's really helpful. And true! I don't want to put pressure on him. I need to let him just find his own way

My experience is that a lot of issues at eight years old will resolve given time and patience.

It sounds like he has opportunities to mix and make friends so I would expect that given time it will happen. Especially as you say he does have one or two friends already.

If he expresses frustration with school at the moment it might be worth a chat with the teacher.

Thank you all

He has close friends, and isn’t being friendly to others where you think he should - it doesn’t sound like he feels he needs more friends, just that you think he should. I’d let him be.

@FennellaMaxwell - that's not an accurate précis of what I said - at all - but thank you for your input

I am always having his close friends over

A boy from his class then came and got involved and apparently was v friendly but DS wasn't as friendly back

That’s literally what you said.

The phrase about wanting others to see his brilliance really struck me too as well as the opening statement about being v bright. That's a lot of pressure and applied in the wrong direction. You really need to accept him for him and allow him space to fail. Navigating friendships is a separate skill and takes time whether you are bright or average. I expect you see him as mature in many other ways -
common with a bright child - but in his social interaction, he's just an 8 year old boy who is learning still.

@FenellaMaxwell - yes, you're right. I think it is inaccurate but actually, it's because I didn't convey that it upsets him, that's he's not ok with it. It's not me forcing these expectations on him.

That said, @ShowOfHands - you are also right. I would hate to think he feels under pressure but perhaps he does. I need to let him get on with it