To not give him money

[Isis1981uk]

Trying to summarise as much as possible!

• I separated from my husband (together for 12 yrs, married for 9) -my choice, no dramas just not right for each other- last year.
• Initially we were going to sell the house, both walk away with £90,000 each and either buy/rent somewhere separately. No question that the kids (7 & 3) were going to live with me.
• Before this happened, my ex suggested that the best thing for the kids was for me to stay in the family home with them. I agreed but hadn't raised it myself as I felt it wasn't morally right to break up with him, but then not sell the house so he could have his share.
• My kids and I stayed in the house and I started paying the mortgage by myself.
• Just before he moved out I received a £31,000 redundancy payment. My ex never asked for any of it but I gave him £3,000 to pay a deposit on a rental house, first month's rent, furniture etc.
• I then moved £20,000 into a savings account for our kids' future. It's their money. The remainder was in my savings as my new income (post redundancy) was much lower so it was for stand-by for emergencies, to dip into in leaner months or in case my work situation suddenly changed. I also spent £2000 paying off our joint overdraft so his name could be taken off it.
• For context, my ex is completely helpless & has no common sense. Lived with his parents until he was 30, I did everything from putting out bins to paying bills, to booking holidays, to buying our house etc He'd never had to budget or figure out what we could afford, I did all of that.
• He did not budget his new life well, renting a 2 bed house which was too much a month. He pays me £250 a month child support (less than he'd pay through the CSA but I don't mind as I know he's broke) which is immediately eaten up by nursery fees and/or After School club costs.
• Every so often he starts telling me about his financial issues, asking me for money to tide him over. I'm not rolling in money (I refuse to touch the kids' savings, and the £4000 or so emergency savings are just that, to pay the mortgage or replace appliances if I am short of money). I know if I keep giving him money he won't budget it, he'll just spend until it's gone then be back in the same position. And, in the nicest possible way, unless it impacts the kids, he's not my responsibility anymore.
• We've both moved on emotionally, we both have new partners, but it's still his habit to expect me to solve his problems, and it's still my habit to want to help. I feel incredibly guilty as he is emotionally unstable but the rational part of myself says he should be turning to his parents, sisters, or girlfriend first when he has an issue, not me.
• My boyfriend & sister agree he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and figure it out himself as he's now 43.
• I did suggest lots of practical solutions initially - moving to a one bed flat and having a sofa bed for the kids (they only stay every other weekend due to the distance between us), selling his car (owned outright & still worth £10,000) and buying a cheaper one, or finding a job he could bus to or walk to (I don't have a car & walk to work/nursery/school) etc Longer term, my boyfriend & I are hoping to buy a house together in around 2 years, so he'd get easily £90-100,000 profit then, but I currently can't afford to buy him out.

I guess I'm just looking for validation that I'm not being a horrible person by not just giving him more money. If I thought it was a one-off to help him out of a hole I'd be more likely to do it but it will just keep happening whilst he doesn't manage his finances properly.

I'd move onto divorce and work out a proper financial settlement

I think you have been very reasonable and responsible in the way you manage your money. I don’t think you should help him out more. He has to take responsibility for his own life.

Look after yourself and your children. He needs to grow up.

I wouldn't give him any money but I suppose his money tied up into the house needs to be considered. I would be wanting to get that sorted asap

Don't give him any more money. If he is owed any money from the house you need to sort it legally, and quickly. He is never going to need to stand on his own two feet if he knows you will feel guilty and emotionally blackmailed into bailing him out.

I guess the main issue is that we both want the kids to have the stability of their same home & school - I wouldn't be able to afford another mortgage in the area on my own & renting would take my entire income (my mortgage payment is almost a third of what rent would be for the same property).

As there is 'no fault' as such, we'd agreed not to divorce until we'd been living apart for two years, by which point I should be in a position to sell the house & buy one with my boyfriend.

You need legal advice. Tbf he has £100,000 in the house so your finances need to be sorted. Lots of people sadly have to move/downsize when they divorce or separate (me included) but then it’s a clean break and neither party should be asking for money.

I'm not sure you should be splitting the house 50:50.

Especially as you're now paying the mortgage alone. If you have the children most of the time, I think you might be entitled to more than 50% of it.

So I agree - time to get the divorce started, and get a lawyer to get the best financial settlement for you. If you think about it, the money currently in the house will eventually be left to your children (thinking decades ahead here!) and do you trust exh to wisely invest in order to a) pay for his own old age and b) leave something for his (adult) children? Or do you think the bulk of the money in the house might be more wisely invested by you?

If he's entitled to £100k from the house and needs it now then it's not really fair to keep it from him.

He wants the kids to be settled & not moved out of their home, as do I. If I moved it would have to be a rental taking all my income or outside if the area meaning school changes for our son who is very settled. He hasn't asked me to sell the house, just to lend money here & there. Neither of us wants to unsettle the kids.

Would it be possible to take the savings from the kids and give that to him for now to get him off your back for money and make it into a contract so when you do sell the house, you then take £20k of his share to replace the kids savings a few years down the line?

Totally agree with PP you need to sort this out once and for all officially now.

I don't think your being horrible not to just give him money but I don't think the current set up is fair either.

He is owed 90k and is waiting for that until you are ready to move. Yes he could make different choices but so could you. If it were me I would obviously get it all sorted legally but I would be inclined to give him a part payment now whatever you can afford (including the savings for the kids future but not the emergency savings). Take that off what he is owed at the end. In 2 years pay him the rest of what is owed and replace from the house sale the kids future fund (they aren't likely to need the money in the next 2 years.) That's the fairest way I can see. But I wouldn't give him anything more with out it being in writing legally binding

That's practical though it sounds like you also need to disengage a bit and let him figure out his own problems.

It's tricky. He doesn't sound like an arsehole. He sounds like he's made some sacrifices so the children can remain settled but I still don't think it's your place to sub him money.