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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daddy can’t help!

22 replies

Friedeggsandcustard · 29/03/2019 14:06

More of a WWYD...

DCs (3 and 5) want me to do everything, especially toothbrushing getting dressed etc.

DH is fairly hands on but I have been the SAHM (now part time) and he works FT so up to now I have just done most of it. Both DCs but DC2 in particular now refuse to let him help. ( DC1 can of course be independent but we don’t always have enough time in the mornings). Both wait for me to sort them out, even though DH is there trying to sort them out. This then leaves me with no time to get ready myself.

I know DH is less familiar with their routines etc but on my workdays I really need him to sort it ( which he wants to do!), how can I persuade DCs to cooperate? (DC2 is VERY strong willed and it is impossible to dress him/clean teeth without his cooperation)

OP posts:

Jackshouse · 29/03/2019 14:09

He needs to take them out for a few hours every weekend without you or his parents! This way he will build on his relationship with them.

NuffSaidSam · 29/03/2019 14:09

DH just has to do it.

You're the parents. Take control!

Be consistent. They'll get the message fairly quickly.

sillysmiles · 29/03/2019 14:15

You need to support your husband and tell DC2 to stop acting up and do as he is told and cooperate with DH.

Original poster

Friedeggsandcustard · 29/03/2019 14:18

Doh sillysmiles I hadn’t thought of that one.

Seriously I have tried just going out etc. and i have come home hours later to DC2 in PJs...

OP posts:

TheOrigFV45 · 29/03/2019 14:40

You don't persuade the kids, you just let your DH get on with it.

If the kids are still in PJs after 2hrs of being left with your DH then he's clearly not taking charge of the situation.

edwardcullensotherwoman · 29/03/2019 14:40

It's difficult - I've been there myself with DDs, bedtime was sometimes still is the issue for us. I'm out one night a week on a course so they have no choice and mostly behave.

BUT they then wanted me every other night of the week! The only thing that worked was sheer determination - you have to be EVEN MORE strong willed than DC2 and stand your ground. It's really hard. It it's the only thing that worked.

TeenTimesTwo · 29/03/2019 15:01

Pick a weekend when there is something they really want to do.
Tell them they have to be ready by X time, that you are going back and will be back at X. Go out, if when you get home they aren't ready say 'what a shame now we can't do Y'.

Then the next time, say 'remember how we couldn't do Y because you didn't get ready with Daddy? Well we can do Y today if you are ready when I get back' etc etc.

Plus. No toys, tv or food or playing with an adult before being ready.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/03/2019 15:04

I found with my first she did understand turn taking. She wanted me to put her to bed all the time but we explained daddy was upset as he never got a turn of bedtime and we'd be taking it in turns. She wasn't happy but did let us do it and now it's just routine.

My second is much more strong willed though so not sure that would work all the time

Namelessinseattle · 29/03/2019 15:06

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He needs to realize that even if he’s cross or firm sometimes he’ll still have their love and an amazing relationship if he wants it.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 29/03/2019 15:09

Easier said than done maybe, but you’re going to have to both be firmer with them. “No mummy isn’t getting you ready this morning, daddy is” you don’t need to persuade them of anything- you’re in charge, not them. And I say this as the mother of 2 stubborn, strong willed children of my own.

Wavingwhiledrowning · 29/03/2019 15:11

Exact same thing here. If I had a pound for every time I heard "mummy do!" I'd be rich!! I used to just give in and do it because it meant things actually got done instead of us having yet another argument, but I was getting totally exhausted, and DH was getting pretty exasperated with it all.

Now I say "No. Mummy is not doing it. Daddy is." (and often then just walk off and leave them). Eventually they started to get the message that we decide who does what, not them.

WanderingAimlessly · 29/03/2019 15:18

It took a trip to nursery still in pjs to stop my DS then 3 to stop arsing about in the morning trying to play us off each other. Daddy helps you get dressed or you go as you are, we’re not going to be late because of this.

Babdoc · 29/03/2019 15:23

OP, who is in charge in your house, the adults or the children? Because it sounds like the latter!
You and DH need to get a grip of this right now, because if you can’t control a 5 year old, God help you when you have teenagers to contend with.
There shouldn’t be any discussion - it’s just a case of “Daddy is doing x with you this morning, Im doing y with you tomorrow.” Leave DH to assert his own authority and get on with it himself.
If the kids don’t co-operate, as a PP said, make sure they suffer the consequences. “Oh dear, you wouldn’t get ready in time, now we can’t go to the park/swimming pool/insert fun activity of choice...”
I was a widow and single parent from when the kids were babies, and I had no time to mess about in the mornings, or anyone to help with it. The kids knew not to give me any nonsense and that I had to get to work on time. I always gave them a reason for why they had to do things, and choices where possible, and they learned to accept that.
You and DH both need to believe in your own authority, and project calm confidence when handling the kids. “Firm, fair and consistent” is the approach to aim for.
Good luck, OP!

averythinline · 29/03/2019 15:38

You need to put your foot down with the dc...
you could go the slow way and normalise - visual timetable etc ...so sticker for whose in charge and what needs to be done and reward for doing...
or the
Daddies doing it and walking off.....they all need to learn to get it together so DH needs to get on with it !..

123 magic is a good book approach... there is how to talk so children listen but it works better if slightly older i think...

Armadillostoes · 29/03/2019 15:43

Agree with other posters, this behaviour needs consequences just like any other unacceptable behaviour. They need to get nothing positive in reward for this, least of all attention from you.

Original poster

Friedeggsandcustard · 29/03/2019 17:36

Thanks for the helpful suggestions. I think a visual timetable would be good for DC2... and DH who does struggle with effective discipline.—they walk all over him till he gets grumpy—

That and for me to grow a thicker skin when the chaos starts!

OP posts:

Original poster

Friedeggsandcustard · 29/03/2019 17:36

I’m away for a few days very soon and I know they’ll manage fine.. its mainly just when the kids know I am here...

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 09/04/2019 17:13

I've seen this with my sis-in law and her DH and kids. Ultimately to me it speaks of her undermining her DH and getting annoyed that he hasn't done it her way. I think you need to look at your behaviour in this - not the DCs and DH.

Dishwashersaurous · 09/04/2019 17:22

Actually at 3 and 5 with the exception of teeth cleaning they shouldn’t need any help to get dressed at all.

So to address that particular issue you say right time to get dressed. I’ll do your teeth when you are dressed.

Therefore neither of you are doing it. And it isn’t a battle about who is doing it

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2019 17:26

Stop allowing your children to run the house. You make the rules and there should be consequences of those rules are broken. Back talk and not cooperating is totally unacceptable. I highly recommend you get a handle on this before they get older.

IncrediblySadToo · 09/04/2019 17:41

and i have come home hours later to DC2 in PJs...

Say what?

I couldn’t live with someone so inept they could get a child dressed.

It’s irrelevant that they want Mummy, Daddy is doing it.

Honestly, don’t start with charts and rewards and all of that. Just be firm ‘Mummy is getting ready for work, Daddy is helping you this morning’. Do NOT say ‘Mummy will do x with you at x time’ because that just reinforces that Mummy is The Best Option.

It’s not easy, but it’s a good thing that they learn you’re equal parents.

PotteringAlong · 09/04/2019 17:43

He’s 3! Pin him down and put his trousers on if need be, surely?

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