I don't really know how to explain this succinctly so I'll just write how I feel.
I would really like to have DC but I'm terrified of being a mother like mine was to me. My grandma (her mother) was just like her as well and although I've made a conscious effort all my life to not be like her, I'm scared what if I become like her one day.
She was toxic - domineering, I was terrified of her as a kid, she pushed me so much at school and would tell me what a failure I was if I didn't get the best grades, I was bullied, timid and had no friends, she's always tried to dictate my life choices and got nasty with me when I've made my own. She's hysterical, screams and shouts, talks over me, treats me like a child, is vile about people she doesn't even know, every single thing she says is negative, she can't enjoy anything. I'm currently going through a divorce and was diagnosed with ptsd as a result of my STBXH behaviour (I put up with so much because I didn't appreciate what normal was) but all she can do is tell me how her life has been so much harder than mine if I as much as mention my divorce proceedings. Every problem I've ever had in my life, she has had so much worse. She seems to think she's in a competition to look better than me. She goes on about how attractive she is and how she could have any man she wants. Her comments about things like gay people are vile and she is so prudish, judgmental and damning of people it's horrible to listen to. She can't accept that women can be gay and that's absolutely fine and that some people are bi and that's fine too. If you disagree with her about anything she gets nasty. She shouts at people in the street if she they're doing something they aren't supposed to be.
I am absolutely terrified of ending up with her and I don't want a child to be exposed to her behaviour because I'm scared it would mess them up like it messed me up (clinging on to horrible men, serious MH issues in my early 20s and suicide attempt that should have been fatal given the details).
I worry because it's a genuine possibility that I could be a single parent one day and because I have some physical difficulties, I don't want to be in a position where I'd be reliant on her for help and she'd be having a horrible effect on any children I had. An ex even said to me that if we had any DC he wouldn't want them spending much time with her.
Thank you for reading. I don't feel I can talk to anyone in RL about this because people who have met her don't see that side of her and think she seems nice.