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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel in despair about my situation

76 replies

nannytothequeen · 29/03/2019 07:14

I have been diagnosed with lung cancer. I need surgery and this cannot happen locally. I have to go to a far away city. The health authority will fly me there but I am not allowed to fly back. I can think of no one to ask to come and collect me. It's just too far. The hospital are suggesting the bus and I have discovered that the journey will take 8 hours. 8 hours on a bus after serious lung surgery. And then I get home and there is no one to help me. I am on my own with my 2 kids. And don't even ask me what I am going to do with the kids whilst I am in hospital, because I have no idea.

I have no family apart from the kids. I don't have a network of amazing friends. Other friends are really busy and I cannot ask for help. I will feel like such a burden. I am lost. Entirely.

OP posts:

CallItLoneliness · 29/03/2019 10:38

OP I am from NZ, and if I lived at home I would fly down to Nelson and take care of your children until you were allowed to fly again. In the meantime, have you checked in with the cancer society? They have transport and accommodation services--here is their link for Nelson cancernelson.org.nz/cancer-support/nelson-local-support-services/#cancer-family-support

Rangoon · 29/03/2019 14:26

The Ministry of Health does have travel and accommodation assistance for some people. See www.health.govt.nz/your-health/services-and-support/health-care-services/hospitals-and-specialist-services/travel-assistance to see if you qualify.

Stargazer888 · 29/03/2019 14:35

Can the kids stay with him for a couple of weeks?

CSIblonde · 29/03/2019 14:50

Cancernz.Org.Nz website states it can offer help with accommodation & transport costs OP. There's on online query form or Tel. 0800 559 009. Social Services would help with short term Foster care too, I had a friend resort to this before I knew her. Very best wishes for your recovery

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/03/2019 16:12

I am so sorry OP. Your Ex is a cunt.

As your DC are 12 would they be able to stay with some school friends?

Fridasrage · 29/03/2019 16:28

For the love of god please, please ask your friends for help.

I don't think there's a single acquaintance of mine that i wouldn't be willing to drive across country for and help with housework and kids if they had lung cancer and didn't have a support network.

people can be a lot kinder than you may think, give them the chance

Dillydallyingthrough · 29/03/2019 16:41

OP please don't feel you can't ask your busy friends. I had an acquaintance at work who I barely knew, one day she looked distant in a meeting, as we walked out I asked of she was OK, she broke down and was in a similar situation to you. Her children stayed with me for a week when she was in hospital and I visited twice daily in the second week whilst she recovered. You would be surprised how many people would help if they knew your predicament - I had only met her 4 times at various meetings before that day (we are now good friends) but the moment she told me I wanted to help.

I hope your surgery and recovery go well, wishing you good health

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 29/03/2019 16:54

So sorry to hear this and wish you well. What about asking at the university? There will be students with cars who will be happy to drive you.

arkela · 29/03/2019 17:02

I just wanted to chime in to encourage you to ask people. Even if you don't feel particularly close, in your circumstances you'll be surprised who's willing to help. I'm sorry this is adding more anxiety in an already-stressful situation.

Smelborp · 29/03/2019 17:03

I second reaching out to your children’s friends. If any of the parents of my children’s friends were going through this, we’d find room for them.

Sorry you’re going through this on top of the diagnosis OP. It’s shit.

shesgrownhorns · 29/03/2019 17:03

OP don't rule out social services.They are there primarily to help and the vast majority of experiences with them are positive. It's just that we don't hear about those so much. Wishing you well x

Babyroobs · 29/03/2019 17:18

The hospital will surely have to help with transport after major surgery ? macmillan will help with a one off grant for extra financial needs related to your cancer diagnosis but it does depend on savings/ income etc. Macmillan also have partnerships with local volunteers and charities who can help you practically whilst you recover , so for example they may have involvement with a scheme with local students who volunteer to do some housework for you or walk your dog for a few weeks while you recover. please ring their helpline - they can advise on what is available in your local area in the way of practical and emotional support and also help with financial / benefits advice. whatever your needs are they have someone who can help or will hopefully know of someone who can help. You can also get support from your clinical Nurse specialist or social services if there is no one to look after your children. Hope all goes well with the surgery.

Babyroobs · 29/03/2019 17:20

Sorry just read you are from new Zealand so all the macmillan stuff wont be relevant but there will be some similar organisation who can help I'm sure.

flitwit99 · 29/03/2019 22:30

I have absolutely nothing useful to add, I'm sorry. But I hope you can find a solution. And I hope your treatment goes smoothly. Sometimes life deals you a really shitty hand and it's just not fair. I hope you can find a way through.

Original poster

nannytothequeen · 30/03/2019 01:31

I have made a start. I have asked a friend and will call the cancer society on Monday.

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 30/03/2019 01:53

Well done op :) I gather that was tough for you.

I wish you all the luck in the world regarding your operation and future.
Love from the other side of the world :)

Decormad38 · 30/03/2019 01:59

Sometimes in life you have to reach out and not assume other people can’t help. Also contact charities see if their network can help. Or go to the local paper as someone out there would love to help but you will never know. Or crowdfund for a taxi.

pandora206 · 30/03/2019 02:39

Would you not be able to fly, as flights from Nelson to Christchurch are around an hour? This isn't the cheapest way but would cut the journey time hugely.

polarpig · 30/03/2019 02:54

Well done OP. I know it's hard but you have made the right decision. FWIW I wouldn't want to ask anybody either but it's one of those times when you have to swallow your pride and get on with it isn't it?

RumerGodden · 30/03/2019 03:12

second asking school parents. i would take kids whose parents were in your position in a shot, even if we didn't know them very well (better if they knew my kids a little so they felt something was familiar). FInd a parent you know a little, ask for help. Pick someone who is a good organiser!

I can guarantee you kiwis will step up effortlessly to help out, billet your kids, help when you get back etc. Lived there for a while and never had so much help from mere acquaintances and enjoyed the giving of help too....

spatchcock · 30/03/2019 04:02

"Would you not be able to fly, as flights from Nelson to Christchurch are around an hour?"

This was addressed in the OP. She isn't allowed to fly.

I agree about reaching out to someone in real life. Don't just assume no one will help. Also, post on local Facebook groups or go to you local paper.

Inneedofadvice27 · 30/03/2019 08:09

Hey OP, I just PM’d you asking when you need to go chch to Nelson cause I live in chch and if I possibly could I would drive you home.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 30/03/2019 08:23

That’s a lovely offer, Inneedofadvice! MN at its best!!!!!

Original poster

nannytothequeen · 30/03/2019 09:25

I can see I have some pms. I have no idea how to access them. Sorry v

OP posts:

FoxFoxSierra · 30/03/2019 09:32

Until I saw your post that you live in NZ I was going to message you and offer to help and I don't even know you! People will help you if you ask. Maybe you could try putting something on Facebook? Don't get too stressed about the bus journey, its not going to be fun but you have no alternative so you are just going to have to find a way to get through it

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