To not get involved in school dramas?

[Amber1079]

When I was growing up my parents never got involved in any issues I had with friends. These days quite a few mums I know seem to get involved in everything that happens between the kids, and there seems to be a lot of tiger mum protecting going on. I'd say especially amongst the girls, but with the boys too. Genuine question, why do some parents get so involved? I don't mean about bullying here, I mean general day to day disagreements between friends, for instance one friend was telling me about another mum approaching her on the morning school run, and scheduling in a meeting after school for them both with their year 4 sons. This was to discuss a pretty minor disagreement between the boys about who was better at football, and her child was upset that his friend was being cocky that he was better.

I've heard 2 mums arguing at the school gates, because one child had let it slip at school that the other child (their friend) was on holiday for the last 2 days of term. The mum who'd been on holiday and said her child was ill had been called in by the school and was livid with the other mum, saying that the child had "grassed" her child up. I've also recently had my dd's friend's mum texting me about a disagreement they had, over who to pick as a partner on the school trip, they're in a group of 4 friends and they often swap about with 2 getting close one week and a different 2 the next. Sometimes the other 2 in the group feel left out, I know my dd does, but it's year 4 now not reception so I want her to build up some resilience with these things. I sympathise with her, but remind her friendships shift around a lot at that age (and often throughout our lives) and she can't control what others do, just be honest with them about her feelings if she's really upset. The mum of dd's friend had text me to say she'd come home and cried all evening about feeling left out when my dd chose another friend from their group as her partner on the school trip. Ironically the week before it had been my dd coming home upset, and we had tears over this girl and another friend leaving her out at play time, not waiting for her to finish her lunch etc. I didn't start texting the two other mums though to tell them my dd was upset and in tears! She's done it before actually, I didn't know what to say the first time, so ended up apologising for my dd which I then felt guilty and terrible about, as she hadn't actually done anything wrong but the girl's mum had made me feel like she had! How involved do others get in their kids day to day issues at school or with friends? Maybe IABU not interfering ahem, I mean getting involved more?

My DD10 has ASD and struggles hugely with friendships but has a huge circle of girls she's friends with. They have almost daily squabbles but I never get involved.
I had contact from her BFFs mum a couple of weeks ago about a falling out, not because she thought we should get involved, but simply because she was concerned about how upset her DD was and wanted my help to try and find out if there was anything else going on.
This group of parents (mothers really) seem to have A good grip on the balance.

YANBU, I stay out of it unless I believe my DC’s are being bullied but even then I don’t approach the parents.

I have 5 kids and i think i went to someones door twice in all that time.A lot of parents jumping in head first are not doing their kids any favours.

I have had the same parents at my door over silly things.And usually hen you see them coming you roll your eyes and just not even listen to them.

I think as much as you might want to protect your children, at some point you need to let them just get on with their own friendships.

It's harder when you adopt the parents in the playground as your own friends, so when your DC come home and complain that someone didn't play with them that day it's tempting to text and ask why - that's why I keep my distance from most parents. It might look like snobbery but in reality I like to just have a little divide between home and school. The DC inevitably find a way through it and don't need very much interference from me unless there's a huge issue going on, in which case I'll work with school to resolve it.

Sometimes they just need to sort it out themselves but lack the skills and resilience to do it.

This, x 1000. So many children really have no idea how to communicate these days, particularly face to face. It seems to have turned into 'whoever shouts loudest wins the argument' in my school. I spend so much time on this, it's ridiculous and if you don't, you have parents accusing you of not taking their child seriously and not caring. I'm not talking about bullying, obviously, that's an entirely different monster, I mean when a 13 year old tells you that they think someone else might have their rubber because they've lost theirs and expect you to 'sort it out'.

I stepped in when DS (13 at the time) was being threatened and it was dealt with very quickly, however I do expect them to be able to sort out silly disagreements among themselves.

Do far my dd14 tells me every tiny little thing about any girl drama at school. I'm lucky in that, to date, she's never been involved in falling out or arguing with someone - but she the first half hour after she gets home is her off-loading to be about everything that goes on.

I'm her sounding board and her way to off-load. I have never ever got involved in her social life or tiny misunderstandings. It's been good for us so far. She manages to stand up for herself whilst being a good friend (I think).

My dd has friends whose mothers follow them around town (10 paces behind) when they're with friends or they still try and force 'playdates'. I agree the 'bullying' word gets thrown around to much.

Recently, my dd best friend was involved in a huge problem but I was impressed with her resilience and maturity in dealing with it.

A different friend stole her phone and logged into her snapchat. This friend then sent very explicit and rude messages to many people including many of the very popular pupils and the more 'loner' pupils. Obviously many of the parents complained to the school. Its horrible bullying behaviour.
My dds friend (whose phone was stolen) obviously declared she hadn't done this and the real perpetrator was found out. However dds friend took it upon herself to go round to every single person who had a message from her phone and apologised for it and reassured them she would never send them a message like that and she was sorry it had happened to them. She got a great response from everyone. I was very impressed with her, as was my dd.

I dread to think how this would have escalated further if parents had got involved to 'defend' their children.

I agree OP. I have always listened to my DCs tales of squabbles and falling out. While at times my protective instinct made me want to step in, I never did. I talked it through, consoled, offered advice and most importantly tried to get them to think about what happened to lead to this situation. I think it's important to ask if they have done something or reacted differently and if they are perhaps partly to blame. I ask what they can do to resolve the situation. I just think too many parents automatically think that their DC are victims without actually having a good look at what actually happened.

Oh god it’s awful isn’t it? I’ve deliberately always kept my distance from other parents because the only thing I have in common with them is giving birth. I’ve tried a couple of times in the past just wondering if perhaps I was being a bit dramatic, but nope. The bitching and the snobbery was just like being back to school myself! It’s a small school too so I sometimes thing things are amplified somewhat.

The only times I ever got involved was when DS1 had an incident with the girls of the PTA clique (he was 10 and he’s never been on trouble for anything before, he just said something silly!) oh my goodness it spiralled in an unbelievable way. One mum had a real go (and I had to square up to her because I won’t be spoken to like that, which I don’t think she expected) Anyway I left it all to the school to deal with and they were magnificent because the head basically couldn’t stand this gaggle of moaning witches who were totally in the wrong.

And now my DS couldn’t be in a more different line of education to these girls who all really are discovering the joys of the “bad boys” as it’s all over their snap chats completely oblivious to their parents!

I think his was a particularly bad year though! But I embrace the same attitude for my other two and it’s blissful. I don’t even know the names of half the kids.

Haribeau - dd simply chose a different friend as her partner for the school trip, she wasn't purposely trying to make anyone else feel left out! Bit different from what I said this girl was doing to my dd the week before.

Amber don't worry you always get one person who will read a thread in a completely different way to every one else, and pick out the least important part to make an issue of it.

I'm that completely antisocial mum who will not give my personal details for a 'school' WhatsApp, fakebook or E mail. As far as I'm concerned the actual school have plenty of ways to contact me if they need too.

Apparently I'm rude because only my friends and family have my contact details not some random person who child happens be in the same year as mine. Nope doing I'm now in my 10th year of having children in school and have never felt the need to give my details to anyone else.

Clutterbugsmum - thanks, and yes I have to say I'm learning it might be better not to get too friendly with other school mums, I'm thinking being antisocial is the way forward at the moment! I actually quite liked this mum who sent me those texts, I thought we got on quite well til that happened, shame really.

I also find it quite strange how much friendships are engineered and encouraged by parents today. The school gate mum cliques actively make sure that their DC are friends with their friends DC, so play dates and birthday parties are limited to this circle. If anyone dares to stray from the group and make friends with someone else they get very very huffy. I have been in that situation with DD and realised it was not good for either of us. DD is much happier choosing her own friends and I do not miss the dramas one bit.

Oh, dear Lord - I'm a Primary School Teaching Assistant & minor friendship crap like this is a monumental pain in the arse for us when the parents wade in & turn something 'everyday' into a huge issue!

Like someone else has said, we're trying to build resilience & encourage them to deal with this sort of thing themselves & realise that not everything can always go their way etc etc but the mums always make it SO much worse!!

I don’t get involved other than discussing options of how to deal with it with DD9. But when things are particularly crappy and I see these girls every day, it takes a lot of self control not to speak to them and sort them out!

There is one girl though, who’s mum is really lovely, and who I know quite well. The girl is causing a whole lot of problems in the year group, and her mum would be mortified if she knew, and would definitely have words with her about it. I keep wondering if I should mention it or not.