To not get involved in school dramas?

[Amber1079]

When I was growing up my parents never got involved in any issues I had with friends. These days quite a few mums I know seem to get involved in everything that happens between the kids, and there seems to be a lot of tiger mum protecting going on. I'd say especially amongst the girls, but with the boys too. Genuine question, why do some parents get so involved? I don't mean about bullying here, I mean general day to day disagreements between friends, for instance one friend was telling me about another mum approaching her on the morning school run, and scheduling in a meeting after school for them both with their year 4 sons. This was to discuss a pretty minor disagreement between the boys about who was better at football, and her child was upset that his friend was being cocky that he was better.

I've heard 2 mums arguing at the school gates, because one child had let it slip at school that the other child (their friend) was on holiday for the last 2 days of term. The mum who'd been on holiday and said her child was ill had been called in by the school and was livid with the other mum, saying that the child had "grassed" her child up. I've also recently had my dd's friend's mum texting me about a disagreement they had, over who to pick as a partner on the school trip, they're in a group of 4 friends and they often swap about with 2 getting close one week and a different 2 the next. Sometimes the other 2 in the group feel left out, I know my dd does, but it's year 4 now not reception so I want her to build up some resilience with these things. I sympathise with her, but remind her friendships shift around a lot at that age (and often throughout our lives) and she can't control what others do, just be honest with them about her feelings if she's really upset. The mum of dd's friend had text me to say she'd come home and cried all evening about feeling left out when my dd chose another friend from their group as her partner on the school trip. Ironically the week before it had been my dd coming home upset, and we had tears over this girl and another friend leaving her out at play time, not waiting for her to finish her lunch etc. I didn't start texting the two other mums though to tell them my dd was upset and in tears! She's done it before actually, I didn't know what to say the first time, so ended up apologising for my dd which I then felt guilty and terrible about, as she hadn't actually done anything wrong but the girl's mum had made me feel like she had! How involved do others get in their kids day to day issues at school or with friends? Maybe IABU not interfering ahem, I mean getting involved more?

Ugh been there! I’m with you OP, in the end I started to say “As parents, we can only give the children the tools to manage these problems themselves.”
The amount of mums I saw fall out over these things, then their kids are best friends the next day.

Generally I stay out of it, but when dd2 was being socially excluded based on her Sen and it coming largely from parents who didn't want their kids mixing with the "one who talks funny" I did get involved as that was teetering on the brink of tipping over into bullying.

Only took a little bit of gentle support to nip it in the bud - but left much longer and it would have become quite a nasty situation. The kids in that cohort are lovely - the problem is certain parents wanting to control all friendships and exclude certain kids.

General bickering and just learning to navigate friendships I stay out of - but the situation with dd2 was getting well beyond that.

In my daughter's class there is only 11 girls,about 7 of the mums are all friends who go round each other's houses and go out socializing. They all get invited for playdates and birthday parties...my DD never gets invited and the girls are all clicky at school. I'm a lunch time supervisor there and one day I noticed the girls walk off and ignore her I mentioned it to the TA and she said she would keep a eye out!! It turned out that my daughter could just be as stroppy as the other girls....we like to think our children can do no wrong but they all have their little moments.

How very authoritarian of them. What the actually take parents' or pupils' phones off them and delete others' details? What a load of nonsense. They can ban it all they like, they have no authority over parents' and pupils' social lives.

Blimey- chill your boots! What I mean is that the class reps are now told not to set up WhatsApp groups for parents on a whole class basis. Individual parents can obviously set up their own mini groups to moan if they want. However, generally it's only "those" parents who do.

I'm always a bit confused when I see other parents on here mention class WhatsApp or email groups, or even class lists of phone numbers/email addresses. My DCs' schools have never even offered this as an option thank fuck I can't imagine how that would go tbh! Isn't your phone constantly pinging with messages? I work FT so haven't done school picks ups since my youngest was in p3. I highly recommend it I have mum friends, but I don't insert myself into school drama. My DC are resilient enough to sort out the squabbles,, and know when to come to me if it's more than that. YANBU op!

Having worked in schools of these kind of parents. They always seem so proud that they are involved in every part of their children's lives and that this makes them much better parents than the rest of us. Usually but not always SAHM's. It continues into adult life when those parents will be ringing employers to complain that they haven't given their child a job after they've been for an interview. you are right OP. Let children learn to deal with conflict themselves and teach them resilience.

I wouldn't dream of it. I've got away with it for 13 years, long may it continue. I actually don't know what I'd do if approached by another parent to tittle tattle?! The kids themselves forget and get over minor every day issues after about 10 seconds.

Unless it is about bullying I don't see why parents should be involved. If it is a tiff between friends. It leads to parents at each others throats while the bemused kids (who are now back to being bezzie mates again, look on bemused.

The only two times I got involved was when DD was being badly bullied at school. I asked the school to deal with it.

‘Ohhh.’
‘Mmm hmm?

‘Oh dear...’ (strongest reaction).
^
Stock responses of mine for the past 9 years at school gates.
Back away or back the school then back home/to work has been my response in 99% of situations.

Many parents don't understand the word 'bullied', it's nothing to do with minor rows which are usually over before the parents have their own spat.

Sadly this is not new, When I worked with kids decades ago you got some parents (mainly mums) over involved in kids friendships - although I suspect the amount of mums involved has incraesed.

Typical scenario was two kids falling out. If left to themselves they were usually friends again within a few days. But mums getting involved just prolonged the whole thing and made it a bigger deal than it was.

Kids need to learn social skills. Its like anything else if we constantly jump in and try and do things for them, they dont learn.

I do think that social media escalates a minor spat into a full on class exclusion though. Back in the day a disagreement was usually between two children. Now the bully gets everyone onside through social media, and the bullied one gets excluded and isolated from everyone. We used to call it sending someone to Coventry, but I never hear that expression any more.

I'm talking about secondary school here.

I also think What's app groups that children set up are cause for concern as a pp has mentioned! But It a also down to parents to monitor whats being said in them. I mean at primery school age not secondary

Dh got properly dragged in recently I went away with friends for 5 days on my return found dh had gone into school?! Apparently dd had had issues with a friend. He went in to discuss with the teacher etc which I literally never do. He was then baffled when dd came home and had spent playtime with said enemy!

I am sure that is true.
But I also agree that some parents call behaviour bullying, that is not bullying. A child not wanting to play with your child is not bullying.

I hate parents who are like this.It makes it so awkward when theres a real case of bullying.As they cry wolf so many times.

Leave the kids to sort it out themselves.I only get involved if the child is older or is sly.

Agree with you here. Ive seen too many mums at school get over involved! Its ridiculous! I dont get involved unless someones hurting them, In that case I ask the teacher to nip it in the bud. Both my girls have at some point fallen out with their friends, I always tell them tomorrow's a new day. And most of the time they make up the following day. Children are such contrary creatures.

I always tell my mum friends that I won’t fall out over the dc because they can sort it out beween themselves. I did have to intervene the other day between both my dc and a group of my youngest ds friends. They were all arguing and one was breaking a stick to hit some of the other kids with. I went and asked why they were fighting and not a single one of them knew. So I said it wasn’t worth getting in trouble over. I wouldnt then take that to their parents. It was sorted. But I do know parents who do that.

My DCs' schools have never even offered this as an option

Generally the WhatsApp groups are well-organised not set up by the school.

I'm in one and it's fine - no messages for a week at a time and generally used for school related questions and info sharing - and if it does go through a period of activity that annoys you you can just mute. If it turned into a drama fest I'd just leave it. or actually I'm the admin and started it so I'd just kick the drama lovers out

When I was Head of Year in a secondary school, it was not unusual to have an irate parent in the reception area, demanding to know what I was going to do about the bullying.

It mostly turned out that those involved had a falling out, had texted their parents, who then turned up at the school within minutes. It seemed to be a surprise to them that I had been teaching and had absolutely no idea what they were on about.

My daughter and her best friend of many years fell out and never spoke again. I never knew why, but they were old enough to make their own decisions and develop resilience and coping strategies.

Oh and YANBU OP. Kids are always going through friendship group evolutions and it's all learning. They should handle it themselves.

Because times have changed for kids. What might have been a petty disagreement that would've been forgotten about can quickly turn into a group target on social media escalating to bullying and take up a lot of school time, do huge amounts of damage to a child's self worth. Parents are aware that children's unpleasant comments that could be dismissed , can now be drawn out in group chat arguements and 'dominant' cliques. There's an age gap between my children so I've witnessed the escalation from little social media to so much, drawing in kids who wouldn't get involved before, afraid to not be part of the in crowd, afraid it will turn on them. Particularly at primary, it is important that parents listen and help diffuse potential escalation. The nasty language a boy thought he could use on my 10 yr old , (fucking slut etcetra) was met with a 'look'. Nothing underhand, he stopped, forgotten about.

But I agree alongside, it's usually the sly, dominant kids parents that do go over the top.Extemely quick to state their kids are being bullied when actually they've given the mouth, been agressive and someone's pulled them up. Suddenly the victim! Hopefully schools can see through but there's some great 'victims' out there.
I have seen the slyest kids carry on for years, and then caught red handed.

When i was at infant school in the 70s there was a boy in my class who I'd get on fine with most of the time but sometimes there was rivalry between us. No bullying. I must have fallen out with him at some point and gone home and mentioned it and my mum turned up at the school and had a go at him through the school fence!
The Head got to hear of it and wasn't happy. So typical of my mum and so inappropriate. Me and the boy would have very soon sorted it out ourselves with no intervention. I think the boy's mum must have got involved as i remember the Head asking me if I'd thrown stones at him. I hadn't and i think the confused look on my face must have told her i was not guilty and i heard nothing more about it!

I'd argue that it's more a case for teens being too young for social media profiles but I'll probably get called a fuddy duddy for saying that.