AIBU to change my mind about TTC

[JustANewOne]

NC but regular poster.

DH and I have been TTC for 3 years. 6 months ago after tests, we were told we would need IVF, very little hope of a natural conception.

When we began TTC I was 30 (DH 40) which feels a lifetime ago now. I've never been a person who 'had' to have children, but we loved the idea of having a family and we're doing well financially. I thought if it happens, great. If not, oh well.

But when it became evident it wasn't happening, I really wanted it to. I was devestated when we were told it wasn't likely. It's a rollercoaster.

Our lives have revolved around this for so long, that I'm starting to wonder if it's right.

I've had to accept the idea it might never happen, and what that future would look like. Focusing on positives like freedom, less stress, more spontaneity and so on.

And I'm starting to think maybe it's not happened for a reason. Maybe I'm not meant to be a mum.

AIBU to feel like this? To think, after all this, that enough is enough and I can have just a happy life without children?

Or am I protecting myself from the pain of infertility, telling myself I don't want what I reasonably know won't happen.

I'm not jealous at all of friends with children and I find puppies cuter than babies all I hear about is the no sleep, constant worry and financial costs of kids - but the idea of never having a family physically hurts.

Anyone ever felt anything similar? At all?

The most heartbreaking comment I ever heard was off of a woman who had been through infertility and IVF only to have a term stillbirth where her own life was in danger - she said 'maybe nature knew my body couldn't do this and thats why I couldn't conceive' - my heart broke for her - but then I've not actually been in that situation myself

I know my husband had said previous that if we couldn't conceive naturally then he'd rather go down the adoption route (I'm not sure whether I'd still have hankered for the pregnancy and birth)

I got to the the IVF stage of infertility and we went with adoption. And then a failed adoption. And finally adopted our son. I have wanted to be a mom since I was 5 years old but even so, if that didn't work out I could have been happy and fulfilled. There are so many others avenues in life beyond kids. I believe I was meant to be a mom and I love my life despite a lot of struggles we have due to special needs, but we tell people motherhood is the only way to be fulfilled and know love, and that's a lie. I love our pets, I love travelling, I love volunteering. Life has so much to offer beyond kids. Even if it's your brain protecting you from never having kids that's not a bad thing. It's good to look at other paths.

@MumUnderTheMoon.

I agree, I don’t think it’s inherently selfish to have a child but the “too selfish to HAVE children” line enrages me to the point where I look at it from other angles to defend myself (IRL too) and say something else.

Anyway, neither of this helps OP so I’m sorry. If she wants to Pm me though, she’s welcome. 😎

I had fertility treatment and it's difficult. Give yourself 6 months - year off and enjoy life. See how you feel after that.

Thanks very much for the replies, really appreciate the experiences being shared.

And thanks for link to that thread, Bungalow & Tapas, I'm reading through it now, wow, some of those replies you just would never hear IRL - it's really interesting and enlightening.

I think I'll take the advice to have a break from trying, I asked DH last night and he said that was absolutely fine by him, whatever I need. Hopefully things might become clearer.

Thanks again everyone.

Not sure if you want to hear further views, but I think I’ve been through a similar experience. We TTCd in my early thirties for about 4-5 years, finishing with a round of unsuccessful private IVF. I did really want a family at the time, although have never been someone who longed for children or was baby friendly ( similarly prefer puppies and kittens).
After failed IVF I think we then had to consider how much we still wanted to throw everything at TTC. We decided to wait a while and see what happened...nothing, but over a year or so and as we got over the disappointment and anger ( connected to not being able to have what we wanted when friends seemed to get pregnant so easily and dropping £££ down the drain) it became clear neither of us really wanted to pursue ivf again or other routes. I think it started off as a defence mechanism like ‘ I didn’t want this anyway’ but gradually it changed.
Now 6-7 years after we started TTC we are no longer trying, and I’m happy with that. The desire for children has genuinely gone or at least strongly outweighed by a feeling of having our lives back, and having other purposes and directions to go in.
Not sure if that’s relevant, but your post struck a chord with me so I wanted to share this.

Just to add, at the time we couldn’t conceive through ivf,disappointment is probably an understatement. It was devastating for a while, it was hard to drive past the hospital, see pregnant women ( this was much harder than seeing babies!) etc. But this has changed.

@JustANewOne thank you for posting this.

DH and I have been TTC for 18 months now, and as every month comes and goes, I am sad my AF made its appearance, but then I get on with my day. Some days I get really down about the thought of not being a mum and some days I think that may just be the hand I am dealt, and I just get to be the best, fun auntie to my nephews and niece, and friends' children.

It literally splits me 50/50.
We have spoken about going for fertility tests, but I do keep putting it off for "after the next tww" and I'm not sure why I am putting it off? For both sides of the coin, either there is an issue preventing us from conceiving or there isn't and we just carry on.

DH has a genetic issue which means it's hard for us to get a successful pregnancy. I'm in a support group for the issue and some of the members there have decided that children are in fact not for them and the gruelling nature of repeated loss and/or failure was taking too much of a toll. There is a book which is periodically recommended called "The next happy" - it might be something which is useful for you?

We do have DC - I have one from a previous relationship and we have one together. I love them and children are amazing, for me worth it - but it goes on for so long - you know? It is just never ending and there are days I wake up and think "This again?" it's rare to have money, time or energy spare for yourself, and that in itself can be hard.

" “too selfish to HAVE children” line enrages me to the point where I look at it from other angles to defend myself"

Why? I think I was too selfish to have children. Due to infertility we were used to the idea of being child free (and not fussed either way whether we had children or not , then I got pregnant at 41 completely out of the blue. I feel that having been an adult for over 20 years did make me selfish, and found having a someone totally reliant on me very, very hard at first.

I think there are aspects of ‘selfishness’ both to having and not having children. I doubt there are many people who make either decision ( or have the decision thrust upon them) who are thinking entirely about the environment (on one hand) or producing future taxpayers and care workers )on the other). In my view caring for your own child is not an act of selflessness, and that’s not intended as any sort of criticism. I agree having been an adult for twenty years I now see less appeal in caring for a child myself and putting it first.

Sorry I didn’t mean to derail the thread, but the selfish thing remains an emotive topic.

Sorry for the late reply OP. No I personally could never envisage feeling positive about not having children.
BTW I often say if anyone made the decision to have a child with their head, taking into account practical & financial considerations NOBODY WOULD EVER HAVE A BABY!!
It's a drive, a decision made by the heart.