Going halves on a gift

[DwayneDibbly]

DP and I have had an argument about this so am looking for clarification as to whether or not he was a twat, or whether it was me.

Bit of background: DPs ex and I don't get on (I was not OW for what it's worth, we are just two very different people). Things are passive aggressive at best, but we keep things relatively polite for the sake of DSD.

So a relative of DPs had a landmark birthday recently and he was struggling to think of a gift. His ex rings and asks does he want to go half shares on a gift from their DD. He agrees, probably in part because it saves him the hassle of having to sort something out.

He tells me and I say that's absolutely fine, no issue as to cost etc., but that surely that's just a gift from DSD and not from our DC (who is, it has to be said, a baby and therefore gives zero shits about gifts).

He says of course it's from all of us. I said it's quite obviously not from all of us, it's from DSD and he and his ex have split the cost.

He says I'm being unreasonable and petty for pointing this out, and has chucked his toys out of the pram.

Was I being unreasonable? Prepared to hear that I got this wrong, just be gentle with me!

The gift can be from both his children if he pays for all of it not if his ex is paying half.
I'd get a little something else from your own dc as a gesture.

You are right. Ex is viewing it as from her DC, not yours.

Just say its from his children, the fact his ex is paying half is a good thing and I'm struggling to see the problem tbh

What a non issue, you sound hard work! If he’s paying half, he can decide who he’s including in the gesture.

We give gifts from the family so would just sign everyones name

Ordinarily we send gifts from our side and include everyone's name on it, as in ours and both children. That won't happen the other way and so yes, I will have to get a separate gift from myself and DC.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers ordinarily I'd agree but the gift has been set up by DPs ex, and she won't include our DC in the gesture.

@Jeezoh I accept from the outside it probably does sound like a non-issue! But the ex has already said the gift is from their DD, and of course he can include whomsoever he likes in the gesture but that hasn't happened.

I find it strange that his ex has gone halves on a gift for someone on your DPs side to begin with?

He needs to be clear to the ex that his contribution covers a gift from all his kids, if that’s what he intends to do. It seems a bit off for you to need to arrange another gift from your child too.

It sounds to me as if the gift your DP and his Ex are splitting costs on is just from DSD.
I presume you will send a gift from you, DP and your DC.

However, haven't you already sorted this as you say that your DP's relative "had a landmark birthday recently".

oh so the present wont be from them both, his ex is refusing to put your child's name on the gift? - that pettiness would piss me off.

@BlackSatinDancer I do usually organise but as this was a landmark DP wanted to pick something up himself. I rather wish I had dealt with it myself now, and avoided all this.

It sounds to me as if the gift your DP and his Ex are splitting costs on is just from DSD. I presume you will send a gift from you, DP and your DC.

This is how I'd understand it as well.

Does your DP want to say this gift is from all of you - if so I think he's wrong because there's no reason for ex to have paid half of a family gift. (Tbh I'm not sure why she's paid for half the gift anyway.)

If he wants to just say its from DSD and DC (and get a separate present from you and him) then I don't think it makes any difference, since DC is just a baby and obviously has no idea what's going on so can just be added to any gift.

I think you're right and it's not petty at all. It's taking advantage of the ex's generosity. Why should she pay half for a gift from you all to a member of his family? He should pay for it all if that's the way he wants it. I bet he wouldn't be very happy to be asked to put in half for a gift from her and a new family to a family member of hers!

Is the family member really going to be keeping tabs on which specific family members the gift is from? Does it matter? I'm with your OH but gifts aren't really a big thing in my family

@seeingdots That's very true! And yes, I wouldn't expect her to dip into her pocket for my family. I'd buy a gift and put the kids' names on it.

@Onceuponacheesecake Probably not, and you're right of course. I just got annoyed because it seemed quite thoughtless but I do make more effort with this sort of thing so I'm probably overthinking it in that respect.