6 year old aggression - is this normal?

[namechangedmner]

What's normal for a 6 year old

Without SEN

Please tell me if this is within normal:

-hitting (adults, not peers)

• kicking (objects, doors, furniture, not peers)
• tantrums (perhaps 6 a week)
• breaking things during tantrums (toys they own, like and play with)
• hiding under tables (as refusal to do what they're asked)

Is this just things that are incredibly frustrating but within normal for that age or do they actually sound worrying?

Trying to work out if I'm overreacting or overthinking to be incredibly worried

I'll add that my six year old has done all of these bar hitting (although he did bite me once). He does them seldom and only when highly stressed. I don't think these behaviours are completely unusual but the frequency indicates that something is not right.

DS did all these things and.more at that age. He got a diagnosis of asd and ADHD around the same age

I pinned him to the ground and told him in my most stern voice that kicking and biting hurts, you do not kick and bite people, do you understand. He eventually grunted and nodded and never did it again. You could try that

There's always one...

I agree with pp, I have certainly seen those behaviours (barring maybe the kicking) in all three of my boys who are older than 6, but not regularly or even possibly more than once.

If by adults you mean parents (rather than randoms on the street) then you could have been describing my ds2 5 years ago.

He doesn't have asd but is quite "traity" (his uncle has high functioning autusm and they are similar in many ways) and can be very anxious (I wish back then I had realised how much of his bad behaviour was driven by anxiety). He also found emotional regulation v hard when he was younger.

We sought some therapy around handling emotions for him a couple of years ago and we havent looked back. He's much happier at 11 than he was at 6.

Hugs for you OP. This must be so challenging and is no reflection on your parenting.

Our eldest DD does this with us, less frequently and doesn't break toys (although will throw things). She is five in the summer. We have just had her assessed (and I managed to film some of her "moments") and they don't think there is any SEN, but she is anxious and struggles in some areas. The tantrum behaviour is then a result of both her anxiety and the fact that she is now conditioned into this being her response. Punishment doesn't work very well, and certainly getting cross just heightens her anxiety. We try lots of deflection techniques, ignoring, and when she is calmed find that a cuddle/ reassurance and talking about her frustration really helps (and means the issue which has caused the tantrums seems less likely to cause it in the future).

My just turned 7yo has improved a lot in the past year in this regard but has quite an explosive temper. I can see him now starting to hold back though, e.g. making fists but not using them, or just swinging them in the air. I found the How To Talk So Kids Will Listen book really helpful, and lots of advance talking about and sometimes role playing situations where anger might be sparked. I think the important thing wi th your DC, OP, is whether things are getting worse or better? I definitely see my DS growing out of his behaviours, though I'd say he's still a bit emotionally immature for his age.

It's getting worse I think. It's not that he's never had challenging behaviour but he's not grown out of it, and he's stronger and more able to do damage now during tantrums.

He's never had a build up though with upset- even from day 1... he didn't whimper ever as a baby, he either was incredibly happy or he was screaming. I could have timed him on the hour every 3 hours on the dot - he'd scream for milk, not cry or whimper slightly before so you knew he was hungry - just very smiley and then bam 3 hours apart - he'd scream his head off, right from being smiley a minute before. He is still very much the same- you go from 0 straight to 100.

Are you able to spot any triggers for the behaviour? Is it in certain settings, or times of day, or in respinse to you saying "no" or telling him to switch off the telly or grt ready for bed (or whatever).

With my ds it was most often being hungry or thirsty or tired. He was very bad at spotting the first two, so there was no "mum Im hungry" or "can I have a drink" - first thing Id know would be him blowing up. He still doesn't handle tiredness well now. He also had trouble distinguishing bw feeling excited or anxious when he was little and would express both as anger, which again would always catch us out.

The therapist we used talked about a 6th sense that we have (cant remember the name) which was the ability to understand the signals that you're body is sending you - too hot, too hungry, too tired, need the loo etc. In some children/people it's apparently poorly developed so they dont recognise signals til they get urgent, then BOOM. That was certainly true if ds2 and learning how to listen out for those signals and respond to them really helped him.

@BarbarianMum love to know what that sense is called because yes it's certainly not developed in DS yet. We've had scans to check nothing is wrong with his bladder but they just said it's a behavioural issue and sent us on our way.

I think the trigger is really being asked to do anything at all. Sometimes I feel I could ask him to eat chocolate and he'd still tantrum about being asked something. Obviously this doesn't happen at school though or I'm sure they'd be telling me that

Found it - interoception. Take a look.

Pathological Demand Avoidance?

@lilabet2 I have wondered. But if it's that wouldn't it also be the case in school? It's outside of school but not just with me, with anyone really

Thanks @BarbarianMum

I know this is an old thread but wondered @namechangedmner how your child was doing? Our 6 nearly 7 year old shows similar behaviour at home and in other out of the home situations but school are not concerned. First round of ADHD/ASD forms have gone to CAHMS but there is a long wait. What else can we do to try to reduce his frustration/rage/anger?