...to be asking at the age of 25, how to stand up for myself?

[officedoormat]

Hi all,

Oh, where to begin without boring you all to tears at this hour of the morning.

Well, I guess it's fairly self-explanatory from the title but I just want some practical advice on how to stand up for myself. Yes, I'm sure there's lots of advice out there if I Google it before someone points this out but what I want is practical advice from real women out there not what some world-famous American motivational speaker has to say about this. Baby steps.

I guess I should start by saying I've always been quite a quiet person, I wouldn't say shy, not now anyway but I keep to myself and avoid conflict. I'm also a worrier and over-think things a lot.

I've been in my current job for just over a year and am completely miserable. I am looking for other jobs but getting one is easier said than done. Whilst the job is not want I want to do for the rest of my life or even the next 6 months, the biggest problem I've encountered is not the work itself but how my colleagues treat me.

I can't tell you how many times I've been spoken to like crap over the past 12 months and sat there and done nothing about it. Not because I think people's reactions to me are warranted or because it goes over my head but because I avoid conflict and I don't really know how to stick up for myself. I almost feel as if nothing has changed since similar situations at school, I still haven't mastered the ability to speak up and defend myself.

Needless to say, there are unpleasant people in every workplace unfortunately, that's life I guess, we aren't going to get along with everyone and have to make the best of things. However, I believe I have had a disproportionate amount of maltreatment and I think it's because I'm seen as an easy target due to my quiet and calm disposition.

Last week something happened which really upset me as someone who I usually get along well/have a laugh with was very sharp with me for no reason. I can't put it down to her having a bad day as she was fine with everyone else. I approached her desk about something work-related and she starts shouting me down pretty much instantly and talking over me before I can get to what I want to say. She then didn't like the way I was holding something so made a disparaging comment about that also. She was doing this loudly and angrily as if I had done something to upset her which then caused other colleagues to look over blankly. I've never felt so humiliated and baffled at the same time. I kind of just froze I was so surprised rather than challenge her.

If something like this happens again, which it inevitably will, what would be the best thing to do so I can defuse the situation whilst also standing my ground? Please help, any advice would be appreciated. I'm sick of beating myself up mentally afterwards for being so feeble when interactions like this happen.

I've also had other colleagues knock my jacket off my chair (which I believe was on purpose as there was ample space behind my chair at the time) and stick a price tag on me as well as other general rudeness and it's wearing me down.

You’re being bullied. Go to HR.

HR don't do anything, others have tried when experiencing similar issues.

I don't know if I would go as far to say what I'm experiencing is bullying, these things are all separate incidents involving different people and I don't see them as being linked. I just want advice on how to respond to things like this other than going to HR who won't do anything.

A lot of people are twts and they target nice people. This happens within families too. Yes, they are out of order and its worth logging things with HR. You sound like someone that i would like to work with. Those other twts sound like the ones i always end up getting at work.

Sorry, missed the fact youd already been to HR. in that case I'm interested in any replies because i sound like a similar personality type to you.

It is bullying mate.
I don't have any advice for snappy comebacks in the moment but I do have advice:

• get a new job
• stop blaming yourself for being unable to behave in a way that wouldn't get you bullied, and start blaming these people for their bullying behaviour
• try to figure out where in your life you picked up that response to freeze when someone has a go at you - it probably stems from childhood. I'd recommend you the book "CPTSD: from surviving to thriving" not because I think you have complex PTSD necessarily but because in the book he talks about the ways people respond to danger - it sounds like you "freeze" or "fawn" - try to be nice and get along with people to protect yourself. Like starting your post by apologising for taking up our time, you're very aware of other people's feelings. If you could ignore them more, you'd find it easier to stand up for yourself. But it's a sign of your sort of subconscious trying to keep you safe, it won't change unless you understand where that feeling of being unsafe is stemming from.

Here's a link to that book.

It might be bullying, and this might be controversial but you will always feel ‘bullied’ unless you can develop some coping mechanisms? Going to HR might stop the bullies but won’t help you feel better about yourself

Can you look into a couple of coaching sessions? If you find a good coach, it’s worth the investment. I found this very useful to build self confidence and it gave me a couple of phrases/tactics to use to hold my ground but which felt non-confrontational enough for me to feel comfortable using.

Read the Captain Awkward advice blog. She does a great thing where she suggests having "scripts" for standing up for yourself.
Ditto the Ask A Manager blog. The reason I'm recommending them is because they have ideas for normal people to deal with other people being awful in a normal, quiet, but assertive way.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, OP.

Sorry, I also think it’s bullying.

There must be a seriously fucked up atmosphere in your office for that sort of behaviour to be happening. I echo the advice to look for another job, there are happier places to work.

I’m another who will freeze/fawn in the face of bullying, which is very much learnt from childhood experiences (the book pp mentioned sounds good).

Nowadays I tend to say something firm but non-confrontational. Eg, in relation to your colleague.

• ok, I’ll stop you there. Let’s discuss this later.
• ok, I’m not going to berated about this. Let’s deal with this another time.

The key point is to put down a boundary about what is acceptable in the way you’ll be treated. You don’t need to “win” or have any sort of showdown.

If it cheers you up I’m 20 years older than you and this hasn’t happened to me for years. You learn to draw a line in the sand. I’ve also chosen positive working environments and would absolutely leave one now which wasn’t.

Id recommend reading nice girls dont get the corner office.

It’s not you it’s them. Leave! You are too nice to put up with that crap and you don’t deserve it.

Sounds like a nasty bullying culture op
So it
Might be part of the issue is to get clear in that as a starter and identify other things as you might work
Somewhere else and have far less issues .

It’s always a struggle and I am 25 years older than you

Start practicing saying stuff but calmly (and this helps me ) in very formal language

I would appreciate it if when we have a
Professional disagreement you would not raise your voice

Please can you refrain from putting price tags on my clothes ? It’s disrespectful and not professional

Take a deep breath and say it . Maintain eye contact and walk away

Your heart will beat and it’s scary but you afterwards you will feel better for having asserted yourself
The using professional language helps me as afterwards I have less reason to beat myself up

I would also keep a
Small diary and note incidents . As soon you can see pattern as if it’s really bullying
Culture you might be better of moving . Kind
Workplaces do exist , or better ones

I also like Fight the bears answers / a bit tougher ! Try what feels best for your style

Sorry but normal people don't attack a quiet person verbally.
This person is a bully, I think you need to go and have a chat with your manager or boss. HR do log things, but this person needs to be sorted out, and to leave you alone.
Everyone in the office looked blankly at her not you, as they knew this as well.
When they start to shout at you, stand up tall look them in they eyes, and just wait, do not say a word, no matter what just be silent wait till they stop. Actually not saying anything gives them no amo to fire at you.
Then say to them this.
I find what you just said very rude, this is a work environment, not a playground.
I need to know X . Do you have an answer, or do you know who does.
If they go off on one again , say, Since everyone just heard you yet again attack me verbally, I am now reporting you to HR... Or Boss.
Go and report them...

It sounds like an awful place to work OP. What does the manager do about it?

And in terms of the person shouting at you, if someone did that in my office it would be them I would feel embarrassed for rather than the unfortunate recipient. Everyone would be doing this

Everything toomuchtooold said!

i used to be exactly like you, standing there taking shit off ppl and them not giving a damn that they had hurt my feelings and then it dawned on me why i was such a walk over.
it was because i liked that person/people and didn't want to hurt or be nasty to them, it wasn't in my nature.
so i changed my way of thinking and whenever someone aimed a nasty remark at me i'd give them a sharp reply

posted too soon
poeple soon realise i'm not as weak as they thought

Some good advice here about clear assertive responses to deal with things in the moment.

You do need to report this to HR though. They should have dealt with it previously, and I’m not excusing their inefficiency, but I’m wondering, as you say you’re quiet and not assertive, whether you approached HR in a way which made it easier for them to brush it under the carpet? Sometimes people who find it hard to be assertive are almost apologetic when they try to report bullying.

It will really help if you write down clearly and objectively what has happened and take that to HR. Be specific. I would also write down that you don’t feel safe in your workplace. HR should have listened and acted the first time, but if you put in writing that you don’t feel safe then it’s much harder for them to ignore. Don’t be apologetic. Don’t feel it’s too ‘dramatic’ to say you don’t feel safe. You are being bullied. You have a right to go to work and feel secure and that your well being isn’t being compromised.

Good luck

I'm glad other posters have given some good advice on where you can look for help / advice because I wouldn't have a clue.
You sound like a perfectly decent person and your workplace/ colleagues/ HR sound abysmal. Thankfully I've never worked anywhere like that.
Do work on your assertiveness - life coach or online sources - whilst continuing your job search. Not all work places are like your current one. They can actually be sources of great lifelong friendships or, at worst, civil working relationships.