Posting here for traffic to be honest.
Some of you may remember me from last year (I posted under a different username and lost the log in details )
A year ago I was almost 7 years into a marriage with an abusive violent alcoholic . I had been with him 15 years at that point and we had 3 kids.
He hated me going out taking part in a hobby I had once a week. I applied for a job after being a stay at home mum for years and one night when he fell off the wagon I was subjected to abuse about it and assaulted.
I will link to the threads about it
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217702-Husband-getting-drunk-with-children-Going-to-have-to-give-up-on-my-dreams-Please-help?pg=5&order=
And also
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3223966-To-be-angry-about-being-called-names-because-I-go-out-once-a-week
The threads are lengthy but show context as to how my life fell apart in the space of a week pretty much.
I guess I am here to give an update and to talk about what has happened to me and my family in the year since. Boy has it been hard and I am a very different person today
We separated mid April last year and we stayed separated. He continued to drink and began to abuse cocaine again . Visits to see he children became unreliable at times with him sometimes not turning up , arriving here in some terrible states and sending me messages if I dared to go somewhere socially myself calling me a shit mother and things along these lines.
I filed for divorce in June after I discovered he was on 7 various dating sites trying to meet someone else. He was still wearing his wedding ring and when I had mentioned a divorce he said he didn’t want one, who knows what the future holds and basically he was trying to keep a foot in the door here and his options open. If hurt less when he used to punch me then when he did this. I put up with a lot and some dreadful physical abuse but no one makes a fool out of me like that and I basically shut the door on the marriage when I found out.
I became deeply depressed and would sleep all day and sit up and cry all night. I binge ate and gained about 2 stone in weight. When he got his divorce papers he began demanding the matrimonial car back and with that things spiralled rapidly out of control.
He began threatening to kill me , stab me , threats to set the car alight in front of the children. Constant phone calls him coming to my house waiting for me. Even taking photos on the door step and sending them to me and leaving his empty beer cans in my hanging baskets.
I was in fear of my safety and frightened to go out after dark in case he was waiting for me . I gave him back the car and my elderly mother took a pay day loan in order to give me the money to buy a cheap run around for me and my children.
The police would only caution him and the abuse continued so I went to women’s aid in desperate need of help. They found me a solicitor legal aid and had me in court to apply for a without notice emergency non molestation order. The judge deemed my life to be at risk as did social services and it was granted inside of 15 mins. It’s in place for a year. On my birthday he broke it with hours of abuse and threats and I reported it and he was taken back to court (conditional discharge) domestic violence simply isn’t taken seriously enough and I can see how women (and men) die at the hands of abusive partners .
In January this year I was benefit capped and at one stage had £1.50 to my name .
I did all the firsts. First anniversary , Christmas , new year , all the birthdays everything. Many many tears were shed . I went into counselling for 6 months. Two of my children ended up seeing counsellors at school which I arranged for them .
I managed to get the tenancy on this house put into my sole name . All the photos and memories of him are down and gone now (little by little not to upset the children )
It’s been heartbreaking , raw , gut wrenching
Some days I miss him , some days I am frightened I might see him. I still cry sometimes. I can apply for the decree absolute in 3 days time and to be honest my heart still breaks and it will be such a sad day for me when that divorce comes through.
Needless to say I have never had an apology or acknowledgement of the pain and hurt he’s caused me and them.
I let him see the kids. I didn’t make him go to court and a contact centre which I could have done. He sees them one day a week for a few hours. At Christmas and his birthday and father’s day I made sure a card from the children went there along with a present wrapped from each child. At Christmas he didn’t even get them to write a Christmas card out and give to me when he had them all day Christmas Eve.
His family threw me under the bus. His mum is the only one I have contact with and that’s only about times to see the kids. She says the blame is 50/50 for what’s happened and she’s heard his side of the story (this is when I pointed out that courts don’t issue non mols for no reason)
In the middle of all this I found my father after 17 years of looking for him. He’s dead sadly but there’s a huge family there who have welcomed me including 3 siblings I have gained.
It’s fair to say my whole life has been tipped upside down . At Christmas a friend of mine took the plunge and asked me out. He’s never been married and has no children. All four of my children have met him (first as a friend and then the eldest sussed it so I came clean ) they absolutely adore him. They ask when he’s coming over and we all discuss days out and thinks we can do together . We went bowling on Saturday and for a meal after for example.
My biggest issue now is how I interact with someone new. He doesn’t drink a lot but does like a night out once a week or so when he will have a few drinks. We share a lot of mutual friends and everyone says he’s a good man who isn’t loud or aggressive with people after a drink. But I get nervous and apprehensive around people drinking. How do I overcome this. I have talked at length with him about it . He feels the only way I can combat it is to dip my toe into the waters of being put in a pub with people who are drinking socially so I can teach myself and learn that not everyone is a bastard when they pick up a drink. He doesn’t come round my house smelling of drink. He doesn’t come round with drinks with him . He’s given up weekends to spend with us doing normal things (play board games , playing football in the back garden , watching a film )
How do I lose that expectation that everyone is going to get drunk and hurt me in some way ? Will that feeling ever go away ?
I know I have gone on but I guess I am reflecting now. With real mixed emotions but inside me is a core of inner steel. My whole life has changed. My whole world was tipped upside down . But I am still alive , I have survived , I got free . I saw my chance that night last April to get free and I took hold of it with both hands. I often wonder if I did the right thing . The guilt is overwhelming sometimes . But I did it and I never ever thought I would have a life without the alcoholic I spent all my adult life with. I can’t quite believe I have done it x