to think the court won't like his plan for parental alienation

[dillymumma]

Last month, I ended things with my abusive ex. He sent me to hell and back emotionally and also financially abused me. It was hard to see at the time and I honestly just put it down to him being in a bad mood. I didn't realise it was abuse until I found myself scared to leave and had to seek advice on how to do it safely.

Since I left, I tried to keep him in contact with his son. Two or three times weekly. I found myself uncomfortable around him, and he was still abusing me via text message.

I have now stopped seeing him. I don't feel safe around him and all the pros have told me that this is the right thing to do. If he wants access he needs to go through court and they will help decide what is safe and best.

Yesterday and today he has been sending me messages telling me that our son will 'know the truth' when he's older, and is threatening to tell him that I was a bad mother. I'm not. I love my son. I love him fiercely.

AIBU to hope that if it does end up in court, they will take the abuse seriously and will take in to consideration his threats to alienate me (through telling my son how apparently awful I am)? Or do they tend to ignore this kind of stuff?

I don’t think that a court would see that as a threat of parential alienation. Also, I think that unless the abuse was logged it’s unlikley to have any impact, especially as it was against you and not your DS.

I know it’s not what you want to hear but a court won’t care about how you feel, just what’s in your son’s best interests and generally they see this as having a relationship with their father.

Are professionals involved ? A court may require contact center contact but only in exceptional circumstances

I wouldn't say they ignore it but I think they need to see real evidence of threats and steps that you have taken to protect yourself eg. Police reference, social services etc. Family courts see a stream of he said/she said accusations so they do need to see some evidence before they deny a parent access.

If you have evidence of harm to you but not to the child they may give access but supervised access our at the very least supervised handovers.

What is your solicitor saying?

@whitershadeofpale it's logged in the sense that he's in anger management which was advised by a mediator because he became so angry. But I never called the police, no. I'm not trying to stop him from having a relationship with his dad. I just don't want the court to say we have to be in the same room together as I am scared of him.

Mine said all that (and still does occasionally) but he hated losing control of me and wanted to ensure I knew he was still the boss. He got bored after a while. It only comes up now when I dare to disagree with him. It's just abusive twat behaviour. Ignore him and keep on going.

@jaynelovesagathachristie yes I have a women's aid worked assigned to me, I've spoken to a solicitor who has seen evidence of his text messages and abusive behaviour, it's gone to a MARAC meeting? I'm not even too sure what that is and I've avoided googling. I'm just so, so tired of it all.

@Nnnnnineteen he says it to his ex too and had called his ex a bitch in front of his daughter so I know he would do it.

No court will say you have to be in the same room as him during contact. Contact should be between your DS and his father only. They likely won't pay much attention to what you say about abuse, in my experience. It's frustrating but true.

@RhymingRabbit solicitor has said absolutely no contact for now as his behaviour has been so poor. She said it's up to him to take me to court and that I should get a non molestation order against him which I am in the process of. She's said he's not in a good position but something tells me I shouldn't trust a solicitor at face value...

@Doyoumind it's a shame. If a person can abuse a woman they can abuse a child my son is a baby and hasn't been away from me for more than 30 minutes, ever (he is really little still). He's also breastfed I don't know how he'd see him without me present! It's not a nice situation to be in...

Even if contact is granted because of the age of your child it would be for very short period of time...so no overnights.

Hmm. I'm afraid that you are at the start of a lengthy, frustrating process and I'd counsel you (gently) to change your expectations.

I work for social care and I had my jaw and ribs broken and a chunk bitten out of my shoulder by my exH. He sees our children every week for 2 days and the court said there was no evidence of risk to the children. They are actually right, he has never laid a finger on the children or emotionally abused them in anyway (I am hyper vigilant about it). Unfortunately no one was willing to act as a third party for handovers, so I have to do them. He continues to try control me but I have done safety planning for myself and have strategies to minimise his impact on me. That's all you can do IME. Professionals don't really get involved in private family court matters unless there is significant risk of harm to children and parental alienation only really gets covered if it's long, persistent and emotionally compromising the children's wellbeing. That's only usually evident after years of them seeing parents taking each other to court incessantly.

I just read your update, if your DS is a tiny baby they will recommend short periods of contact building up to overnights when the child is developmentally ready.

We live 1.5 hours apart. This is going to be a nightmare :(

Thanks @Nobodyelsewillbethere - he is what I would consider abusive to his daughter. He:

• gets angry at her for small things such as getting a spelling wrong
• shouts and swears in front of her (loudly and aggressively - she sits there shaking with her hands over her ears)
• badmouths her mum in front of her
• told her that if she keeps being naughty (she's not naughty) he will start liking his son more than her

I could continue, but he's not very nice. She's confided in me that she's terrified of him. Of course none of this is documented and I will just have to live with my son potentially being treated the same way

You say it has been heard at MARAC, that works in your favour as supporting your version of your ex being horrendous. Only cases where the victim ie you is judged to be at high risk of death or serious harm are referred into MARAC. Police, children social worker, housing etc all sit on MARAC so your ex abuse will be discussed there and should be well documented. I would speak to your domestic abuse worker for their advice but if your case is being heard at MARAc allowing access would be neglectful.

@Goldenhedgehogs you articulated that much better than me. My solicitor said she would be unhappy with me seeing him until MARAC has been completed and there is a plan in place. But by the looks of things here he will still eventually have unsupervised access where he can fill my son's head with whatever he wishes

Don't be too despondent, OP. Focus on being a great mother and your DS will know from his own experience that you are a loving mum whatever your ex says. I still worry about my ex's impact but children aren't stupid and I know my ex shows his true colours to my DC most of the time. We have rules for how people should speak and behave in our house and I believe that helps to undo any bad influence picked up during contact.