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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want more?

44 replies

Armadilloboss · 26/03/2019 14:57

Ok, so husband and I have decided to divorce after two years of marriage. We’ve had a horrendous 2 years which includes losing our baby boy to Edwards syndrome and we have both grieved in completely different ways. He has decided he no longer wants children, I am desperate to have another baby and have suffered from PTSD. this is ultimately what has led to our split.
Background info, we bought our house 5 years ago. It was our first home and so had to furnish it from scratch. I was gifted 5k from an aunt which I spent furnishing the house, aswell as my other aunt buying us our sofa. We have spent 5 years getting the house how we want, including tiling the floor etc.
Fast forward to now. He is going to buy me out the house. I am going to live with family until I have enough money for a deposit on a new home.
He has a much better job than me, however I want to be as reasonable as possible and so have only asked for what I have put into the house and half the equity (not interested in his pensions/ savings etc)
The house was valued with 20k equity. I have asked for 15k, which will be half the equity and half the value of contents.
He has said I am being totally unreasonable, and has just messaged to say he can give me between 8-10k.
Am I being unreasonable to want more considering I am going to have to buy a new place to live and furnish/decorate it from scratch?

OP posts:

Fere · 26/03/2019 15:41

storage in some places is v.expensive, £100 pm where Ia mon the outskirts of London

go ant talk to a solicitor and don't get fobbed off by him having nowhere to go
he can rent and all assets should be split equally, if you have any bills for what you paid from your aunt's inheritance dig it out
and the receipt your aunt paid for that sofa, I guess all of that was done before you got married

GinAndTings · 26/03/2019 15:43

Sorry for your loss.

Please do see a solicitor.

And please do go for all you are entitled to. He will soon wish he gave in to your earlier demands!!

Dippypippy1980 · 26/03/2019 15:44

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your ex is being an arse. Ideally you should sell the house,I think this would be better for you it’s a total break.

Otherwise he owes you half the equity, and half the furniture. You shoulda also taken eindivudal items if they were gifted to you by family.

If h was buying a house from anyone else he wouldn’t pull this crap, so why should you have to lose money beciase he claims he can’t afford it, I feel he really can’t afford to pay for the house then it should go on the market,

Dippypippy1980 · 26/03/2019 15:45

I should also add a friend of mine was emotionally blackmailed into being very generous over a house he had bought with his girlfriend. SHe has moved someone else in now, who is benefiting from all his hard work and financial investment. He is very bitter. Understandably.

pootyisabadcat · 26/03/2019 15:47

He says he can’t sell the house as he is not in a position to stay with family etc

Not your problem. You can sell the furniture if you can't afford to sell it but just NO to selling yourself short when it comes to financials. You need every penny you can get for a new deposit. Just don't! I regretted every extra hour I had to work to get back into the housing market because I played 'amicable' instead of seeing a solicitor and making it fairer. Just don't engage with him anymore. Seek legal advice first and let them handle it. He contacts you with offers you just tell him, by text, 'I don't think that's entirely fair and I'm not committing to anything at the moment.'

SummerDog · 26/03/2019 15:50

I'm sorry for your loss and his loss. You're both grieving parents. The people saying fuck him are just plain horrible. You do need to see a solicitor and see what exactly is a likely outcome of your half. He may need to cash in his pension and sell the house so that he is able to give you your half. This will be a very upsetting exercise for you both. You will always share your son and your loss. I think splitting amicably as you can will reduce the trauma to you both. But you really do need a solicitor and complete form E's etc. You may decide you don't want half his pension but don't give up anything until you have the full picture.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 26/03/2019 15:52

You need to seek proper legal advice op.

Sindragosan · 26/03/2019 15:52

I'm sure he'll find an extra couple of thousand if the only option you give him is the house being sold and renting elsewhere.

I'm sorry for your loss, its a horrible thing to go through, but you've both been through it, not just him, so don't feel you have to cut him more slack than yourself because of it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/03/2019 15:59

Basically he can’t afford what you are entitled to. I get you are infuriated. Threaten to sell. Do be aware that you may not get any more money if you do sell as you have to pay agents fees plus mortgage payments until it’s sold. Are you paying 50% of the mortgage?

Otherwise how about legally agreeing he gives you 10k and x amount monthly until he’s paid off half the furniture so 2.5k plus half his pension for the time married. That would be the sort of thing I would aim for in any case. I know he’s getting the furniture half price so this would be sold as a compromise.

AlwaysTryingToHelp · 26/03/2019 16:01

OP please get professional advice from a solicitor straight away and start the process of making him sell the house (through mediation and then courts if needed). When he realises you are serious he may then pay you what you are asking for.

Me and my STBXH spilt up after 10 months of marriage, that was 3 years ago. The divorce is still not finalised and he has still not brought me out, I am now taking him to court for the house to be put up for sale. My solicitor has told me that anything under 5 years is classed as 'a short' marriage, so pensions etc can not be split but the house defiantly can. It is a long hard process but he has left me no other choice. You need to start sooner rather than later because unfortunately everything takes a long time!

Drum2018 · 26/03/2019 16:11

So sorry that your baby died. Have been there and it's shit. You really need legal advice now if there truly is no way of working through your marriage difficulties. Can he afford the mortgage on his own? Will the bank entertain giving him one in his own name if your name is currently on it? He may not even have the option of staying there if he can't get a mortgage in his own name and your name off the deeds. I'd stop the text messages now and speak to a solicitor asap to see what you are entitled to - and not just half the house, but anything else he has stashed away. Do not walk away from this letting him call all the shots.

Gazelda · 26/03/2019 16:16

I'm so sorry you lost your baby boy. How heartbreaking for you both.

What he is able to afford to give you is irrelevant. He needs to give you what you are entitled to. I think you need to get a solicitor involved now. Not to punish him, but to protect what is rightfully yours and to ensure you have the best chance possible to set yourself up in your own home again. You deserve a chance at building a future just as much as your ex does.

FrozenMargarita17 · 26/03/2019 16:39

I read once that women ask for what they think is fair, and end up with less, whereas the men will go higher expecting it to go down.

Don't go for what you think is fair. Go for what you are entitled to.

pootyisabadcat · 26/03/2019 16:48

Just send him a message: I don't agree that is fair so will not commit to such an offer. I don't feel comfortable engaging in this topic anymore so please refrain from doing so at present. And then ring round to find a solicitor. He's having you on. £8-10k is not fair and where he goes after is not your remit anymore, it's his.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/03/2019 17:07

Half the equity of the house if sold may only work out at£8000 after fees are deducted. With regards to the furniture you are not going to get back what you paid for it. £5000 maybe half what you spent but selling it as used will probably only generate half that so maybe £10000 isnt so bad.

Chloemol · 26/03/2019 17:27

He is not being fair and it’s not your problem he says it doesn’t have what is needed. You need to stand your ground. Either he gets a loan to cover it or sells the house and furniture etc. He may not have family to stay with, he will have to buy or rent but it’s not fair you don’t get your share. See a solicitor

Alsohuman · 26/03/2019 17:35

So sorry for your loss. You’ve lost enough, don’t give in to this. You should get half the equity and at least half the furniture. If he has to sell up or remortgage to give you the money, so be it. Take the furniture you want and put it into storage. He can rent somewhere to live, buy a smaller house or add to the mortgage and that’s what he should do.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 26/03/2019 17:41

My exh tried that line,funnily enough he came up with the money when I said well if you cant afford the full amount we'll sell then.

KarmaStar · 26/03/2019 18:19

Hello OP
Really sorry for your loss of your dc.💗
If your dh wanted to buy a house and told the vendor "I only have this much you have to sell me it for that",he would be sent packing.
You must put yourself and your future first and stand firm.he will be:
On the property ladder
In a comfortable beautifully furnished house
No moving fees
No rent to pay relatives
No forthcoming estate agent/conveyancing fees to pay.
No new home to potentially do up and furnish.

Please!!fight and remain firm.it is not personal.it is not being nasty.it is standing up for your rights.
He is taking the p*ss.
You have been through a terrible time and you probably don't want any aggravation,but you will definitely regret it if you don't get every penny you can.
I wish you every success and happiness in the future.🌺

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