Can always rely on my mother to put me in a shit mood

[LellowYedbetter]

My mother has a habit of randomly deciding she has an issue with me. She’s very narcissistic, everything is about her. If someone dies - she focuses on how it effects her. If someone falls ill or gets injured, god forbid it impact on her. Due to her often toxic behaviour I’ve limited phone contact to once a week (she NEVER calls me). So no issues lately, always polite and pleasant conversation lately ... no problems.

Yesterday I rang her. Immediately realised she was in one. One word answers, making it obvious that she was annoyed or upset about something, not talking properly. I then realised my sister was there so they had probably been bitching about me prior to my call.

Came off the phone feeling deflated and fed up. I’ve done fuck all. I’m sick of this. I don’t deserve it and I’m fucking angry.

Don’t call her. Seriously, don’t. Text if you need to but leave her to it.

She doesn’t “do” text messaging, then gets all jealous and offended if she finds out I’ve text my aunt (her sister) as it clearly means I like her more.

Don't call. Text or WhatsApp at the most

It's really hard. Mine has similar traits. I have had to limit contact at times and my father always takes her side. She is 'sick' frequently (usually special occasions when all the attention is put on her).
Have no advice just sympathy

Xpost. Send her postcards or short letters then. Do you pull.her up on it?

Ditto Roscommenet - Don't call ber. When she whinges, which she will, tell her you're not ber verbal / mood punchbag.

I’m considering ringing her back and calling her out on it once and for all. But she will play the victim, get ridiculously upset, tell all the family that I started on her out of the blue etc

Just stop contact. When she complains, explain why. Talk to your Aunty before your mum can get in and bitch about you, if they're reasonable people they'll probably know she does it and feel sorry for you.

You need to rise above this bullshit manipulation.

Much sympathy from me too.
I will be doing the annual mothers day card hunt later, where I look for something acceptable, but doesn't have the gushing, 'love you best mum ever' stuff in it.

I thought I was the only one who had to hunt for suitable non soppy Mother’s Day cards. I can’t bear to buy anything full of sentiment, I makes me feel so uncomfortable and false. I like the joke cards for this reason.

You cant change what she does and how she reacts. You can change what you do. Might be worth you thinking about why you feel the need to act the way you do (phoning her, caring what she says about you to others) and what you feel you could change.

My money's on your family knowing she's a dick already. Keep your head down and build your boundary's up.

Ah yes, straight to the humour section in Clintons.

I’m considering ringing her back and calling her out on it once and for all.

I would do this. Even if she gets upset, she knows you know.

Make that the Card Factory!

Why don't you ask your DSis what it might be about.....this time, yawn?

Life is too short to deal with these people. I would cut her off - you dont need the negativity

I agree with the not phoning her so often and I like the idea of sending her a little note or pretty card every so often with a short catch-up message.
Essentially, nothing will change, I too learned this lesson with my own family. Learn to build a life around their not being around very much, and never ask for any help.

One side of paper or a notelet, once a week. Say nothing important. Let her call you.

I agree with BarbarianMum why do you feel the need to tell her anything?

My Mum was lovely but is sadly dead, now I have my Dad who likes to get a dig in at every opportunity. My sister has a completely different relationship with him, she once berated me months after Mum died as I hadn't called him, I told her the phone works both ways and he has never ever called me in years, nor come over to my house with my Mum who used to come over every week.

So I am very low contact. I see him at Christmas and family birthdays and that is it. It has actually stopped bothering me. I don't need his approval or blessing. He is not the father I would have wanted and like you, I also hunt down that card that merely states you are my Father, not the best, or greatest.

Stop ringing your Mum, so what if she has a hissy fit, why would you care? Anyone who truly knows her knows what she is like.

I wouldn’t call her and have it out with her over the phone. Explain to your aunt what you are going to do and why, then stop all contact with her and let her make the first move. If she calls you fine, do bland conversation and that’s it. Let her do all the keeping in contact now.

Sounds like my relationship with my mother. She pushes every single one of my buttons more effectively than anyone else, and that isn’t surprising because my buttons were all constructed as a result of her. I don’t know what the answer is, other than try not to expect things from her that she just isn’t equipped to deliver.