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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think you can be in love with someone before dating them?

70 replies

Mouseworld · 25/03/2019 22:57

I’m in love with someone who I’m not dating. Haven’t even kissed, let alone lived together or anything.

Is this possible?

Are there people out there who felt that way and eventually got together with their loved one? If so, was the feeling the same once you were together?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mouseworld · 26/03/2019 08:06

Owl, I’m too scared. The thought of losing him is just too painful. If he doesn’t feel the same and maybe he’ll say we can’t be friends anymore. What if he meets someone else after I tell him how I feel. He’d possibly stop seeing me out of respect to her. It’s just too risky!

OP posts:
b0bb1n · 26/03/2019 08:07

I fell in love with a man who started working where worked. I had to train him and by day 2 I was falling head over heels for him. Little did I know at first he was feeling the same. A week later we had our first date which lasted 12 hours as we just talked and enjoyed each others company so much. It felt totally natural when we spoke about the future and things like marriage and kids etc in the first few weeks. That was last March. We were married in August. And expecting our first baby now :) So I know for sure you can fall in love before dating someone.

MRex · 26/03/2019 08:08

Doubtful. You don't really know everything about someone until you've been living together for years. If you're both single then you can call it love if you want, there's no harm, and you should do something about it. If it isn't mutual then it isn't, but it's better to take the risk.

BarbarianMum · 26/03/2019 08:10

But if you dont tell him I think you'll eventually come to resent him. And your feelings for him will stop you meeting someone more suitable (if your feelings arent reciprocated he's not the one).

sandytree · 26/03/2019 08:12

I think you can. I loved my best friend and he loved me, and we didn't act on it for years as scared of something going wrong and potentially loosing our friendship. We did end up taking the plunge three years ago, and we now have a child together and get married later this year Grin

aprarl · 26/03/2019 08:19

I think what I would call "real" love takes time: it's a slow, steady process where over time you experience someone consistently in all their moods and foibles and annoyances, in lots of different situations, and you still love them deeply.

But the start and basis of all that is the exact feeling you have; the attraction and the fantasy and thinking "you're amazing".

Original poster
Mouseworld · 26/03/2019 08:23

It was a lovely feeling initially Schlerp but now it hurts because I’m terrified that we’ll never be together in that way. I want him to be happy so so much.

OP posts:
whataremyoption · 26/03/2019 08:27

Of course you can. Love is just a feeling. If you feel it, you feel it, whether justified, reasonable, or whatever.

The suggestion of limerance was quite bizarre Hmm

picklemepopcorn · 26/03/2019 08:30

What was that show ? Car share?

Course you can be in love with someone.

Can you just shift the boundaries a tiny bit? Start touching him more, lean against him. Hug him for a bit longer than usual. Obviously if he objects, you have your answer!

Original poster
Mouseworld · 26/03/2019 08:40

The butterflies are amazing EmeraldShamrock!

OP posts:
labazsisgoingmad · 26/03/2019 08:41

you are in love with the idea of him in reality you have no idea of his foibles he could have cheesey feet a bad temper who knows

Honeyroar · 26/03/2019 08:42

I think you love him as a friend and you’ve got a crush on him. I had a friend that I felt like that about in my 20s. It was very different to the live I have for my husband. Real love means you feel safe and secure and can tell him anything. You’d know he loves you back. A crush means you’re nervous and daren’t tell him.

Tell him! Be honest, but open the conversation by saying if he doesn’t feel the same way it’s fine and things can stay as they are.

SimonJT · 26/03/2019 08:44

I was in a similar situation, he was part of my friendship group so I was around him a lot, I was single (for years!) and he never was, so I never thought anything would happen.

I drunkenly professed my undying love for him and I was absolutely gutted the next day because I had made myself look like an idiot.

We did eventually end up dating, which we were both very nervous about as we were worried what would happen if it didn’t work out. We were together for about 18 months before we agreed that we just wouldn’t work, I had taken on my sisters son, he was away a lot, and those things just weren’t compatible.

It was very hard afterwards, but two years later we’re great friends, we do things together etc, so it can work if you’re both very honest with each other about your feelings etc. We will always love each other, but we have accepted that a longterm relationship just wouldn’t work.

Ihatehashtags · 26/03/2019 08:45

No

Original poster
Mouseworld · 26/03/2019 08:46

labazsisgoingmad I’ve smelt his feet! They’re a little cheesy. And he has a terrible temper. But still I feel the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mouseworld · 26/03/2019 08:47

In every other aspect I can tell him anything Honeyroar. It’s just how I feel about him. I don’t want to make a fool of myself.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 26/03/2019 08:50

Well you can’t spend your life like this. So you’ve got to shit or get off the pot. If you lose him as a friend after this then he wasn’t really meant to stay in your life

Original poster
Mouseworld · 26/03/2019 08:52

I guess so Meandwinealone but I don’t think I’m ready to be without my pot yet.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 26/03/2019 08:54

That’s what I’m saying- it’s not quite the same.. You’re not as relaxed in all senses as you would be if you had crossed the line, told him and the relationship had moved on from friends to partners.

Tell him! I faffed about plucking up courage to tell my friend I had a crush on him (I think he’d almost tried before, but I had a boyfriend and changed the subject). The day I was meeting him and planned to tell him he turned up with a new girlfriend and every time we were on our own he gushed about her. I missed the boat. He married her, they moved abroad and we lost touch.

drogon1 · 26/03/2019 08:55

Whoever said you can't know everything about someone until you've been with them for years 😂 so it takes years to fall in love? No wonder there's such a high divorce rate!

Usual smug tribe out already, I'd be surprised if half of them knew what love was.

Original poster
Mouseworld · 26/03/2019 09:02

Oh no Honeyroar!!!!!

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 26/03/2019 09:03

Love is too subjective a feeling for one person to be able to tell you in absolute terms whether or not what you're feeling is love.

I don't think definition should be the focus here, what's abundantly clear is that regardless of what you want to label it, you have quite deep feelings for this chap and you need to ask yourself if carrying on in this state of limbo is preferable to taking the risk. If it's not, then go for it!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/03/2019 09:05

We met at a festival. It was love at first sight, thunderbolt city, for me but we were both seriously involved with other people. We became friends, flat mates, then inseparable best friends, he even dated my best friend for a while.

We got very drunk one night and confessed we adored each other. We broke things off with our respective partners. It was horrible and messy and people vilified us.

This summer it’ll be 30 years since we met. Still feel the same.

sofato5miles · 26/03/2019 09:06

Don't be scared. Feel the fear and do it any way.

Interesting chat on the hormones in play for lust, attraction and attachment:

sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

coral13 · 26/03/2019 09:08

@mouseworld "I think it’s reciprocated but we’re both too scared to risk the friendship. But I’m not 100% sure. It’s not limerence. It’s much deeper, more caring, not obsessive"

I was scared to risk the friendship but 5 years later, we're married and I'm pregnant.

If you're close friends it's a bit different to a random person