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Original poster

Boyfriend can't meet me again!! What shall I reply?

53 replies

Tinkerbellone · 25/03/2019 13:33

Not seen BF since Friday morning. Arranged to meet Friday eve and he cancelled feeling unwell.

Arranged to meet today. I had a big meeting this morning which he knows I'm anxious about.
I text that the meeting was over and it had been very long.

He replied - that he'd only found out that morning he had to take his son across the country somewhere and he would try to message me later.

He never asked about my meeting, although he has been supportive. I know family come first. But things like this are always happening.
Then he tells me he loves me and cannot imagine life without me etc. But his actions say otherwise.

How should I respond to this message? I'm really disappointed he's cancelled twice now but understand his children are a priority.

Should I ignore? I'm really anxious today and don't want to over react. But don't want to come across as sulky. What would you reply??

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbellone · 25/03/2019 13:55

Over six months. He's not met my children; I am mindful of them when I'm seeing someone. .

I hate anxiety. It seems to distort everything.
Hence posting on here to get some perspective.

It's hard to arrange to meet around children so I adjust and make plans - then for him to cancel is frustrating.

OP posts:
Lamplight5 · 25/03/2019 13:55

Father of the grown adult, TheInvestigator. That said, I'm not criticising him for either being ill, nor helping his child, but the OP says that it happens all the time, not that this week has been a one off.

I really feel for the OP. At the very least he could have text or rang as soon as he found out he couldn't make today, instead of waiting till she text him after her meeting ended?

Lamplight5 · 25/03/2019 13:57

It's hard to arrange to meet around children so I adjust and make plans - then for him to cancel is frustrating

It's so bloody rude, OP. How often does he cancel?

Nicknacky · 25/03/2019 13:57

So it’s not been long and you need to decide if it’s worth it.

But life happens. Plans get cancelled and changed. I’m 41 and my dad drops things to help me when I need it!

Coronapop · 25/03/2019 14:01

It's hard to take a real in depth interest in other people's work problems especially if they work in a different field so I would not be unduly concerned about him not asking about your meeting. His reasons sound genuine but in the end you have to decide whether to accept him prioritising his son or move on.

MyFavouriteDress1 · 25/03/2019 14:04

I suspect there is a lot more to this. He does this kind of thing often? What I don't like here is that he has not given an explanation of why he has to drive his son somewhere. I have been in a relationship where stuff is cancelled at the last minute for family reasons and I wouldn't be given the full story or a genuine apology. Always felt a bit cloak and daggers which made me suspicious. Don't react angrily. Maybe ask him why he has to take his son and say that you are disappointed that he cancelled and that you would expect him to be more apologetic about it and to offer another date. In my case the bloke was an inadequate idiot. There was no changing him.

Andylion · 25/03/2019 14:05

He never asked about my meeting, although he has been supportive. I know family come first. But things like this are always happening.

OP, what kind of things? Things like not contacting you after an important meeting or cancelling when you have made plans?

Ihatehashtags · 25/03/2019 14:11

It depends. If there are more examples of this type of thing and they happen constantly then if it were me, I’d think he’s not that into me and let the relationship drift. Just don’t contact him for awhile and see what happens.

PickAChew · 25/03/2019 14:11

Are you sure he's actually available for a relationship with you and not just fitting you in when he can?

cestlavielife · 25/03/2019 14:12

Better he waited than texting you in middle of important meeting.right?
But unless he works in same field maybe he doesn't get importance of your meeting to you ? Or maybe he doesn't get or understand your anxiety (it s hard for partners and easy to get it "wrong")) ?
And if he suddenly had to change his plans for his adult child he could easily forget about your meeting.
If you need more attention from.him may be it won't work out?....or speak.to.your GP or counsellor about addressing the anxiety...?

FriarTuck · 25/03/2019 14:13

What I don't like here is that he has not given an explanation of why he has to drive his son somewhere
If he's had to drop everything and rush off then he'd not have time to sit and do a long text. He's sent a quick text and no doubt plans to explain fully later. Sometimes these things happen.

Boysey45 · 25/03/2019 14:13

Very obviously your not a priority with this man, what you want to do about it is upto you.
I'd make another arrangement with him then cancel it last minute and keep doing this and see how he likes it.
Don't be there for him waiting about whilst hes pissing you about.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 25/03/2019 14:15

I think you need to stop adjusting your plans to fit around him when he isn’t making the same effort for you. You may need to stop being so available to him and start valuing your time more. Obviously he couldn’t help being ill but it was unfair to cancel on you so late to take his son somewhere (unless it was a genuine emergency). Be honest and tell him it wasn’t fair to drop you at the last minute but you hope to see him soon. If he’s a decent person he’ll apologise and not do it again.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/03/2019 14:21

Was the meeting something pretty standard but that you were anxious about, like presenting something at work, or was it something where you got a result at the end, like meeting a consultant at hospital or having redundancy chats or something?

I think that makes a difference. The former it would be nice if he could support you and make sure you were alright; but he can do that later. The latter I'd be wondering if he really couldn't have called you for a minute or two before they went to check the outcome. Although his son would be with him; so if it's something private, that could be why.

FriarTuck · 25/03/2019 14:22

OP, just tell us how many times he's cancelled and why, otherwise we can't judge fairly and you'll be getting lots of the 'he's such a bastard' type posts when actually he may have cancelled twice, for excellent reasons and its just your anxiety blowing it out of proportion.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/03/2019 14:37

It does show that he has and will put his children first, even if they are adults. That is his choice and probably the same decision I'd make, even though my DC are also adults. Your choice is whether or not you are or will be satisfied with being in perpetual second place.

A dear friend has recently begun seeing a man, both of them have grown children. They have mutually agreed that their respective children come first. Yes, there have been a few last minute cancellations, but they both know that it's just the way it's going to be. Neither of them are the type to cancel for a frivolous reason, nor would any of their DC expect it. Driving cross country for an emergency or something preplanned=yes, driving cross country to take an adult child to a gig or to visit friends at the last minute=no. So far, everything is working fine and neither feels the relationship is 'one-sided' with one neglecting the other for their DC. So it can be done, but both people have to be 'ok' with it.

Verynice · 25/03/2019 15:00

You're not answering any questions OP.

When were you supposed to meet him? For lunch or this evening?

What is the reason for this trip? Last minute thing or something he forgot about?

He sounds like a flaky guy I was dating. It turned out he just wasn't as into me as I was into him. It's disappointing, heartbreaking actually but don't waste your time if he can't put you as a priority at this stage.

Original poster
Tinkerbellone · 25/03/2019 16:13

He's called, whilst I was in another meeting and left voicemail apologising and promising to meet this week.
Then I think I will have an open honest talk with him.
Thank you for all the replies. I think my meeting (important review of family members mental health) has made me so upset and anxious it has thrown everything off kilter today.
Feel a bit daft now Confused
Thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 25/03/2019 16:22

Cancels regularly, and his son is an adult? Oh please...

He's messing you about OP. Older DB is a perpetual playa, every woman has a shelf life, it may be a few years but he will keep them at arms length and his son - who lives with his mum not his dad - at 22 is a convenient excuse for when DB has to go off and do something urgent for his son (supposedly) so can't be around.

Step back and think, OP. Son has a mother, does he not? Your man isn't a single or resident parent so why the frequent cancellations?

I don't get on with DB but having him as a brother has shown me that so many women will believe any old nonsense and put up with anything just to have a man

He can't t be around for you OP whatever the case, and you'd be better off with someone who can.

MistressDeeCee · 25/03/2019 16:23

& That's whether he's called or not.

FriarTuck · 25/03/2019 16:24

You're not answering any questions OP.
This.....

TokenGinger · 25/03/2019 16:30

Text him back 'it sounds like you've got too much on to be in a relationship at the moment. Take care.'

This is absolutely ridiculous. Childish. Manipulative.

Re: the adult son. Whatever it is that's made him need to travel across the country (let's face it, it's not going to be to do a food shop or something insignificant), he's his dad and that's what he should do. I know for a fact if I called my mum tomorrow morning and asked her to take me somewhere, she would do it regardless of if she had plans with somebody she'd known for 6 months. That's because she could see that person any other time.

I feel sorry for the bloke. Being ill and taking his son somewhere and now there's talks of having a serious conversation with him 🙄

Original poster
Tinkerbellone · 25/03/2019 16:57

Scanned responses and didn't see questions straight away - sorry.
We were supposed to be meeting for lunch.
No idea yet what the trip is about; he couldn't get out of it apparently.
What were the other questions?
Thanks for all responses. Didn't expect so many xx

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 25/03/2019 17:10

how many times he's cancelled and why - if he's cancelled twice in the whole time then you're overreacting, every other time you arrange something....

GoGoGadgetGin · 25/03/2019 17:17

So your meeting about family member is v important to you, his son needing him, important to him! You both have family as a priority, is that not quite good?

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