Okay, I apologise in advance, I think this might be a bit of long post, but there's a fair amount on complex history, and I don't want to drip feed. I'll try and break it all down into manageable bullet points.
- My wife and I met and became a couple when we were 16 (have been together now for 16 years, married for two).
- Her mother was not a fan of me for the first few years of our relationship. Neither my wife nor I really know why, other than she didn't like that we got so serious so young. She actually didn't speak to me for the first three years or so, and whenever I went to their house, she would lock herself away in her office and avoid me (which suited me fine back then, as I was quite a shy teenager).
- My wife always had a bit of a rocky relationship with her mother, as she (her mother) was very overbearing and tried to be controlling.
- When we eventually moved into our own place (aged 21), her mother began to soften up a little and started to accept me into the family. She was still a little reserved around me, but invited me to Christmas, birthday meals, and holidays etc.
- As the years passed, my wife's mother and I developed a better relationship, to the point that she asked whether I would like to join her in running her pre-school, and eventually take over the business, as she wanted to retire soon. I accepted the offer, as I was keen to run my own pre-school.
- For two years, we worked together in a tiny little office, and it was mostly good. We actually became very close, and I learnt so much about her - her personality, her history etc. I would say at one point I was even closer to her than my wife was (she had always been somewhat reserved with my wife as well, not really revealing too much about her childhood, and her inner feelings etc). But I guess when you work so closely with someone, you can't help open up to them.
- During this time, I also saw the original side to her personality - the extremely controlling and stubborn side to her that I knew as a teenager. She was rude and demanding to our staff and sometimes to our parents, and it was left to me to smooth things over. Occasionally when I did something she disagreed with, she wouldn't speak to me for days on end.
- She would often do this to my wife (and her two other children) as well - if they did something she didn't agree with, or disliked, she would just shut down and ignore them, sometimes for weeks on end. Until she would suddenly decide to snap out of it and act normal again.
- My wife and her siblings hated when she acted like this, and understandably so. It was horrible to be on the receiving end of a parent ignoring you. The most extreme case (which is still going on actually), was three years ago, when my sister-in-law got a tattoo. My mother mother-in-law absolutely hates tattoos, and has refused to speak to her daughter since she got one. Seriously, she hasn't spoken to her for three years now. My sister-in-law is at uni in Scotland and returns home for the holidays and things, but mother and daughter just ignore each other and go to separate rooms (it's a pretty large house, so it's very easy to avoid one another).
- Whenever my wife was on the receiving end of this behaviour, she would be very upset - constantly in tears, and try and do whatever she could to "get her mother to like her again". It upset me to see my wife being manipulated and emotionally abused like this.
- So, back to me and my mother-in-law working together... oh, sorry, I should also add that when I started working at the pre-school, my wife and I actually moved into my mother-in-laws house. I know, I know, it sounds like we were in each other's pockets the whole time, and was a recipe for disaster, but it wasn't like that. As I said above, the house is pretty large, with three floors, the top floor of which is basically its own apartment - it has its own kitchen, bathroom, living room etc. We moved in because we had just recently gotten engaged and my mother-in-law thought it was crazy that we were spending so much on rent where we were currently living.
- My wife's step-father agreed that we could live in the house to help save for our wedding, and eventually put down a deposit for our own place. We all agreed that we would pay bills and and some rent, but it was much less than what we were originally paying.
- So, back to the pre-school. After being there for two years, and having a few ups and downs, there was an "incident" that made me think it was a bad idea me being there. I felt it was straining too many relationships, and it would be healthier for everyone if I went to work somewhere else.
- I told my mother-in-law, and she took it relatively well, although she seemed a bit surprised and disappointed. I was sad to leave, and felt like I had failed at something, but also felt that it was the right choice in the long run.
- I quickly found another job, and my wife and I were starting to be in a position to maybe buy a little place of our own. The relationship between everyone seemed... cordial. Not overly close, but everyone was polite enough.
- Then, one day, my wife received an email from her mother (even though her mother was literally one floor below - she doesn't like talking face to face, and if there's any sort of conflict, she will only communicate via email), saying that she thinks we are taking the piss living there effectively rent free and that we should be paying full market price if we wanted to continue living there. She attached an invoice for that month's rent (which was the same as the rent in our previous flat), and also an invoice back-dating all the months that we had been there. Obviously, this ran into the thousands!
- I told my wife this is crazy, and we shouldn't pay it at all. That her mother can't suddenly charge us for 18 months' rent, especially when that hadn't been the agreement. It also would have meant that all the money we had saved to buy our own place would be gone, and we would be in the same situation as before.
- I said I didn't mind paying full rent from then on, if that's what they (mother-in-law and father-in-law) wanted - it's their house, and they can charge want they want if we wanted to live there, but I said it felt like she was just doing it out of spite to hurt us.
- We spoke to the step-father, who said he had no idea that his wife had sent the email, and of course he didn't want all that money, and didn't want to increase the rent (it was actually his house, in his name, and he owned the house outright with no mortgage). He said under no circumstance should we pay her any of the money, she's just being bitter.
- So, within a couple of months, we were able to find our own, and moved out fairly swiftly. My wife tried talking to her mother, but she just received another email saying that there's no way in hell they can have any sort of relationship until we pay her that money.
This was happened 18 months ago now, and neither my wife nor I have spoken to her mother since. We still see the step-father - we have birthday meals, and he's come to our new flat for Christmas etc, but we haven't seen her. Now, I know my mother-in-law is being completely unreasonable, and has some serious issues. But problem is this:
- My wife (naturally) still loves her mother, and desperately craves a good relationship with her. In the past, whenever something like this has happened, if my mother-in-law hasn't come around, my wife would normally go grovelling with an apology to smooth things over, which my mother-in-law would usually accept and things would be fine for a while. But then the same thing would happen all over again. My mother-in-law doesn't see any harm in treating her children like absolute shit one moment, and then acting like nothing has happened the next. Even if my mother-in-law is clearly in the wrong, she will never admit it, and she will never be the one to apologise for anything.
- After 18 months of this, my wife is becoming quite depress and just wants her mother back, and she's willing to do almost anything to make that happen (except pay the money, which we don't even have anymore). She wants to apologise to her, make it up to her somehow. But I say it's not down to us. We haven't done anything wrong. It's now down to the mother to try and smooth things over with us. I fear that if we try and make things right, things will be fine for a little while, but then the same thing is going to happen all over again. I want my mother-in-law to own up to acting horrible, see the error in her ways, and try to change her personality and be a better person. She hasn't spoken to one daughter for three years over a stupid little tattoo (and it is little - about a inch long on her ankle), and won't speak to another because (I think) I left the pre-school. Of course I want everyone to have a good relationship, but I can't see that happening without my mother-in-law wanting to change, and accepting that her behaviour is... unacceptable.
- My wife and I are on the verge of having children, and of course, she wants them to have their grandmother in their lives. But I don't want her in their lives if she's just going to treat them like she's treated her own children. I don't want to put my children through the same pain that I see my wife in. But at the same time, I don't want to be the bad guy, by stopping my wife and children from seeing grandma.
Okay, I'll stop there. Again, my apologies for such a long post, but I really need some advice. I hate seeing my wife so upset by this, but I just don't know what to do.
AIBU and WWYD??