I won’t go into huge detail here. I am 37. I’m in an unhappy, unfulfilling and childless (my issue) marriage. It’s just not been close, physically or emotionally, for a long time. We sleep in separate beds and other than holidays, have largely separate social lives. We are more like flatmates than anything else, I do love and care about him dearly, but am not ‘in love’. Without a family to anchor us, I do feel deep dispair about the future.
I have also been in a long term (4+ years) affair, initially emotional but now physical. This man is married and has a young child. I know this is very wrong, and I’ve tried on multiple occasions to break it off. He says he loves me.
I live in a constant state of not belonging and feel lonely everywhere. I feel perhaps if I was to shut down the affair and really commit to my marriage, perhaps things would be different. But this very much feels like ‘settling’ by not causing upset or drama for others (which I’m loathe to do). The other option is to leave, and go it alone. But I’m scared.
I feel I’m at a pivotal point in my life where I’ve been sleepwalking for years. Advice welcome (I’m thick skinned, but please be gentle as feeling very dispairing at the moment).