To feel jealous and left out?

[Rspu1384]

Probably being childish so if I am please say so.
I’ve been with my oh 8 nearly 9 years, I used to be quite close together mother in law but since my ohs brother married and had a child she does t really want to know anymore. We have no children and she was on about it for years asking when we were going to have one (we have infertility and due to start ivf next year) she doesn’t know about any of it and we have just said we don’t want any yet.
Since my sil has had a baby they do everything together and it’s all my mil talks about, I find it very hard to be around pregnant ladies/newborns/children. I’ve wanted to be a mom for so long.
They get invited round for dinner every Friday evening and Sunday but me and my oh don’t get asked?! Or my ohs other brother and his wife don’t get asked either ( their also childless)
I actually feel jealous and bitter about it, am I being unreasonable? I kind of feel like I should t give a shit because what kind of woman only wants to know her son if they have a child for her to play nanny to ?

This is difficult because you're reading the situation one way, and making assumptions about their motives. They think you do wish kids and you started to distance yourself when your sister in law fell pregnant. They will not understand why you did this, but be aware there was a problem, so they will also be interpereting it, and it's anyone's guess as to what that interpretation is, they may simply think you dislike them and don't wish to be around them, but they don't know why.

I think your complex emotions around your fertility and your sister in laws pregnancy started the rift. They would not know not to talk about the pregnancy as they simply think you don't want kids.

I suspect the secrecy is what is leading to a lack of understanding on both sides.

@rspu1384 I am sorry if my comments have hurt but they were not ignorant, I can assure you.

I watched my in laws fall over my dh family as their family grew. Secretly we denied our desire for children, hid our ivf troubles and avoided family situations. I am now a mother, but due to my reservations and discomfort I am not an auntie, I lost many years, memories and have little/ no relationship with my nephews.

Reading your posts I don't see that MIL has dropped you in favour of SIL, but that she has dropped everyone in favour of the DGC.
It's not directed at you personally.
And best of luck with your IVF.

i did stop going round and made my excuses for other things.

I think this is the nub of it op, they won't know why you started avoiding them.

The fact the relationship has developed with the other sister in law is a positive, it's not about you. They will not be inviting you round because they will think you don't want to go, or you have a problem with them,

And be honest would you wish to go? You don't like your father in law and may struggle with your sister in law and the child.

Your MIL is reacting completely normally. She's been dying for a grandshild, she has one now, and she's trying to spend every second she can with that grandchild. Good for her, and great for the baby to have a loving, supportive extended family on hand.

As far as your poor MIL knows, you've repeatedly told her you don't want children, she mentions you not wanting children at a family diner and you pretend to be ill and leave, you've kept away and you don't like your FIL.

She's only acting on the information she has.
The real issue is your OH's secrecy. That's placing the burden on you.

I sincerely wish you success with the ivf, and hope you can bond with your inlaws again.

The replies have really made me have a good think and I think my issues really just stem from the emotional pain of our infertility and because I wish it was me and oh with a baby.
Tbh no I really wouldn’t I avoid them because I don’t like my fil or my ohs brothers. The only person I got along with was my mil. I used to visit her 2-3 times a week for a quick chat and coffee. She moved house ( she used to live 5 min from us) so I stopped going as much as it was further but I still made the effort at least once a fortnight just to see her, she also used to come to ours just to chat with me.
As soon as sil announced her pregnancy she hasn’t been down at all, I was the one who she spoke to about everything including her marital problems, even messaging through Facebook stopped on her side.
The “don’t let people advise you to be more bitter” there not I think it’s anout keeping myself in an ok place while I’m going through this. Not putting too much pressure on myself to go to family gatherings and have to act like I’m ok then cry as soon as I get home.

Good for you, OP. Look after yourself, and be kind to yourself

This must be awful for you and your husband.

It’s almost like your mil is punishing you for not producing a grandchild.

I totally understand why you have taken a step back from It all - and while your mil doesn’t officially now why, surely anyone with a bit of sensitivity would begin to suspect there was a fertility issue.

I hope the relationship gets easier.

Why didnt you ask sil why you weren't included on the christmas shopping trip

I completely understand it, I also remember my own sister falling pregnant and dropping in for a cuppa to find a big family dinner going on post mothercare shopping trip for dgc. I had no idea and sobbed all the way home. I remember how much it hurt and understand why you feel the same but I would still encourage you to avoid distancing yourself, it did me no favours 😪

Best of luck to you with any future IVF. People who haven't experienced this don't know how excruciatingly painful it is 💐 I have a similar situation with my MIL

I'm sorry about this op, this sounds so hard to take and live with. I feel for you and I really wish you well with the IVF.

I've been through infertility issues. It took many years, multiple miscarriages and a lot of heartbreak before we were able to have DC. My MiL's response was to be over every 5 minutes during my maternity leave (she lives a couple of hours away) but once the novelty of DC's babyhood was over, her interest waned. We see her 3-4 times a year if that, and she never bothers to Facetime DC. Before DC's birth, DH barely heard from her one year to the next. So don't labour under the illusion that having a child will make any difference to her relationship with you.

As to other posters telling you you are 'not being honest with your family' for not being open with them about your fertility issues: to hell with that. You're under no obligation to confide in anyone at all about the deeply painful predicament in which you find yourself. In any event, why would you do so when you don't have the kind of relationship with them that would make you want to confide.

I suspect that whatever the outcome, keeping these people at arm's length would be the healthiest option for all concerned. As for feeling jealous and left out, that's a very human response and entirely natural.
I'd also like to recommend the website 'Fertility Friends'. The people on that site really kept me going when I felt at my lowest ebb, losing baby after baby. Some of them have become real, true, IRL friends who I'm still in touch with to this day, on and off the internet.

Good luck, OP. It's a hard journey you're undertaking, and I send you lots of positivity and empathy. Unfortunately, given the behaviour you've described I don't think you can ever expect to receive those things from your MiL

@MarielVanArkelStinks Thankyou so much for your reply I was beginning to think I was being stupid and should lean towards telling mil but I’m not going to as you said I shouldn’t have to tell anybody something so personal to me and oh. I’m sorry for your painful experience it is honestly
One of the hardest things I’ve been through in my life. I’m so glad you got your dc.
I also don’t think mil would be as sympathetic either. I hope the novelty doesn’t wear off
And don’t think it will withher she really
Does adore her Gc which like I said is lovely. Just feel disheartened and somehow like I’m inferior to sil because I haven’t been able to have a child with my dh.
Thankyou for your well wishes I’m excited and terrified for next year but we are really
Hoping we get a dc too through ivf 💐

Hi OP, your situation is practically identical to mine.

We had IVF, mainly we think due to problems with DH rather than me but we didn’t do many tests. He didn’t want to tell his family, so they don’t know, but some of mine do. We were successful and have a daughter, but we would have loved to have more.

It has created a distance between DH and his family, and they absolutely blame me for it. I think they feel I’ve cut him off from them but it’s not me at all. His brother has just had his third child, and it does hurt that we can’t have what they have.

There was a huge fallout a few weeks ago, with MIL have a go at us, though mainly me, for not being involved enough with them. I ended up storming out of her house; it was humiliating. What’s worse, we have to keep up the pretence that I’m the one who has issues because DH won’t tell them the truth.

I have no advice, but you’re not alone.

Good luck with the IVF. I found the process quite straightforward and I wasn’t affected too much by the drugs, so please don’t be daunted by it. It will hopefully be worth it.

Why don’t you just straight up ask her? Why don’t you invite us around? Why is it that you only talk about the expectant grandchild? She may just think about it and change her ways.

YANBU. It's one thing being excited about a grandchild bit you don't just drop your other relations.